4 Douches Who Amazingly Don't Seem to Know They Suck
People do bad things. We know that. And very often the people doing those things know it, too. Ax murderers understand you're not supposed to chop people up into little pieces; bank robbers have no confusion about theft being illegal; and although Anthony Weiner can't seem to stop doing it, he knows he's not supposed to be sending pictures of his cock all around the Web.
"I've done a bad thing. Repeatedly. In fact, I'm not wearing pants now. Wanna see?"
But there are all sorts of crimes against humanity that happen every single day, perpetrated by people who don't think they're wrong. They can't think they're wrong because they're so open about their actions. These are people who are able to rationalize their behavior -- to shut down their brains the moment it attempts to ponder if what they're doing will adversely affect others. These folks are selfish, self-centered, ethically flawed douchebags. There's no doubt about it. They just haven't accepted it yet. Maybe some of the people on this list are you. Odds are some of the people on this list are you. Feel free to leave mean-spirited comments about why you're not a douchebag, but maybe, and I don't pretend you'll listen, maybe just, y'know, stop being a douchebag. You're sharing this world with the rest of us.
People Who Park in Handicapped Spaces/Drive With Misappropriated Handicapped Tags
If you do this, you are a bad person. The end. Please accept that. Accept that you are completely deficient as a human being and any rationalization or justification you have floating around your head is evidence only of there being some shred of decency in your tainted, vile life desperately trying to justify its existence before submerging itself into the black, tarry evil of your soul.
The rest of society (that is, not the unforgivable piece of human garbage you are) have decided that having physical disabilities is not fun. We, as a people, made a decision that the afflicted deserved an ounce of comfort in their lives -- specifically, parking spaces closer to their destinations. Perhaps it's because those deserving these spots are impaired by age. Maybe they're severely tormented children missing limbs or certain chromosomes for reasons that no one can bear to ponder. Whoever they are, the handicapped spots are a kindness that society has decided to impart upon them.
"Wait a second, how could someone set aside a space for someone who is not me?!?"
And then there's you. Morally repugnant, physically sound you who thinks you're so fucking clever to have scored yourself the right to park in these spaces. Maybe you got the tags off your infirm mom who no longer drives. Or maybe you're buds with some desk jockey who issues tags for the town. I don't know how your functioning brain got your 10 fingers on handicapped tags. It's not something I've investigated, but I am positive there is no way you're not a piece of shit.
Let me ask you: When you're sitting in the driver's seat, navigating your car with your working limbs, powered by that tiny black heart pushing the bile and feces through your circulatory system, does it ever occur to you that moments after you pull into the handicapped space outside Applebee's, there's a mom driving her wheelchair-bound 7-year-old daughter to a birthday celebration who has left the house 4.7 seconds after you who now has to park farther away? Maybe you got there first because she was emptying out a colostomy bag so it didn't overflow during the Applebee's birthday celebration they planned. After all, not everyone is as speedy and clever as you. Did you never ever think of the comfort you're taking away from another solely in the interest of what feels best for you?
Maybe not. Maybe you did, but didn't care. I'm not sure. The only certainty is that either way, you are wrong. Your sins are indefensible, and instead of attempting to defend yourself, just take all that energy to be something that doesn't suck.
EDIT: This entry is not about people parking in handicapped spaces who DON'T have visually obvious handicaps. Why would it be? It's about able-bodied people without the handicapped tags or who have illicitly obtained the tags, taking those spaces from actually handicapped people. (Y'know, both visually obvious and non-visually obvious handicapped people). But everyone knew that already because, y'know, words.
People Who Work in Customer Service and Are Irritated by Questions
Look, I've worked customer service. I get it. People are assholes. I once worked in a bookstore and had a customer try to get me fired because I wouldn't honor his request to use the photocopy machine in the back of the store to make personal copies for free. Yes, I get it. Customer service sucks because, y'know, people.
But if you work in customer service, serving customers is still your job. That is your actual job. And even if your boss is an asshole and you deem yourself far too talented to actually do the job you're being paid to do (serving customers), that's not the customers' fault. So basically if you roll your eyes and show annoyance at the very act of being asked a question, you suck. I'm not talking about the rude or abusive. You know what I'm talking about. Do not look at your customers like an annoyance off the bat. It's not their fault you hate where you are and what you're doing. The world would not be a better place if they didn't exist. You'd just be out of a job.
"Why can't I get paid for this? It's what I'm good at and no one bothers me!"
I once had a guy at an information booth roll his eyes at me for not knowing something. Let me say that again: a guy working an information booth rolled his eyes at me for not knowing something. Yeah, get it? If people didn't not know stuff, there would be no need to plant your lazy minimum wage earning ass in a glass cubicle. If you have to roll your eyes at questions, just stay home and roll joints instead. Then you can watch TV stoned all day and mumble about how smart you are.
People Who Accelerate Not to Let You into a Lane
You ever try to merge into a highway or change lanes, check to make sure you have plenty of room, and still get honked by the guy who is now behind you? "Weird," you think. "That dude was like nowhere near me when I checked before merging." Well, what has happened here is that you are sharing the road with a douchebag. This is someone who saw you merging, was irritated that you had the audacity to enter the lane, and actually accelerated up to your car to make the merge look more dangerous, allowing him the privilege of honking you like you're the problem. I know this happens all the time, but it doesn't make the behavior any less ridiculous. If you do this to people, you're wrong. Period.
Is this you? No, because you're a much better actor than this tool? OK, fine I believe you.
Here's a helpful rule of thumb for those looking to honk people merging: If you have to step on the brake to prevent yourself from rear-ending someone entering your lane, then you can consider honking. After all, people have a right to enter roads and change lanes and it is possible to do so in a safe way that might still necessitate others adjusting speed. But yeah, if you have to brake, at least you have the beginning of an argument that you are not the douchebag. If, however, you feel the need to actually step on the gas and rush toward the one merging, you're not allowed to honk. Simple enough, right? Make sense? You don't care, do you? You want that lane. It's yours!
Not convinced? OK, try this: Get naked and stand in front of a full-length mirror. See how tiny your penis is? Oh, yeah, sorry, that's not meant to explain my logic, I just wanted to tell you how inadequate you are if you enjoy accelerating up to people who are merging and honking them.
People Who Don't Accept Apologies for Tiny Accidents
Accidents happen. Sometimes they're caused by reckless people you can't forgive -- especially if that recklessness has caused great harm. Someone skateboards into the Met and spills his Red Bull all over a Van Gogh? Yeah, that's a big deal. But did you ever fuck up in a minor and totally innocent way and still seem unable to make it right? Like, I don't know, bump into someone in the street or take someone else's print job off the printer underneath yours? Y'know, little things that everyone does all the time simply because you're alive and live with other people. And if you're not a jerk, you just say, "Oh, I'm sorry," or "Oops, here you go," or whatever -- just something to convey that you accidentally inconvenienced another person in a minor, accidental way and you're sorry. Of course you have. You're not a monster. (Unless you're one of the douchebags I've already mentioned above. Then I have no idea what you do.)
Trust me. That was no bizarre, esoteric example. Van Goghs getting defaced with Red Bull happens like all the time.
But did you apologize for a small thing to someone who wouldn't accept it? The other day I was walking on a crowded New York City street when the young woman in front of me suddenly and abruptly slowed down while I was checking my email. As a result, I made a slight, unintentional contact with her. Specifically, I stepped on the very back of her flip-flop. Although you could argue that only a lunatic would expect to remain unscathed after suddenly halting in the middle of rush hour foot traffic, I promptly apologized. Something to the effect of "Oh, I'm sorry."
Her reaction: Silence, followed by the frowning of a lifetime and a head turn so indignant, you'd think I'd just sodomized her maternal grandmother. As she stormed off, I shouted, "I guess you don't accept my apology?" Know what she said? Nothing. Don't be stupid. No one talks to weird dudes who exclaim things in the middle of crowded city streets, but that's not the point. It was a harmless, tiny accident, promptly apologized for, and still, there was no pleasing this woman. That's why she earned the number one spot on this list. And why I'm planning on (consensually) sodomizing her grandma.
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