4 Douches Who Amazingly Don't Seem to Know They Suck

People do bad things. We know that. And very often the people doing those things know it, too. Ax murderers understand you're not supposed to chop people up into little pieces; bank robbers have no confusion about theft being illegal; and although Anthony Weiner can't seem to stop doing it, he knows he's not supposed to be sending pictures of his cock all around the Web.

Michael Nagle/Getty Images News/Getty Images
"I've done a bad thing. Repeatedly. In fact, I'm not wearing pants now. Wanna see?"

But there are all sorts of crimes against humanity that happen every single day, perpetrated by people who don't think they're wrong. They can't think they're wrong because they're so open about their actions. These are people who are able to rationalize their behavior -- to shut down their brains the moment it attempts to ponder if what they're doing will adversely affect others. These folks are selfish, self-centered, ethically flawed douchebags. There's no doubt about it. They just haven't accepted it yet. Maybe some of the people on this list are you. Odds are some of the people on this list are you. Feel free to leave mean-spirited comments about why you're not a douchebag, but maybe, and I don't pretend you'll listen, maybe just, y'know, stop being a douchebag. You're sharing this world with the rest of us.

#4. People Who Park in Handicapped Spaces/Drive With Misappropriated Handicapped Tags

If you do this, you are a bad person. The end. Please accept that. Accept that you are completely deficient as a human being and any rationalization or justification you have floating around your head is evidence only of there being some shred of decency in your tainted, vile life desperately trying to justify its existence before submerging itself into the black, tarry evil of your soul.

The rest of society (that is, not the unforgivable piece of human garbage you are) have decided that having physical disabilities is not fun. We, as a people, made a decision that the afflicted deserved an ounce of comfort in their lives -- specifically, parking spaces closer to their destinations. Perhaps it's because those deserving these spots are impaired by age. Maybe they're severely tormented children missing limbs or certain chromosomes for reasons that no one can bear to ponder. Whoever they are, the handicapped spots are a kindness that society has decided to impart upon them.

Dynamic Graphics Group/Dynamic Graphics 
"Wait a second, how could someone set aside a space for someone who is not me?!?"

And then there's you. Morally repugnant, physically sound you who thinks you're so fucking clever to have scored yourself the right to park in these spaces. Maybe you got the tags off your infirm mom who no longer drives. Or maybe you're buds with some desk jockey who issues tags for the town. I don't know how your functioning brain got your 10 fingers on handicapped tags. It's not something I've investigated, but I am positive there is no way you're not a piece of shit.

Let me ask you: When you're sitting in the driver's seat, navigating your car with your working limbs, powered by that tiny black heart pushing the bile and feces through your circulatory system, does it ever occur to you that moments after you pull into the handicapped space outside Applebee's, there's a mom driving her wheelchair-bound 7-year-old daughter to a birthday celebration who has left the house 4.7 seconds after you who now has to park farther away? Maybe you got there first because she was emptying out a colostomy bag so it didn't overflow during the Applebee's birthday celebration they planned. After all, not everyone is as speedy and clever as you. Did you never ever think of the comfort you're taking away from another solely in the interest of what feels best for you?

Maybe not. Maybe you did, but didn't care. I'm not sure. The only certainty is that either way, you are wrong. Your sins are indefensible, and instead of attempting to defend yourself, just take all that energy to be something that doesn't suck.

EDIT: This entry is not about people parking in handicapped spaces who DON'T have visually obvious handicaps. Why would it be? It's about able-bodied people without the handicapped tags or who have illicitly obtained the tags, taking those spaces from actually handicapped people. (Y'know, both visually obvious and non-visually obvious handicapped people). But everyone knew that already because, y'know, words.

#3. People Who Work in Customer Service and Are Irritated by Questions

Look, I've worked customer service. I get it. People are assholes. I once worked in a bookstore and had a customer try to get me fired because I wouldn't honor his request to use the photocopy machine in the back of the store to make personal copies for free. Yes, I get it. Customer service sucks because, y'know, people.

But if you work in customer service, serving customers is still your job. That is your actual job. And even if your boss is an asshole and you deem yourself far too talented to actually do the job you're being paid to do (serving customers), that's not the customers' fault. So basically if you roll your eyes and show annoyance at the very act of being asked a question, you suck. I'm not talking about the rude or abusive. You know what I'm talking about. Do not look at your customers like an annoyance off the bat. It's not their fault you hate where you are and what you're doing. The world would not be a better place if they didn't exist. You'd just be out of a job.

Ryan McVay/Photodisc/Getty Images
"Why can't I get paid for this? It's what I'm good at and no one bothers me!"

I once had a guy at an information booth roll his eyes at me for not knowing something. Let me say that again: a guy working an information booth rolled his eyes at me for not knowing something. Yeah, get it? If people didn't not know stuff, there would be no need to plant your lazy minimum wage earning ass in a glass cubicle. If you have to roll your eyes at questions, just stay home and roll joints instead. Then you can watch TV stoned all day and mumble about how smart you are.

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