There are a handful of situations in life when it's perfectly OK to lie. Your friend has an ugly baby? You may want to resist the urge to use the words "Rocky Dennis" and just say "cute." Your parents say they're coming to stay for week? You say you have Ebola-induced dysentery. It's a system we all abide by and enjoy to a greater or lesser degree.
And in few areas of human interaction are lies more acceptable and prevalent than that of sexual debauchery. We lie like cheap Persian rugs through the entire experience, from first contact to leaving cab fare on the dresser, and it gets old pretty damn fast. And some lies, for everyone's enjoyment, just need to end sooner rather than later.
#4. "My _____ Tastes Like Strawberries"
Siri Stafford/Photodisc/Getty Images
I know you've heard this before, because I think this phrase has been handed out on cards with every vagina and ballsack ever since the early '80s. If you have ever enjoyed a rousing session of cyber sex, odds are you've run afoul of this beastly lie. Maybe you yourself have dropped this mad falsitude on someone when trying to keep the flow of filth going. Dudes assuring ladies that their spooge tastes like pineapples and ladies claiming their undercarriages are just like strawberries and peaches. Oh fie on your felonious lies.
And anybody who claims to taste like celery juice is both lying and disgusting.
If we're all adults here, and we've all participated in a game of X-rated apple bobbing, then we've tasted the juices of another, and that shit is not from Minute Maid. And this isn't even to say oral sex is gross -- not at all. This has nothing to do with rug munchery or wang polishing, two delightful pastimes we should all be happy to partake of. It's the deception, the grandiose lie we think we can pull off on another human being, like we're selling a car after tampering with the odometer. We all know what's supposed to happen, so don't shit in my boot and tell me it's a comfort insole. I don't care if you're Scarlett Johansson or the Queen of England; your gobbledygooker is going to taste a certain, perfectly acceptable way, but it ain't Skittles. Likewise, I'm not busting out a Jamba Juicery, but dammit, we know that. We all know that!
Chris Jackson/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
You are now picturing the Queen's gobbledygooker.
You lying about what you taste like is like telling people you have the Mona Lisa at home. It's literally knuckles-in-poop stupid and no one with any sense is buying it, so stop selling. You want to spice up dirty talk and entice someone, then tell them your magic clam predicts lotto numbers or something. It's about as confusing, but at least it requires more time to puzzle out than some fly-by-night line about Fruit by the Foot.
"There's nothing artificial about my flavoring, baby."
#3. "My _____ Is This Big"
George Doyle/Stockbyte/Getty Images
Andre the Giant, consummate actor and wrestling phenomenon, was often billed as being 7'4" tall. He can be seen in numerous photos standing only a few inches taller than his friend and coworker Hulk Hogan, who is 6'4". It's speculated that, in reality, Andre was around 6'10" or maybe 6'11", but probably not over seven feet. Still, it's more impressive for a giant to be 7'4". And massive as he was, who were any of us to question those numbers? That brings us to dicks.
You are now picturing Andre the Giant's dick, readying for the Queen's gobbledygooker.
Penises are the ultimate sideshow act. They need a barker, and that's the rest of the body surrounding the penis, to drum up interest. Who wants to see a grisly penis all alone? Tuberous, floppy, errant flesh folds here and there, a limpid coating beset with harrowing veins and a dangly sack holding two ominous objects that could be anything from eggs to very still toads. A lone penis is as off-putting as tongue-kissing Joe Biden.
Alex Wong/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Or just having him come within 500 feet of you, really.
The penis' hype man, which is me, or you, or anyone who owns the penis, has to sell the penis. He has to make that faceless serpent into something appealing. So you start building a penis biography. A record of great penile achievements. Your penis can count to ten in eight different languages. Your penis once owned Elvis' car. Your penis can make jams, jellies, preserves, and marmalade at reasonable prices in a myriad of exotic flavors. Your penis wins knife fights. And inevitably, you come up with one solid tale about your penis that everyone gets to hear: "Oh, by the way, my penis is about two hectares."
No one has a two-hectare penis, and not just because that's a massive measurement of area, more suitable for farmland than dickland. It's just bullshit. So are 90 percent of the 12-inch dongs on the Internet. And 11-inch, and 10-inch, and so on.
Those numbers are only accurate when you use the centimeter part of the ruler.
The Internet has a million answers as to average penis size, but livescience.com tells me the Journal of Sexual Medicine conducted a survey of over 1600 men and determined that the average size of the erect male dongle is 5.6 inches. So are there 12-inch horse wangs being dragged around out there? Yes, but for every one of those dudes, there's a guy out there whose penis is so small that it's actually a cavern with enough suction power from the breeze therein to hold up a piece of paper.
We all know dicks aren't 12 inches long, but for some reason, when you're in the hype man role, it seems like a thing to tell a lady. The more street-smart hype man will ease this back to nine inches, because obviously 12 is fake -- that's big enough to kill someone in the next room. Nine inches is entirely plausible, probably. Except, as we can see, not really.
Frank Micelotta/Hulton Archive/Getty Images
"Five and half inches, three-quarters on a good day, nail if I'm being honest."
Everyone needs to be happy with a 5.6-inch dong or the world is just going to stop working. If that shit is average, that has to be your standard of acceptability. And the hype man needs to know that and be OK with it. Say it's six inches -- no one's checking those last few hash marks on the ruler. Be cool with what you have and stop trying to be a man-donkey.
Ladies, you don't get away for free here either, because man, what's with boobie lies? Damnable boobie lies. First, let's agree that every boob is wonderful, unless it's one of Grandma's flapjack titties. That's uncool. But you're not my grandma, and so I want you to be happy with whatever you have going. There's no need for the stuffing and the pushing and the squeezing materials that make the boobs all deceptive, unless -- I'm willing to allow that this can just be a thing you folks do when you want to be feeling good about the way you look -- you're not going to outright tell me you're packing canary melons in the pantry when you're really just balancing persimmons on a rack of lies.
And no, you don't taste like a persimmon either. Shut up already.
Don't think it happens? Oh, it happens. Many a man has been left misty-eyed when he planned to conquer both peaks of K2 and ended up scaling Mt. Pimpletit instead. It's just a matter of courtesy. Two people with actual, average-sized human body parts can still have a great time together. I assume. I wouldn't know -- I'm lugging a firehose around.