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Some weekends, I like to get a case of beer, some burgers, maybe a pie, and tune up my old buddy Netflix to see what wonders it has in store for me. Will I watch BoJack Horseman? Hemlock Grove? Forty straight hours of Mr. Belvedere? No, this weekend, something else is afoot.

While scrolling through movies recommended for me based on the peyote-fueled delusions of Netflix's self-aware but entirely schizophrenic AI, I noticed a film with the too-precious-to-be-real name Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead. The cover art seemed to be of a Japanese girl in a school uniform, Sailor-Moon-style, with some pissy coloring. Some digging turned up no fewer than half a dozen other Japanese horror movies that also featured basically the exact same cover art -- a Japanese schoolgirl with some kind of weapon, and maybe a second or third schoolgirl.

The art for The Terminator features the Terminator. Alien has that creepy egg pod. The awesomeness that is Bloodsport features the awesomeness that is Jean-Claude Van Damme in a full-on ball-punching pose. These covers give me a hint what their movies are about when combined with the title. All of these Japanese movies were just random gibbering words pasted over Sailor Jupiter's head as she brandished some killy/stabby/shooty thing.

Clearly, as a cinephile, I owed myself the pleasure of watching these movies to determine what the hell they were about. And so I did. And now I share the experience with you. My condolences.

Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead


First Impressions: Well, it's a zombie movie, I guess. And there's a schoolgirl in it. I'm struggling to see how asses and toilets relate. I decide that maybe the zombie infection comes from tainted sewage? Or the first victim gets bit while on a toilet? I don't know.

Plot: First, know that I actually sat through this entire film, and it was a chore. I bounced like a madman between delight and shame and incredulous disbelief over and over again as the movie played out. But anyway, here's the plot as I understand it. There's a girl who is afraid of bugs and as such her sister gets her head flushed in a toilet by schoolgirl bullies. To overcome this, she goes on a road trip with a boobie girl, her 40-year-old drug-addled/rapist boyfriend, a normal girl, and a nerd with a pageboy haircut who literally no one on the trip admits to knowing. Why is he there? There's a scene in which his presence is questioned and no one owns up to even knowing who he is. How did he get there?

They travel to a forest, where the boobie girl wants to find a tapeworm so she can become a successful model/actress. Inexplicably, they actually do find a tapeworm in a local fish, and she eats it. The rapist tries to rape the schoolgirl. He also gets attacked by a zombie. Schoolgirl breaks his zombie neck. They decide to walk to the nearest town.

Boobie Girl, having eaten the giant tapeworm, now has diarrhea. She runs to an outhouse and the camera practically gives her a colonoscopy. From the shitpile below, a zombie surfaces and giggles to himself for about five minutes while Boobie Girl laments having to shit here. The zombie proceeds to molest her ass with shit hands. This scene goes on longer than you could possibly imagine. Just shitty hands smearing all over her ass.

The zombie climbs from the toilet and gropes her boobs. This movie is not for feminists. It turns out the entire town is apparently living in the outhouse. Everyone panics. Boobie Girl farts out an honest-to-goodness demon.

Schoolgirl and the others discover a doctor and his daughter. The doctor gives his daughter the worms, which cause zombism, to help cure her cancer? In exchange, he fed the town to the zombie worms. It makes as much sense as I have lead you to believe.

The doctor infects everyone with zombie worms, so that sucks. There's a bit of panicking, and eventually only Schoolgirl is left alive. At this point, all the worms are coming out of zombie asses and making everyone walk around bent over, ass first. Suddenly Boobie Girl returns, only she's infected with the assworm queen. She and Schoolgirl fight. Schoolgirl wins. But wait, the assworm queen takes over and grows into a Mighty-Morphin-Power-Rangers-esque villain. There's an airborne fight scene, the queen worm using wings and Schoolgirl using a fart rocket, as assworm fights assworm (the Schoolgirl's assworm is like a good guy now, I guess). Schoolgirl wins again, and the scourge is over. Whatever.

Mutant Girl Squad


First Impression: There's a schoolgirl with a pointy glove, a nurse, and some random surly girl. They're mutants, so I assume that glove is actually her hand. I have no idea what makes that nurse a mutant. I have learned nothing.

Plot: Man, this movie gave the ass zombies a run for their money. Near as I can tell, the schoolgirl in this movie is half mutant, or HILKO, a word that I do not think anyone even attempts to explain. They're just a race of beings that are not quite human, and no one likes them. Her dad is HILKO, and that means he has little monsters for nipples, and also his wang is a monster. His daughter just gets this nightmare glove hand. When she's in danger, it reacts by killing anyone nearby. On her 16th birthday, the government, here represented by guys in helmets with big black dildo-nose guns, show up and shoot her parents to death, then a fat guy with a sword attacks and she cuts his hands off. Her dad's severed head, lying on her birthday cake, wishes her well.

Outside, Schoolgirl is in a panic after watching her parents get murdered and also growing a demon hand. Some guy on TV tries to shoot her and she kills his ass. She then proceeds to murder half the city in the longest, most inexplicable mass murder scene I have ever witnessed. Just more and more people keep running at her for no reason, and they die miserably. One guy actually runs at her brandishing a daikon radish. This is not played up, and in fact happens mostly in the background, making it hard to notice unless you keep pausing and screencapping the movie, as I have been doing. Why did he attack her with a radish?

At this point, she's being attacked by locals, who think she's a mythological creature from the mountains and thus want to stuff her and put her in the mall to increase tourism. No, really. Instead, she seems to kill everyone in town. Then two ladies show up and take her away, except one lady is a man -- he's just wearing a dress, white makeup, and cherry red lipstick. Right on.

We find ourselves next at Xavier's School For Preposterously Gifted Japanese Girls. Xavier is that makeup-wearing fellow. I forget his name. Schoolgirl gets an iron mask clamped on her head, and it will only come off when she masters her treasure. What's a treasure? Her HILKO power. All the girls have one, ranging from an ass chainsaw to nipple swords to a red circle on the face. I have no idea if it does anything.

Here's another girl, whose treasure is tiny rubber hands on her goddamn head. She's totally serious about it, guys.

Schoolgirl trains with them until she masters her devil hand, then the man in lipstick sends her and Cosplay Nurse Yoshie to kill some general-type fellow at a party, because that's what you do. The killing goes OK. Here's Nurse Yoshie in action.

You'll be happy to know they do closeups of that man with her proboscis in his mouth, and whatever special effects they used look very convincingly fleshy. It looks like honest-to-goodness scrotum. Later, a girl gets a sword in the ass. The Japanese have a thing for ass.

There's bad news: the humans have created the ultimate weapon for destroying HILKO. The good news is that they kill it in about three minutes, because it's a lame asshole in silver body paint.

Schoolgirl suffers doubt when she comes to realize her lipstick master is insane and wants to murder all humans. She decides to fight against him, and convinces Nurse Yoshie to join in, too. Because you need friends. This is followed by a montage in which all the other girls, under the command of Lipstick, are now suicide bombers intent on killing all humans. But there's like eight of them at most. And they all have terrible mutant powers, so why use a bomb and die in the process? No one knows. Apropos of nothing, one scene starts with this man in his underpants eating some kind of food.

You'll notice he's in public in his underwear. This is never explained, as he dies soon after. No time to care though, because this happens!

That's Schoolgirl and her arch-rival, Barnacle Girl. They share a tender moment -- Barnacle Girl plays Schoolgirl's hand wires like a guitar, and there's a bit of boob touching. At the same time, Nurse Yoshie has to fight Ass Chainsaw and Nipple Swords. Then she has to fight Naked Androgynous Astroboy, who was literally never a character until just now. She beats them all, then literally rides Astroboy to Barnacle Girl and Schoolgirl as they face off against Lipstick, who has merged with the HILKO god to form this thing:

Now before you ask, yes, those are tits over his shoulders. They spray acid milk, which he uses to melt off the Prime Minister's legs. The three girls fight him until they toss one of those suicide bombs at him and make Astroboy explode it, killing them both and saving the day. Oh, and the Prime Minister survives (with no arms or legs) and then insults them, so they beat him to death. The end.

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Chanbara Beauty: The Movie - Vortex


First Impressions: Two boobie girls sandwich a schoolgirl. They have weapons. I guess "beauty" refers to the girls. I have no idea what "Chanbara" means until I Google it and discover it means sword fighting. Sounds legit. The "vortex" part I can only assume is a euphemism for "vagina."

Plot: I don't know what this movie was about. The credits are literally still rolling in another window as I write this, and I am not going to be able to help you very much in figuring out what this mess was trying to tell me. I'll do my best, though, because your knowledge of Japanese schoolgirl cinema demands it, I guess.

So a pharmaceutical company invented a drug to make people live forever, but it instead turned everyone into zombies. Shit. Now, 20 years later, these sisters kill zombies with swords. One wears a pristine white schoolgirl outfit, which I assume is hard to come by in a post-apocalyptic world. The other dresses like a cross between Clint Eastwood and a stripper, complete with a cowboy hat, a poncho, a white feather boa, and a bikini. She has impressive breasts, and they will be featured often. I also suspect that if she had to use those swords to defend herself against a rogue watermelon, she'd be knocked unconscious after 10 minutes of stabbing and swinging like a blind guy being chased by a seagull.

The zombies in this story seem to know kung fu, and when they get stabbed, it's often under the arm in that way you used to stab your friends with a stick when you were five and pretended it went right through them -- also known as the way you do it when your budget can't afford stabbing effects.

The sisters meet a girl at the beginning who tells them that the zombies have a leader, and she needs their help to kill her. This has something to do with the blood of the sisters, which she refers to as Chimpy or Kimchi or something. I'm not looking it up again, because the movie literally refuses to explain it. At no time is it accounted for, other than to say the girls are cursed such that when blood touches their skin, it makes them go all batshit crazy. But only after half the movie is over does this even come up.

Schoolgirl Sister betrays Boobie Sister when it's revealed this new girl is actually the leader of the zombies, despite not being a zombie herself. Then again, her elite zombie bodyguards aren't zombies either, so how the hell do I know what's going on? Point is, she wants to steal a little girl from this other boobie woman. So she does! So they chase her down! They fight! Humanity wins, I guess.

The only other noteworthy aspect of this movie is how the filmmakers chose the "fuck your vision" technique when it came to special effects. They literally smear the screen with what's supposed to be blood during every fight scene, so you can't make out jack shit. For the climactic battle, they add blood smears, blood flying things, and piss-poor lighting. I imagine it'd be like watching a kung fu fight if you were being repeatedly kicked in the head and trying to see through a dirty window at the same time.

Conclusion: I feel bad for actual Japanese schoolgirls -- they must be living in a constant state of terror. From what I can understand of these films, schoolgirls have a lot to do with cleavage and butts in Japan. But if I'm being fair, there's a fairly creepy North American sexualization of schoolgirl uniforms as well -- it's just not as mainstream as this. We didn't make a popular cartoon about it or anything.

None of these movies take place at school. In fact, only one even had scenes in a school. Do schoolgirls in Japan just not have other clothes? Also, it's been established in the last movie that the world ended 20 years ago, so that girl never even started school. Why does she have an outfit that is her size when she's in her 20's and one of only a handful of humans left alive? No, this doesn't make sense at all.

I'd been hoping to see if I could determine a link between schoolgirls and horror, or an understanding of where schoolgirls fit into the pop culture of Japan. I could half-ass a thesis on innocence and the interplay between it, hardcore violence and death, sexuality, and adulthood. But I don't think that pans out in any of the plots when you consider all the murdering and jiggling I just watched. I think it's boners. I think schoolgirls are used for boners in Japanese cinema. They're like one more piece in an international cinematic puzzle, one that can be mostly filled in with pieces from Michael Bay movies. If we ever fully solve the puzzle, we'll have created a movie so perfect that no 15-year-old boy on earth will be able to resist it. They tried with Sucker Punch, but didn't quite make it. But one day ... one day.

For more from Felix, check out The 4 Movie Beasts Creepier Than Michael Bay's Ninja Turtles and 5 Absurd Exploitation Film Subgenres.

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