If last week's column taught me anything, it's that no one is reading this. So, without further ado, here is the sequel to last week's column. Enjoy it.
#10. Ace of Base -- "Cruel Summer"
With a band like Ace of Base, it's tempting to just list one of their shit-pop radio staples like "The Sign" or "All That She Wants" as their best song ever and call it good. But here's the problem -- if those are the only songs anyone knows and Ace of Base is routinely spotted on lists of awful bands, doesn't that by default make the songs that got them there also kind of awful?
It sure does. To call sifting through the rubble that is the back catalog of Ace of Base "grueling" would be a massive understatement (except to people with real jobs). I did it, though, and here's what I came up with:
Granted, that's still a horrible song, but at least it's a cover of a relatively decent song:
Again, this is a really shitty version of that relatively decent song, but still, at least it's built upon a foundation of good.
#9. Justin Bieber -- "Somebody to Love"
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Me and the Biebs go way back on Cracked, starting in 2010, when I wrote this fantastic article about living five days undercover as a Justin Bieber fan. Since then, I've written about him for various reasons, my favorite being that he and his ex-girlfriend look exactly alike.
How do you decide which one to jerk off to first?
So I'm plenty familiar with his horrible music, and to me, one song in particular stands out as the undisputed best. This one:
You know how Prince gave away "Nothing Compares 2 U" and then got all bitter when someone else made it a massive hit instead of him? I think that might be the case with this song as well. It was originally recorded for Usher's sixth album, but when that project got delayed, the song ended up on Team Bieber.
Usher must have realized the mistake pretty quickly because, as released on Justin Bieber's album, "Somebody to Love" only features Usher on background vocals. By the time the video came out (which you can see above), Usher had promoted himself from background vocalist to featured guest. A shrewd move, considering the video is currently sitting at over 260 million views.
He wasn't done reclaiming his song, though. On Usher's seventh album, you'll find a re-recorded version, this time with him in the starring role and Justin Bieber as the featured guest:
In short, Usher did not let "Somebody to Love" go quietly. All of that evidence leads me to believe that, without a doubt, this is Justin Bieber's best song. I really don't know any other way to determine it. They all sound terrible to me.
#8. One Direction -- "Best Song Ever"
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I'm a big fan of audacity, both as a trait and as a free audio mixing program.
It's the only one I can afford.
It's the former (that means the first!) of those two that I want to talk about here, though, because there's a whole lot of it present in this video:
Is the music any good? Of course not! But you have to admire the moxie of a young band that not only feels important enough to make people wait through a four-minute Les Grossman skit just to get to their terrible song ...
The way to a tween's heart is through a Tropic Thunder reference.
... but also has the balls to call that terrible song "Best Song Ever." I may not enjoy the music, but damn if you shouldn't appreciate their misplaced confidence. It will serve them well when they're working the sales floor at an upscale retail outlet someday.
#7. Britney Spears -- "Toxic"
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Well, this one is easy. While I'll admit that she's lacking a few qualities that normally make a performer great, like discernible musical ability, for example, I still don't entirely hate the songs of Britney Spears. In fact, I mentioned my choice here ("Toxic") in another recent column, where I state that I do indeed think this is a good song.
Here's hoping every choice is this easy going forward!
#6. Insane Clown Posse -- "Leck Mich Im Arsch"
Carlo Allegri/Getty Images Entertainment/Getty Images
Looks like they won't be! If I'm being completely honest, before I started writing this I'd listened to maybe two ICP songs in my entire life, and I couldn't tell you the name of either of them (I think one was an educational thing about how magnets work). As luck would have it, I didn't really need to, because while researching their catalog of timeless hits, I remembered that this happened once:
That's Insane Clown Posse covering Mozart with Jack White.
I don't care if it's an awful song (it is), just being able to type the sentence before this one made listening to it worth all the torment.