Strapped for cash? It happens to the best of us from time to time. We see that one of a kind autographed misprint of Spider-Man where Spider-Man says "fuck" twice and has sex with a jar of peanut butter, and we bid way more than we can afford on eBay, and before we know it we have no money for rent. How can we make ends meet in a hurry? Turn to your body's massive stockpile of natural resources. Turns out we're all walking cash cows, and the more you can live without, the more money you can make. And technically the more you can't live without, you stand to make yet more money. But you'd be dead. So maybe ease up on that.
#11. Sperm: $1,000 Per Month
For those of us that produce sperm, generally being males and other betesticled types, you have a tiny, wrinkly satchel of gold stuck to your sweaty inner thigh as we speak. Your swimmers can earn a tidy sum assuming you meet sperm bank standards and have it in you to continually jack off into cups for the benefit of strangers. To start making cash you need to be super heathy, don't do drugs, be in good shape, probably be taller than average, have the ability to wank into a cup and fill it more than the average man could, be educated, and ideally you'll want to not be anonymous, since you'll make more money if you're willing to include your bio for potential new parents. But if you're Dr. Bradley Cooper, PhD, you're set. Each cup can earn you up to $200, depending on where you live. Stay hydrated!
#10. Eggs: $5,000 To $10,000
In an attempt to ameliorate the sexist pay gap, women have won the reproductive lottery when it comes to street value. While man jizz flows like so much pearlescent water down gutters, sometimes literally if you live in a bad neighborhood, a woman's eggs are like precious jewels. This is due in no small part to their relative rarity when compared to sperm and the fact the little shits are so hard to get out. Do you know where ladies keep these things? In falcon tubes or some such, way up in their tender flower. So to remove them, some kind of surgical melon baller is required, and that brings with it a bigger payday. Plus women make fewer eggs than men make sperm, which also gives them premium pay of at least $5,000.
#9. Hair: $529
Hair is, relatively speaking, gross. If you don't agree, go pull some from a stranger's shower drain. However, to the right person under the right circumstances (which is to say not from a shower drain) your hair can be worth a pretty penny. Many pennies, even. If you have a foot of hair to spare and it's in good health it can be worth over $500 to wigmakers.
Several years back, hair was at a premium and could fetch thousands of dollars. Now, however, the market is oddly more saturated than you'd think, and if you Google it you'll happen upon no less than a dozen sites willing to buy your hair right now. So the golden age of hair selling may be past, but $500 isn't anything to sneeze at, and, at the rate of normal human hair growth, you could maybe get that much to sell again in 18 months or so. It's not a retirement plan, but it could sure buy a lot of chicken wings.
#8. Blood: $30 Per Pint
There's a figure you'll see a lot if you start searching for this info that says your blood is worth about $337 a pint. That's not true, at least not in terms of what it's worth to you. Is that what the Red Cross makes from the average pint? Maybe. They sell to hospitals and other places that need blood. Most people, you'll notice, donate blood for free. But there are plasma centers across America that pay you for your blood plasma. Thing is, it's a lot less than $337 a pint. More like $30 a pint, but this depends on where you go and whatever demand they have, of course. Some places may pay as high as $50. Some let you donate several times a week, some only two times. But at twice a week for $30, that's $3,120 a year. Not bad for stuff that just oozes out of you when someone pokes you with rusty springs.
#7. Breast Milk: $1 To $5 Per Ounce
Hey, back to you ladies and that one dude I met on a Greyhound. As luck would have it, people love milk and aren't super picky about what teat it dribbles from. Some people want it for their babies because they can't produce it on their own, but then some people just want it. You know, for decorative reasons or to masturbate. I don't know; I didn't ask. I just know there are sites you can sign up for to turn your boobs into a low output cash factory right now! Convince yourself it's noble and you're feeding starving babies the nutrients they need to grow strong or just shrug and accept some bodybuilder is drinking it because he thinks it'll make him more ripped than steroids will.
#6. Urine: $100 Per 4 Ounces
This seems unfair to breast milk, but it looks like a clean 4-ounce shot of pee will net you upwards of $100 online. How does that work? Thank your junkie friends who want to save their jobs for creating a pretty stable market for clean urine. Your junkie friend goes online with his rheumy eyes and shaky hands and looks up a site that sells pee, then steals a credit card from his parents to order a fresh batch of yellow gold! Then your clean, illustrious pee is rush delivered on dry ice or some such to the tweaker's hovel, where he will remove the bag and probably fill some kind of realistic rubber cock with it that he can flop out in front of a company drug screener and use to piss in a cup. His job is saved for another year as he wastes his pay on meth and you just scored yourself a fun night out!