10 Stories About Donald Trump You Won't Believe Are True

Donald Trump is the most public asshole since Goatse and has done even more degrading things for fame. He's aligned himself with Birthers and turned the Presidency of the United States into an ad for reality TV, and that's just so far this year. The terrifying thing is that Trump is winning. He's made such a joke of himself in the process that it's easy to miss the immense balls required to do what he does in public, and get away with it. At a certain point, you have to take a step back and marvel at the rap-sheet of dick-headed insanity he's managed to put together.

Building Flying Golden Toilets (On Bad Credit)

In 1988 Eastern Air Lines routes were about as profitable as Indian buffalo hunting grounds, and dying out faster. Trump's cunning plan was to buy them and make them more expensive. He justified the increased fares with the sort of pointless bling typically reserved for silver-plated watermelons. The Trump Shuttles featured maple wood veneer floors, chrome seat belt latches, and gold-plated toilet fittings so that the passengers could know how it felt to value money as much as Trump does.

His idea of the Mile High Club is to screw investors up there

The purchase was financed by a $380 million loan from 22 banks and not one of them ever saw a cent. As we'll soon find out, Trump has knocked over more banks than the Joker, who at least leaves once he's taken the money. Trump tends not to be satisfied with ruining mere days. For instance, after he defaulted on the loans the banks were forced to repossess the airline's assets, which it turns out were worth approximately as much as the Hindenburg's spare gas tank. They couldn't sell them, they couldn't use them, and they had to negotiate a settlement to force the company to even try to turn a profit. Since then it's been repeatedly re-merged with other divisions in the world's only financial application of homeopathy. They seem to be attempting to dilute it with enough other companies that Trump's presence will stop mattering quite as much.

Telling People They're Lucky (That He Didn't Rip Them Off Harder)

Trump Ocean Resort Baja: those four words contain the entirety of Trump's contribution to the project. None of this stopped the Trumps (multiple, him and his and daughter Ivanka) from pushing the Mexican resort like the Lost City of Gold. The project collected 32 million dollars from investors, and then promptly sent them a letter saying that loan negotiations had collapsed. It also informed them that the buildings that were supposed to be built with the money didn't exist, then closed by quoting the part of the contract that said the company was allowed to spend the deposits anyway. Mission accomplished, Trump removed his name from the project the next month. He then told interviewers that investors were "lucky" because they'd have lost even more money if anything had been built.

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Customers give us money for goods. "Customers" just give us the money.

How? Would the laborers have stolen bricks from their houses to build the resort? Rather than asking such questions, several victims sued Trump and developer Irongate to recover their $32 million, and his response was to sue Irongate as well - for $40 million. This is a man who charges eight million dollars for even being reminded that he screwed people over. Unfortunately, Irongate were bankrupt before either suit started.

Suing People For Saying He's Rich

New York Times author Timothy O'Brien wrote that Trump "only" had 250 million dollars, so Trump sued him for five billion. Suing a writer for five billion dollars takes more piss out the legal system than the Supreme Court's plumbing.

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He also objected to legal documents from Deutsche bank valuing him at three quarters of a billion, and argued with Forbes magazine when they valued him at three billion. He pits his own delusions against every legal and financial fact available, but in his defense that is his only job skill. We're not sure how insecure in your manhood you have to be to argue with ten-digit wealth, but we're guessing Trump's penis is a socket.

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Trump distracted by the phallic microphone, imagining the joys of such (or any) size.

In March 1990 he threatened to sue a stock brokerage over an analyst who said the Taj Mahal casino hotel wouldn't work out. The company proceeded to fire the broker and deny being influenced by Trump. Within a year the analyst was proven right and got three quarters of a million from the brokerage (and an undisclosed sum from Trump), making him the only person the casino made money for. As of 2011 Forbes values Trump at 200 million, while Trump claims fifteen times that much. We're not going to take sides since we'd rather not be sued, so we'll just point out that Forbes has not filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy four times.

Managing to Turn the 9/11 Mosque Debate Into Even More of a Circus

The Ground Zero mosque debate mocked every single word in that phrase: it wasn't at ground zero, it wasn't a mosque, and if it was a debate then shit-flinging monkeys are trade envoys. CNN, Fox, and thousands of Americans spent the middle of 2010 whipping each other into a racist lather, and Trump offered to pay 7.5 million dollars for the oppurtunity to appear on TV shouting "ME TOO!" There were so many insanities in his offer that he had to mix lithium into the printer ink to stop it from becoming pictures of screaming bat-children.

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In the written offer to the owners of the property, Trump stated that he respected freedom of religion so much that he was prepared to pay 7.5 million dollars to prevent a community center with a prayer room from being built on their property. It also stipulated that the mosque should be built "at least five blocks further from the World Trade Center site," essentially asking the owners of the property to magically force-field other sellers hundreds of meters away. Apparently the zoning radius of insane racism is between 2 and 7 blocks. It's probably safe to assume Trump knows the exact radius of stupidity because he has to buy belts. The landowner replied via lawyer to say he found the offer both laughable and insulting, to which Trump replied, "Classic Trump!"

Personally Owing Almost A Billion Dollars.

In the early 90s, Trump found himself the owner of a personal debt of $900 million. That's not the companies he owns. At the time, his companies were in $3.5 billion of corporate debt. No, he himself owed almost a billion dollars personally after somehow convincing the world he was worth more than NASA's 30-year Voyager missions to Jupiter, Saturn, Neptune and Uranus.

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Though he also qualifies as a gas giant.

You could offer to buy everyone in the United States a drink and not owe as much money as he did. He could have personally cancelled out the Seychelles' economy by moving there.

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En route to the Reel Jeenyusses Conference

While sane men with jobs can't borrow a few grand, a man who's filed more 11's than a fantasy soccer manager was allowed to spend the lifetime income of over five hundred of them before anyone noticed he didn't actually have it. The corporate debts equal the entire education budget of two states, meaning society would actually have seen the exact same fiscal return if they'd invested the money in educating millions of children. And people still lend him money today. Enjoy that thought as you chew dry macaroni to pay off your student loans.

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Luke McKinney

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