24 Questions I Shouldn't Have Asked the Wikileaks Founder
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange stormed out of an interview with CNN this week in which the interviewer began asking questions about Assange's personal life, in particular the sexual assault allegations that have been made against him in Sweden. Assange had evidently tried to set some ground rules before the interview, and upon hearing the line of questions, tore off his microphone and walked out of the studio, having learned a valuable lesson about gullibility.
During our regular editorial meeting at Cracked, we immediately saw a fantastic opportunity in this: to land a major interview and finally get the respect and admiration from the mainstream media that we surely deserve. "If we play this right, I bet Katie Couric will definitely put out for us," I suggested to a room full of enthusiastic nodding. So Cracked got in contact with Assange, and after extracting our spines thoroughly enough, agreed to every interview ground rule he wanted. Here's what happened next:
____________________________
Cracked: Hello Julian, thanks for being here.
Assange: Happy to. I'm looking forward to this.
Cracked: Everyone always says that. Ok, let's get right down to it. So you run this website...
Assange: I actually run it with the help of a talented and dedicated team...
Cracked: ... that offers advice for people who are suffering from adult incontinence. What would you say is your biggest challenge with that? Is it the mockery?
Assange: ...
Cracked: It is the mockery isn't it? It's vandals ruining your laundry tips page with hateful, sophomoric comedy? I'm imagining yellow fonts. That's just awful.
Assange: -the long sigh of someone just discovering Cracked for the first time- The "leaks" in Wikileaks refers to leaked documents. In particular secret government documents which people - insiders within the government - wish to publish anonymously.
Cracked: Oh, I get it now. -flips through notes- Errrrrr. So this is basically about Obama's bed wetting problem then?
Assange: No, you don't understand.
Cracked: No, I do not understand.
Assange: I'll give you an example. Just recently we published a series of previously classified documents which shows statistics the military has been gathering about civilian deaths in Iraq.
Cracked: Iraq? That thing from 2005? Is there still stuff to learn about that?
Assange: There certainly is. One of the many things Wikileaks is capable of, is showing information about Iraq that people have never seen before.
Cracked: That's right! I heard about you guys now. You were the ones that figured out Saddam spelled backwards was Maddas.
Assange: What?
Cracked: That's pretty close to Mad Ass.
Assange: I...
Cracked: Ass. -enunciating clearly and kind of yelling- ASS.
Assange: No.
Cracked: That wasn't you? That sounds like it should be a Wikileak.
Assange: Wikileaks is not a venue for exchanging ancient and terrible jokes for children.
Cracked: It is terrible, isn't it? I don't want us to misrepresent ourselves here. Cracked does not condone that joke at all. As stewards of responsible chuckle-dealing, we simply can't make use of it. But if we were able to tell that joke anonymously, without damaging our reputations, no-one would know that we suck. Isn't that the point of Wikileaks?
Assange: This is nonsense. -starts to remove microphone-
Cracked: Mr. Assange, we have not crossed any of your ground rules. Now calm down. A big part of your role is coordinating Wikileaks efforts with the conventional media, and I know you don't want to get a reputation as a big interview-baby.
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange
Assange: -freezes, fixes interviewer with steely gaze- All right.
Cracked: That's right. You're pooping on the big boy interview-toilet now. High Five. -extends palm upwards-
Assange: This interview cannot go on like this.
Cracked: That's totally fair. Ok, let's talk about your site administration. A big problem with conventional wikis is that anyone can edit them. Because of this, the information on them is often not considered reliable. How have you dealt with that at Wikileaks?
Assange: Yes! I mean, thank you. That was a very intelligent question.
Cracked: Please don't patronize me or my readers.
Assange: I'm sorry. Well, we initially followed a classic wiki setup, but ran into the reliability problems which you described. How it works now, is that we accept submissions anonymously, then have an editorial panel review the content to determine its veracity. If it looks ok, only then do we publish it. Users no longer have the ability to edit submissions.
Cracked: But then is that truly a wiki? It sounds more like... that website... what am I thinking of?
Assange: Yes, I know it sounds like a conventional news gathering organization, but...
Cracked: No! oprah.com! The Oprah website! That site's got editorial-reviewed content submitted by a variety of writers, just like your site. I guess they're more about life improvement and self-realization than Iraq, but otherwise the sites are basically the same.
Assange: I will admit to having not actually visited oprah.com, but can nevertheless assure you that they're completely different sites.
Cracked: Would you say that your ongoing rivalry with oprah.com is the defining feature of Wikileaks?
Assange: No, I would not. Go back to the good questions now please.
Cracked: Of course. -checks notes- Ok, this will be delicate. It strays a little close to one of the ground rules we discussed earlier.
Assange: -through gritted teeth- This interview is to be about Wikileaks only.
Cracked: I understand, and this question is about Wikileaks.
Assange: All right.
Cracked: There have been allegations that Oprah Winfrey has been sexually harassing you. Do you have any comments on how that has affected Wikileaks?
Assange: Who's been alleging that?
Cracked: Some guys. They might work here. Would you say that Oprah's fluctuating weight has put a stress on your relationship? Has that stress impacted Wikileaks?
Assange: -begins removing microphone-
Cracked: Would you say that your inability to get an erection since Dr. Phil left to start his own show, and the resulting problems you developed with explosive involuntary urination was the impetus for starting Wikileaks?
Assange: -storms off, urinating wildly-
________________________
Assange is a traitor and a scoundrel
Reply Hide All See All 3 Repliesfreedom of information and mistrust of our government are the principles that the US was founded on (that and a love of drugs, booze and black chicks)
and guns, don't forget guns.
He can't be a traitor because he isn't American. However he should be tried for espionage and sentenced to death
Is that really 24 questions? It seems more... I only ask because i have no sense of humour and sometimes feel left out in the comments, which seem to be filled with people who understand these articles... But seriously, this article's pooping on the big boy article-toilet now. It's fantastic :D
ReplyReminds me of monty python
ReplyOh yeah, " I'm sitting down with Carl Marx and, now for the questions, what is the nickname for manchester united?"
This is still more believeable than CNN or Fox news.
Replywhy someone can post this article on POZ-Dating[.]Com? is it legal? any answer? you guys don't care? I think it only belongs to CRAcked, Not POZ-Dating[.]C0m or any other fu*king site
ReplyIcwutudidthar. Crafty Jew.
i am gonna....uh-oh i've run outta death threats, READERS OF CRACKED ASSIST ME IN THREATINIG THIS SPAM, TO ME, TO ME
-flips through notes-
Replyprobably the best collections of investigative hard hitting questions that the world of investigative journalism has ever seen.
Hind-sights a funny thing. This article is more entertaining now than it was a few months ago.
ReplyWait.
Reply Hide All See All 7 RepliesDid this actually happen?
Yes. It happened exactly as it is transcribed here. Every. Single. Detail. I should know, I was there, hiding behind a ficus, masturbaring wildly.
THAT WAS YOU!!!!
I too can vouch for its authenticity; I was also there, dressed as a ficus.
I was dressed as a begonia....no one masturbared behind me...
If that's what you think then I've done my job well.
Hi, I'm the wall, and I'd just like to let you guys know, that wasn't nice.
hmm, those are better than mine i was disguised as chris bucholz's chair....again
Assange: No, you don't understand.
ReplyCracked: No, I do not understand.
i choked reading this honesty shown by the journalist!
Brilliant. Whose your dealer?
Reply Hide All See All 9 Replies*Who's
Please learn how to use apostraphes correctly and knowing the difference between words such as they're, their, and there. Thank you.
@JamesRingel
Why belittle somebody for a cheap ego boost? You're pathetic.
GTFO of the internets, cheesy.
Come on nikiyols. Their just having an argument. Whose to say whats right and whats wrong? Weve all just got to learn how were just gonna be able to live together.
This is a pretty classic internet arguement. There's an every so slightly criminal of grammar ignorance, there's a head up own ass douchebag, a righteous 3 syllable word flaunting hero, an internet speak centric idiot, and a bored guy masquerading as an idiot just for kicks.
And me. A guy with f**k all to do.
You forgot about the troll. But seriously... how about those blacks?
@James,
"Please learn how to use APOSTROPHES correctly, and KNOW the difference between words such as they're, their, and there."
Better yet, learn how to use constructive criticism correctly, including knowing the difference between someone who made a minor mistake, and those that are in serious need of help.
@Pescadomalo I like what you did there, somehow intelligent people have no problems discerning the message, though it's purposefully riddled with errors, even without a douche pointing them out! ;)
I wouldn't have laughed so hard at that comment if I didn't read it in Gary Oak's voice.
he has a picture of House as his avatar, what do you expect to come out of his mouth except egotistical self-satisfied manure?
God, that was hilarious. XD Poor Assange...
ReplyAlso, don't listen to incuben, he clearly cannot take the awesomeness that is reading. Also, it would have been REALLY hard to end it the same way.
this would have been funny if it were put on film. reading?..not so much.
Reply Hide All See All 6 RepliesWERDS IS FER SISSIES!!!
Yeah, TOO LONG DID NOT READ. Ooops, I mean 2 LONG, DIDN'T READ. Ooops, I mean TL; DR. Yes. Words are too long, but my eyes never stop eye-ing.
You've been to this site before, yes?
You're comment is too long for me to read, incuben.
Ah, incuben, you must be the quintessence of the American spirit?
HAHA AMERICANS R DUM
Perb investigative jounalism !
ReplyToo bad Sarah Palin is too busy reading all of the other sources,
she belongs here!
Thank you - this was a great article!
ReplyWikileaks would be way cooler if it were about adult incontinence
ReplyCracked: Would you say that your inability to get an erection since Dr. Phil left to start his own show, and the resulting problems you developed with explosive involuntary urination was the impetus for starting Wikileaks?
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesAssange: -storms off, urinating wildly-
So hilarious!
i was fine till urinating wildly came along. this is my kind of humor. i'm lucky i didn't urinate wildly while laughing at this.
Agreed, that final line just made the article.
I almost did. This was my last of 8 catch-up articles and I've been holding it since article 5.
the best article to date
ReplyWhy am I laughing so hard at this. Leaks - leeks. That has to be the dumbest pun ever and I'm pissing myself wildly!
Reply Hide All See All 8 RepliesI was going to point out the spelling difference between the onion-like vegetable and the internet website, because that TOTALLY ruined the humor for me. Chris-please try harder in next week's column.
WTF are you idiots talking about?
All those pictures contain leeks which are a vegetable similar to an onion which is a pun on wikileaks, ominouschris
See, I particularly enjoyed the leeks/leaks joke.
have to admit, I liked it too. My favorite jokes are the subtle ones that never get mentioned. Kind of like, "If you notice this, good for you. You get to laugh"
WOW, someone who doesn't get the concept of puns, but who can still read English. Impressive. *leans in with magnifying glass*
HAHA! I get it now, the picture didn't make sense until i read this comment. Granted, I don't know much about vegetables.
Or internet pornography. Strange...
*Leans in with magnifying glass*
You're quickly becoming one of my favourite writers on Cracked, Chris. Keep it up!
ReplyDon't get it. Why did u mock this guy? I mean...wikileaks is a great thing...we need wikileaks now. or, it seems to me that u are against it. so...u must be pro-manipulation, pro violence. i don't know if wikileaks is manipulating too, but it seems to have a better morality. i'm sorry if u don't understand my message, i don't speak english that often, but i just wanted to tell u that i was deeply dissapointed to read this interview on cracked.
Reply Hide All See All 11 RepliesI don't think it's against Wikileaks. It's probably more about its lame %#@$ founder. It's definitely about the chuckle-dealing though.
It's a f**king joke, on a humour website. Why do people come here to question these things? f**k me
Just because he invented something good and useful doesn't mean he's a good guy. They can be pro-wikileaks while still being anti-Assange.
As Seth McFarlane said, "I did it because it's funny." But I suppose going through life with a sack of congealed oatmeal for a head slows the thinking, so I defer ferdiaC, it's a f**king joke you twat.
I see you are only familiar with the concept of mean-spirited humor. Other kinds of humor are a little trickier, so try to stay with me: Sometimes, intelligent grown-ups make fun of stuff, even if they actually like it.
Protip: this interview never happened, it has been fabricated for comedic purposes
yeah, we totally need wikileaks, because revealing those who've actually decided to help us out in the middle-east will totally go over well with their friends, and encourage others to help out too!
WIKILEAKS IS IMPORTANT:
Wikileaks: "JESUS, THESE THINGS HAPPENED! SOMEONE IN THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD HEAR ABOUT IT!!"
Government: "Yeah, we already knew all this s**t. They're our files."
Wikileaks: "Well... uhh... f**k YOU!"
Hint: This wasn't a political statement. Most political statements do not include statements about adult incontinence.
I think the founder of Wikileaks is the most awesome badass on the internet, yet I found this funny. I think they are just trying to make us laugh. :)
I'd rather not, FerdiaC