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Don't you hate getting run over? What a pain in the you-know-what, am I right? And the worst part of nearly being vehicularly homicided is when the other driver can't take the time to not speed off like the Road Runner just after the Acme delivery guy showed up. So, there you are, bent in half, ass in the air trickling blood down your spine and onto your face as you lie peacefully in the gutter listening to your bone fragments grating against each other in a kind of semi-pleasant but very uncomfortable rhythm, and thinking, "Man, that was inconsiderate." And all you can do in that situation is wonder what that other person was doing that was so pressing and so important that they couldn't even pull over for a second to help you get your shoe out of your intestine.

As luck would have it, some of these people do get tracked down after the fact, and, like you, the police want to ask them why they were in such a hurry to leave the scene, but, unlike you, they still have the capacity to ask, and stand upright, and not bleed profusely from new and unnatural orifices. Do some people have good excuses for committing hit-and-runs? Maybe, but who knows what a good excuse might be? They were on fire? Being chased by the Terminator? The car is possessed? Doesn't matter: All of the people in this article had shitheel excuses, count on that.

5
Scared Kids

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The lady in this story is what scientists label a "scumbag dick." After plowing down a 17-year-old kid on his bicycle, this lady did have the wherewithal to pull over, but only long enough to tell her victim she couldn't help him because his bloody face was going to scare her kids.

In the real world, this sort of thing isn't supposed to happen. This sounds more like a scene from Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt you'd expect to see Jane Krakowski in, with her completely out-of-touch-with-reality character unable to comprehend how to deal with the situation in a way that isn't gross.

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After she left, he was saved by staff from a law school. Lawyers stopped to help.

There are a lot of things you should protect your kids from in life, including drug abuse, the music of Taylor Swift, and Chris Columbus movies, but "protecting" them by avoiding helping someone you just ran over is maybe not the best idea. That's how you breed dicks. Bigger dicks. Bigger, throbbier dicks.

The lady explained to her victim that the kids were upset and late for school, so she had to go, at which point the kid she hit probably groaned in pain or some such, but the implication here is also that these kids are at least 6 or so, probably. They're old enough to realize mom is some kind of magnificent asshole and that they seriously just ran someone over and left him on the side of the road. You have to figure that lesson is at stark odds with any lesson you're worried about them learning at school, unless you're maybe a member of one of the more evil clans on Earth, such as the Trumps or the Cruzes (no first names; you can't get mad at me!).

4
Diarrhea

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Here's a story we can all get behind ... but shouldn't, if you catch my drift! Ha ha ha, tell your uncle Charlie about the context later on; he'll love it and admire you for being mature enough to tell poop jokes. Anyway, when a 92-year-old lady has to poop, poop will happen. It will happen!

In this instance, 92-year-old Persis Draper had a mad-on to drop some bowel bisque, and nothing was going to stop her, not even the 43-year-old woman jogging across the street that she plowed through on her way to get to a toilet.

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"Sorry about messing up your 5k, but I've got 5kg to take care of."

Draper had been having stomach issues for most of the day. I like to think she'd hit up a low-budget, all-you-can-eat chicken wing buffet with suspect chicken that was delicious yet up to its nuts in salmonella gravy, gorged herself as only a 92-year-old lady can (picture an anaconda unhinging its jaw to swallow a tapir, only with more wrinkles and bifocals), and then on her way home felt her bowels putting on an all-obese-Russian-wrestler version of Riverdance. Clearly there was but one option!

According to Draper, she was in the diarrhea DMZ we all enjoy from time to time when she hit the pedestrian, which immediately triggered a revolt in her guts. She had every intention of stopping, but of course when you have to decide between determining whether or not you've ended another human's life with your car or making a mess in your pants, you make the sensible choice and leave Schrodinger's corpse on the side of the road while hoping for the best.

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"She was wearing Under Armour, she'll be fine."

You and the woman she hit will also be happy to know that Draper drove to a grocery store to use their restroom and, after she'd finished, she stopped and bought some dinner rolls, because, let's face it, that person that got run over is still going to be run over whether or not you pick up the dinner rolls, so why not just buy some and at least put a silver lining on the day?

Another driver less inclined to put bread and poop above human life actually followed Draper and wrote down her plate number, which is how police tracked her down at her home. Surprisingly, she faced only civil and misdemeanor charges and didn't end up in jail, so maybe the shits is a decent excuse after all.

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3
Melting Ice Cream

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Almost as heart-wrenching as a poop problem is when you have a snack on the line. In this case, 58-year-old Flora "I Cream For Ice Cream" Burkhart was driving home when she plowed into the ass end of Derek Parker's pickup truck, doing about $500 worth of damage to each vehicle. Now, you and I might have stopped, traded insurance info, and done that thing where you and the other driver just stand on the road and look at the damage and rub your head and say things like "geez" and try to act like maybe it'd be OK if you weren't held liable for it. Burkhart just backed up, drove around the truck, and kept heading home.

Parker was not content to let someone rear-end him and just go home, so he followed Burkhart and called the police. When they arrived, Burkhart reasoned that she didn't cause enough damage to bother with police, and, more importantly, she'd just purchased a tub of ice cream and that bitch was going to melt. I mean, can you imagine? Melted ice cream! That's upwards of $4 lost, maybe, not to mention how, if it somehow got out of the container, plus the bag it was in, it could have taken literal minutes to clean up. Minutes! Who has those to spare anymore?

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"I'm paying to get an ice cream headache, not a real one."

Even though it seems like Burkhart did the obvious and correct thing, police still showed up because "my ice cream was melting" is apparently bullshit? And a thing a dumbass would say? Go figure. Police state we live in.

2
Tree Branch

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Lest you think terrible excuses are a strictly American pastime, let's go to Singapore, where Cleopatra Wong Yuin Ping was driving home early one morning around 5 a.m., when she rammed into a cyclist. The cyclist was hit so hard he was ejected from his bike and slammed into the windshield, then bounced off onto the road. Now, just imagine that scenario: You hit a 30-year-old man so hard that he and his bicycle separated; the bike gets pulled under your vehicle, where you will drag it for the next two kilometers; and the rider flies up onto your windshield, cracks it, and then bounces off. And somehow you decide this was a tree branch. And not worth stopping for.

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"Seriously, who am I? The Lorax?"

The man-tree in question did crack the windshield and damage the front of the vehicle, and the bike scraped along under the car for quite a distance, but the driver's excuse was that the soundproofing in her Lexus was so good that she thought the sounds she heard were just more pieces of the tree branch being dragged. So she went home and went to bed.

When she woke up the next day, the car had been towed away, and later she was charged with inconsiderate driving, which is the best name ever for a crime that includes running a man over and leaving him on the side of the road. Even better than that, however, is that she served no jail time, as the judge was convinced that she really did think it was a tree branch so it's not her fault that she left the scene.

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1
Trash Can

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Do you have a grandmother? Have you ever noticed -- and this just stays between us, so don't feel bad or awkward -- but have you ever noticed that sometimes, especially when she's crossing a street at 8:30 in the morning, your grandma looks like a can of garbage? I mean, what's up with that? Ol' Granny Trash Can. That's what the neighborhood kids probably call her, right? Her and her trash-can looks? Always looking like a trash can when she crosses the street, the way trash cans do? Right?

OK, so what happened is this: Nick Drossos was up all night doing coke and drinking. I know what you're thinking, but you're wrong. He inexplicably sobered up, and the fact he was drunk and high the night before literally has no relevance to this story. Why did the news share it while simultaneously acknowledging his blood-alcohol was within the legal limit at only .03? Because that's how the media works? Who knows, but this guy was enough of a scumbag without insinuating he was wasted or otherwise unable to control his actions.

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"Was Sober Nick affected by Drunk Nick's gas station burritos from the night before?
Our theory, tonight at 11."

Anyway, legally sober Nick Drossos was driving along at 8:30 a.m., taking his girlfriend home, when he saw what he assumed was a trash can walking across the road. I can't stress this enough -- he thought it was a trash can. Crossing the road. As one is wont to do when sober and level-headed, he just ran that trash can the fuck over and continued on his way.

Drossos, whose license had been suspended several times in the past and was actually suspended at the time of the accident, has a history of violations including DUI and speeding, as well as driving with a suspended license. He was pulled over not for the accident itself but for making an illegal turn in front of the cops, who then noticed that his car was literally splattered with blood and one of his victim's coat buttons was embedded in his windshield, because he'd run her over with enough force to turn her coat buttons into deadly projectiles. And he still stuck with his garbage-can story.

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Once again, he soberly believed this was a reasonable story.

Needless to say, no one cared that he thought the 83-year-old lady he killed was trash, and he was charged with criminally negligent homicide.


For more from Felix, check out 7 Insane Obituaries You Won't Believe Are About Real People and 6 Ways ISIS Is Crazier Than You Thought.

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