5 Actors Who Attempted Music (And Failed Miserably)

There's a curious tradition in Hollywood wherein, every so often, an actor gets it into their head that maybe they can cross boundaries and become a singer as well. Think of it like entertainment rabies. It's rare but not unheard of, it strikes without warning, and the victim will most likely end up dying a horrible death.

It's not that actors can't sing or vice versa; it's just that most can't and shouldn't. While your Dolly Partons and Ice-Ts may thrive in both forums, others fail so miserably someone should have intervened at the start with a harsh "No!" and a rolled-up newspaper to the nose.

#5. David Hasselhoff: Night Rocker

Via Themcelebrity

David Hasselhoff is a full-grown adult man who was in his 30s when he dropped Night Rocker on us like a stray dog drops an unusually shiny turd near your shoe. There was no cause for this other than a vanity project and, since we all know the cliche joke about Hasselhoff's German popularity, we know what became of it. But do you know why?

The title track, "Night Rocker," is not about low-light rocking chair shenanigans. Instead it's about how the Hoff plans to seduce you with his rock 'n' roll badassery. And with lines like these, he'll have the women in slippery stacks waiting for him:

Kiss me and world is so cool and bright
It's so much music in the street
And when I'm walking with you down the boulevard
Something comes alive in me

Epic Records

"Boulevard"? That word's about as sexy as "dysentery" or "Hasselhoff." The fact that it's sung as out of tune as every other word isn't helping. And what's with all that music in the street? Are there bands all over the place, trying to out-music each other, or did a dump truck full of music tip over? Is it disrupting traffic? I mean, he's not talking about the quality of the music; he's clearly talking about quantity. There's just so much of it, and I guess he really likes that. But wait, there's more. There's the chorus:

I am the night rocker
I wanna rock you all night long
I am the night rocker
I wanna love you in a song
It's a sweet lullaby
And I know you want to fly
So come, let's fly away
I am the night rocker

He's the night rocker; he'll rock you all night long. His story checks out when you do the math, but something tells me there'll be less rocking and more half a glass of fiber supplement before bed.

#4. Joe Pesci: Vincent LaGuardia Gambini Sings Just For You

20th Century Fox

Society as a whole has been complicit in the lie that Joe Pesci is a tough guy since Martin Scorsese cast him in 1990's Goodfellas. Since that time, he's repeatedly appeared in intimidating roles despite being roughly the size of a football. Compounding this madness is the fact that Pesci has played up one of his alter egos, pseudo-tough guy Vincent Gambini, from the movie My Cousin Vinny, and given him a singing career. In point of fact, Pesci is neither a tough guy nor a singer, as his album adequately displays with his cover of Louis Armstrong's "What A Wonderful World."

Here's a sample lyric, spelled phonetically for your enjoyment:

And I think to myself, "Wow, what a byoo-dee-full world."

The Beatles somehow dropped their accents entirely when they sang, but Pesci manages to ham his up by a couple of degrees on the Tony Danza scale. But he's in character, right? So it's charming? Well, here's Pesci busting out his '90s rap groove for "Wise Guy," a song about how he'll sexually violate your female relatives and then kill the men in your family, if time permits.

First, to ease us into the song:

It's the bitches that'll get yas
It's the bitches that'll get yas
It's the bitches that'll get yas

The stage has been set. We're already wary of bitches because we know they will get us. What next, Cousin Vinny?

A made man, fact like my ass is fat
Catch Joe in Bermuda throwing 'em back
Sipping on Tequila with a straw hat
Put the prez on hold, tell him I'll call him back
Tow away zones? I don't get a ticket
Any crime committed, that shit is acquitted
I'm a goodfella, I'll tell ya if I did it
Freak scenes with your wife last time I hit it
Cuz I'm more man than you'll ever be
And it was probably your wife in bed with me
If you see me you better look the other way
Double cross me you won't live to see another day
I got seven cars in my garage
A limousine with a TV and bar
I'm a star
Don't do blow and I don't sell crack
Stay alert, I got someone to whack

Via Pfsyn.com
Fuck the Oscars. Get this man a Grammy.

This is all presented with unbridled sincerity, like a latter day Kanye West. Why was Pesci probably sleeping with your wife -- what the hell did you ever do to him? For that matter, what war crime did you commit to make your wife turn to Joe Pesci for comfort? And why do we care about the TV in his limo? Minivans have TVs in them. And most bizarre of all, how does he go from callously ignoring parking tickets to straight-up murder? This verse got out of hand.

Even more shocking is that, yes, Pesci actually is/was a singer and released an album before his acting career took off. He was almost in The Four Seasons, in fact. So what happened? We can only assume all those blows to the head during Home Alone ruined him.

#3. Steven Seagal: Songs From The Crystal Cave

Via Steven-Seagal.net

There's an awesome Hollywood rumor about Steven Seagal that's gone around for years. He has been known to be a bully on the set of his movies, and this has been corroborated by many actors and stunt people. Based on the number of unrelated people who have come forward with this story, there's a good chance it's true and/or the truth is even worse than the stories of him needlessly hitting and attacking his co-workers to prove how tough he is. But one story stands out, and that is about how on the set of Out For Justice, Seagal bragged to the crew that he could never be choked out. Judo legend Gene LeBell was on set and decided to make an example of Mr. Seagal by proceeding to choke him not just out but right into a hearty pantload of crapping himself.

Did a man ever choke out Seagal until he shat himself? Seagal says no, but LeBell, in an oddly respectful way, has gone on record saying yes. We'll probably never know the truth. Why do I mention this? Because even if Seagal didn't shit his pants, he certainly shit this album out.

Nonsolo Blues, WSM
"This is guitar? I can have eat it? BLARRRG!"

This multi-genre album tries to present pop, hip-hop, Jamaican dancehall, soft rock, and the poetic stylings of a glue-huffing Muppet. Read these lyrics and remember they weren't written while he was in a full=blown epileptic seizure:

If you sing with me
We can fill the world with harmony
If you dance with me
We can create a better place to be
Walk with me, feel me musically
You gotta let the music be the remedy
If you sing with me
We can change the world with a melody

You're going to think I'm joking when I tell you this, but I swear to you that I'm not: That song is literally just called "Music." And now I can't stop laughing, thinking of him saying things like, "This is a poem I wrote for my youngest child, Daughter. It's called 'Poem.'" Here's what it sounds like:

You can almost see Seagal playing a brightly colored plastic ukulele while a cartoon lamb sings backup vocals. The album is so unfocused it's hard to imagine anyone not in the midst of a bath-salts-fueled rage appreciating it for anything more than its comedy value. This is epitomized in the song "Lollipop," for which nothing can prepare you either physically or emotionally. You're not ready to hear this song; no one is. It's what happens when a sleepy white guy who fancies himself a Native American/Japanese warrior tries to become Bob Marley. The result is the Lords Of Darkness wincing and putting tentacles in their ears while the inventor of music shoots God a quick "I'm sorry" Hallmark card. Ostentatious and exaggerated criticism? I dare you to listen to the song that spawned these lyrics:

My girl Lollipop
My girl Lollipop (woooh yeah)
You make my heart go giddyup (woooh yeah)
You are as sweet as candy (woooh yeah)
You are my sugar dandy (woooh yeah)

That's, sadly, the least-stupid part of the song, and Seagal sings it with a mumble-mouth vaguely Jamaican patois. Should any decent human ever have to use the word "patois" when discussing Steven Seagal? God no.

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Ian Fortey

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