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4 Things the Internet Needs to Calm Down About

What would you say is the worst viral thing the Internet has ever produced? "Gangnam Style"? Lolcats? That fucking "ERMAHGERD" meme that makes you want to track down every person who has ever used it and lock them in a shipping container with open beehives?

Nope! It's anger. Yep, I'm calling anger a meme. On the Internet, pure, unadulterated anger is viral as hell, and if you're not violently overreacting to insignificant topics, you're not a part of the clique. It's roaming the Web like a colony of fire ants, forever crawling out of your monitor and chewing on you until you get angry too, over stupid shit like ...

#4. Movie Casting

Theo Wargo/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images

When a major movie announces its stars, the Internet instantly turns into a composite creature of rabid ox butts, toothlessly snapping at the object of our aggression and spewing bullshit everywhere. Often, the "That actor sucks!" party takes over within minutes: Everyone who knew that Jack Reacher is an 8-foot-tall ubermensch in the books was appalled to find out he was going to be played by Tom Cruise. The few people who knew that what works in a book doesn't always translate well on screen and bothered to point out that Cruise actually has a pretty decent track record of playing unstoppable badasses were quickly drowned by the outcry. And just like that, the movie lost all chance for credibility before we saw a single frame.

Daniel Craig experienced the same fate when he was cast as James Bond because he had the audacity to be blond. We just screamed and screamed, until we actually saw him in the role.

Eon/MGM
For some, the screaming hasn't stopped since.

And then there is Batman vs. Superman. Movie Batman has always hinged on the script and the director: The Dark Knight himself is literally nothing but a chin poking out of a latex suit and some alluring eye shadow everyone tries to ignore. With the right script, Alice Cooper could play the role. There's no reason why Ben "two Academy Awards and a recent string of great movies" Affleck can't. Even so, the second his casting was announced, the man had to put all his chairs on eBay thanks to the reaming he took from the Internet. I remember this because I was out there with the digital mob, mindlessly screaming into the void over the casting of this pretty boy actor who didn't fit the Batman movie playing in my head.

Carlo Allegri/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
"Say, that scenario sounds kind of familiar."

Of course, this is something of a bat-trend: Michael Keaton turned in a generally well-received performance in the role, despite the fact that his casting was shat on like a statue. Christian Bale enjoyed more than his share of "Fatman" jokes for initially bulking up too much. The only modern Batmen who weren't ridiculed too much before we saw the film were Val Kilmer and George Clooney.

Warner Bros.
Although that's probably because we were busy mocking other things.

The thing we never, ever learn is this: We cannot know how well the actor fits the role until we actually see the movie. We only rant about casting choices to have something to be furious about.

Oh, and it's a self-fueling engine, too: Those rants we read and write only make us feel even angrier. If someone ever manages to harness Internet hate as an energy source, all we need to do is cast Justin Bieber as Deadpool and we're set for eternity.

#3. Sex and Relationships

Tay Jnr/Digital Vision/Getty Images

For a medium that is 95 percent porn, the Internet is surprisingly quick to scream "Blarrgh, gross!" when it comes to actual real-life sex and relationship issues. People protest gay marriage until they're blue in the face, despite the fact that it doesn't affect them in any way unless they're gay themselves.

Otmar Winterleitner/iStock/Getty Images
"I AM MAKING HATE NOISES BECAUSE INTERNET GOBLINS TOLD ME TO."

This is particularly weird, because the Web long ago took away our innocence. Illegal stuff aside, literally everyone online has their own little bag of relationship expectations and sexual fantasies that range from holding hands in the park to sweet Jesus what the hell is that fuck fuck fuck EWWWWW. Before the Internet came along, most of us kept these little kinks in a dark, slightly sticky corner of our minds. Now your dreams are just a Google search away, whether you're a guy who just wants a shy glance at boobs or the Grand Bonemaster of the Bicycle Boning Society. Both of those fantasies are somewhere out there, hanging out on the Web just like you and me and our little secrets.


*Innocuous whistling*

Now, here's where the anger comes in. A person can express online hostility in four distinct ways: contempt, spite, raiding, and outrage. Incidentally, animals are only capable of three types of anger, which technically makes your dog better suited for the Internet than you.

Miyagawa
"Back off, man, I've got this."

In the nudelicious environment of the Internet, these strains of hate bleed into our ideas of sex and relationships, creating clashes left and right and sometimes concentrating into little communities of like-minded (and often awful) people. Too much raiding in the sex mix, and you get those fluffy-hatted "pickup artists" who go by names like "Mystery" and "Starscream" and "Butt" (I think -- I'm not going to research their actual monikers), dress like pimps on acid, and talk about women in terms of conquest. Too much contempt, and you could wind up thinking that it's society's fault you don't have a girlfriend. Too much outrage, and ... shit, that fits pretty much every one of us, doesn't it? Every time we've "jokingly" bullied someone because of their perceived sexuality (when was the last time you casually called someone gay online?) or screamed at them because of their weird fetish, we've been the person who adds two fingers of outrage to their sex cocktail.

Andrew Dressel
Sometimes this is not entirely unjustified.

It's quite impressive, really: We've managed to take a primal need like boning and turn it into an anger management test where everyone gets an F.

Hey, speaking of primal needs ...

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Pauli Poisuo

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