Nothing catches a consumer's attention like wanton violence. It's why JC Penny employees are encouraged to get in one screwdriver fight with a customer every 30 minutes. It's also why the video game industry is constantly boxing its products in stupidly awesome pictures of mayhem. In fact, over the years there have been so many super tough video game boxes that I had to design an artificial intelligence just to sort through them all. Its name is the T.oughness R.ating C.omputer, and while I cheered it used its advanced toughness evaluation systems to select the 24 toughest of all time. Pussies may want to look at these with their eyes closed.
Barbarian: The Ultimate Warrior (Amiga, 1987)
Men, if your woman is lucky, you just saved this to your desktop as future_sextape_cover.jpg.
Bad Cat (Amiga, 1987)
Oh, damn. They mean really bad cat. They don't even make vests, headbands, and sunglasses for cats-- Bad Cat had to murder the world's coolest baby in order to get that outfit.
Cho Aniki (WonderSwan, 2000)
Sometimes I see the things Japan does and I'm like, "Why does everyone talk about how weird these people are?" Those two in the back simply got nude and are using dance to express how they can't deal with how awesome this situation is.
Blood 'N Guts: Ancient Barbarian Games (Commodore 64, 1986)
Contra Force (NES, 1992)
The four guys from the Contra Force seems pretty tough, but there's no way any of them lived through this. SMITH is inches from a falling bomb, BEANS is literally standing in an explosion with a tank of napalm on his back, IRON is picking a gunfight with a helicopter, and BURNS is about to fall onto a kitchen knife. And speaking of, who the hell is kitchen knife guy? He's amazing! He's watching an entire air force drop bombs on four idiots and he's charging into it with a kitchen knife! For what? Is his restaurant serving blackened dumbass chunks today? Is he trying to impress a hot coroner? I really wish this game was about him.
Aaargh! (Apple IIgs, 1989)
Dino City (SNES, 1992)
It's all totally rad right now, but as soon as that dinosaur catches a glimpse of himself in a mirror, he is going to bite that little son of a bitch in half. To be honest, I'm not sure how this fruitloopery got on a toughest cover list. Those two are probably listening to the book on tape version of Jane Eyre. What I think happened was some kind of logic error in the T.oughness R.ating C.omputer that put the scoring system into an infinite loop when it detected a kid technically skateboarding on a dinosaur. That's the problem with robots-- any human would have taken one look at Dino City and said, "Is that Tyrannosaurus wearing blowjob safety dentures?"
Ninja Cop (Famicom, 1989)
This might make me sound like a clumsy lover, but this is the first time I've ever seen a ninja cop ejaculate.