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4 Insane Solutions to America's Biggest Problems

Ladies and gentlemen, distinguished readers, spambots, trolls, and easily offended moms here by accident from Facebook:

Thank you for joining me in the State of the Union.

(pause for applause)

(pause grows awkward in length)

*cough* You know, NOBODY governs like America!

(Rock-and-roll solo squeals out. Crowd goes wild, as it should.)

But you've forgotten that, my fellow Americans. You've forgotten how hard you rock, and you've given in to fear. You fear that America's powers are in decline. You fear that this country is crumbling to enemies both domestic and foreign. You fear that there's nothing you can do about it, or worse: that you can, but it requires effort.

Look, I won't lie to you: America's bleeding. But let me ask you a question, Sniffles O'Buttercup -- are you going to sit there posting Facebook statuses about how hard you weep for this country, or are you going to sack up, cinch in, and light this patriotism shit off?

You can cry about the America we have, or you can help build the America we want. The best way to do the latter is by solving one problem with another. See, we are fortunate enough to have problems that fit together into a self-devouring crisis ecosystem. Therefore I am proposing that Congress turn the following weaknesses into strengths:

#4. Use the Unemployed to Fight Obesity, Power the Nation

Jesus Diabetes Christ, America, you've let yourself go. You're so fat that when you sit around the house, you sit around the ICU ward recuperating from your fifth coronary. I don't want to kick you while you're down, but I honestly can't tell if you're down or up now that you've shaped out into a perfect sphere. The average American's weight has gone up so much since the 1940s that birth certificates now give the options of "male," "female," and "ham monster."

Getty
When you're sweating corn syrup, it's time for the nation to reconsider its lifestyle.

This is mostly because of our diet -- we eat so poorly that science now recognizes sodium nitrate as a blood type. But it's also because air conditioning allows us to stay inside playing video games instead of sweating it all out on the football field, bleeding and losing teeth, like people did when they still knew how to have fun. So now you're fat and you need more air conditioning to prevent mold from thriving under your clammy breasts. It's a drain on the electricity, and it's going to stop.

Wasting electricity is an American tradition, and we're not about to give that up. But America is already suffering from rolling power outages. We need to find a way to feed our energy addiction before it forces us into a spiral of responsibility. Unfortunately, rising unemployment and obesity mean that more people are sitting at home, requiring more and more energy to cool their expanding bodies, and that fewer tightly coiled balls of American whoop-ass kicking are at work at the ... electricity factories? Wherever electricity gets made.

The Solution: Obesity + Power Shortages + Unemployment = Green Power

Up to this point, the green people have clogged up our roads with bikes, and the obesity and electricity epidemics have only fed one another. It's time to force feed that snake its own tail.

I'm talking roving gangs of bike wranglers combing the streets for the unemployed and the pedal-powered alike and taking them to a warehouse full of stationary bikes wired up to a capacitor. Their efforts will power a massive game of Mario Kart, and the high scorer for the day gets a $50 bonus in their paycheck.

Is it inefficient? Hell yeah, if your only goal is to generate electricity. We're reducing fossil fuel consumption while forging an army of road warriors. And after a few weeks of 30- to 90-minute shifts under medical supervision, we'll have a slimmer America that gets its fill of video games at work and recreational bicyclists clear from our nation's auto lanes, no longer struggling to pass one another as they dream of clearing Lance Armstrong's name and earning his friendship.

#3. Convert America to a Carnivorous Wildlife Reserve, Give People a Reason to Be Armed

It's not the president's place to interpret or rewrite the Second Amendment, so rest assured, no one is taking your guns away. Although if they were, what are you scared of? That's precisely why you have a gun, you sexy well-regulated militia, you. Were they to somehow disarm you while leaving you alive, you'd be vulnerable to all manner of burglars, caribou, and teenagers.

Meanwhile, this debate is distracting attention from the very real ecological havoc caused by global warming, and thousands upon thousands of species stand to lose their habitats.

The Solution: Second Amendment Debate + Ecological Decline = A Safer Nation

That's why every home will be issued its own endangered beast. You will enjoy the protection of a big ol' honking wolf, lion, or cinema's Gary Busey, as well as the entertaining wrasslin' matches that come with that bloody territory. You'll also be guaranteeing a future for these beasts and their prey and stimulating the economy, since feeding these things ain't cheap and you really can't put a price on the value of keeping the lion in your living room well-fed.

I know what you're thinking: "Won't the invader just bring a rhino to a lion fight?"

Don't be absurd. Have you ever tried to drag a rhino across town and coerce it into a burglary? They're not going anywhere they don't want to -- and even if they do, statistically speaking, most rhinoceros crime is nonviolent fiscal fraud. Your enemy's best bet is still to bring a gun, and science has yet to invent the firearm that beats Armed Homeowner Riding a Polar Bear.

Getty
Like you wouldn't trade all your guns to be best friends with a polar bear.

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