Did you know that everyone gets older? It's true. Don't believe me? Ask your great-great-grandfather. Oh, he's dead? Yeah. See what I mean?
That's a messed up joke, dick
Anyway, the point is we all get older, and there are usually signs: weight gain, wrinkles, voting Republican, stuff like that. But there are some things in the world that seem like signs of aging that aren't. How many things? Well, for the purposes of this article, let's say four. Well no, I mean, I'm sure there are more than four, but, y'know, we as a society have come to expect a Cracked number-based column to be a certain length. And factoring in for the kind of content, how long it takes me to explain the concept, and leaving room for jokes, I'm going to say four. Four entries will be just about right. So here they are: Four False Signs of Aging.
4 Wrinkles From a Super Strong Hand Dryer
A recent poll of 2,000 aging Americans proved two major assertions: 1) Most aging Americans are concerned about sagging skin, and 2) I am completely okay making up fake polls to support my articles. But you don't need proof to know that everyone's afraid of the skin getting all saggy and gross, sort of like Roger Moore's face in Moonraker.
Another sign of aging? Referencing Bond movies from 1979.
Anyway, when I was kid, you had two choices when it came to drying your hands in a public restroom: gross dark brown towels that felt like paper bags, or shitty hand dryers that did nothing (I suppose there was a third option of just wiping them on your shirt, but I was a classy lad). Sometime in the last few years, however, it seems that the technology took a huge leap forward, and a hand dryer now has the engine power to blast that pesky water into oblivion with the force of a 1,000 angry titans.
The first time I used one of these, I was quite impressed with how dry they got my hands, but there was a problem. My hand skin started rippling like a used car sale banner in the wind. My first thought was, "Oh my God! My skin never used to do that. I'm so old!"
But It's Not A Sign of Aging Because ...
Dude, those new hand dryers are so powerful, they do that rippling thing to anyone's skin. That's just what human skin does. I know it sounds crazy, and I had my doubts too. That's why several weeks ago I took a newborn baby and, after dunking its head in the sink (gently, with proper neck support), I held its head under the dryer. And yes, that baby's skin went ripple ripple ripple, flap flap flap. So, my aging brethren alarmed by sagging skin under high speed dryers, fear no more. It happens to everyone. Even babies. And "baby" is a good term for that kid. Such complaining about a little scientific test. All "wah wah wah."
3 Mall Makeup Mirrors
I haven't frequented my local malls' makeup counter since an unfortunate encounter my senior year of high school.
It's been like weeks since I used this picture in an article. Shut up.
In any event, although not based on personal experience, I've heard women bemoan how awful they seem to look in the mall makeup counter mirrors. Their color is washed out. Their cheeks look sunken. Their eyes are mere chasms of darkness where joy once lived. Horrified by their terrifying visage, they whip out their purses, pocketbooks, and money clips (if they're incredibly butch) to purchase cosmetics to help soften and remedy the horrific effects of time.
So you might think you're a lovely 35-year-old woman who still totally has it going on, but when you get to the mall, suddenly you're confronted with this:
Yes, for some reason, there's a printout of my search result for "hag" from the Getty photo library at your local mall.
But It's Not A Sign of Aging Because ...
Before you go having a nervous breakdown, consider this: it's the mall's job to sell you stuff to make you look better. You think maybe that mall mirror is not to be trusted? You think perhaps the lighting is a touch on the incredibly awful and fluorescent side? Just like everyone knows changing room mirrors can present you in a flattering fashion to make the mall's clothes look great, mall make up mirrors can terrify you into believing you're severely in need of cosmetic assistance.