Video game Easter eggs exist to give the devoted a secret thrill. You spend a few minutes jumping on invisible platforms and you find a note from the developers joking about how you're wasting your life. That sort of thing. But some programmers didn't get the memo about how they were hiding "cute little bonuses," and instead mistakenly believed that they alone were the sole protectors of the Ark of the friggin' Covenant. That's the only way to explain these impossibly obscure Easter eggs ...
5Battlefield 4 Has You Manipulate Sounds With Editing Software For A Uniform
The Battlefield series is the Rolls Royce to Call Of Duty's lifted pickup truck (complete with TruckNutz). But still, it's a shooter at heart, and those aren't always known for their cerebral puzzles. Yet Battlefield 4 has what might be the most elaborate Easter egg puzzle in the history of gaming, and the prize for solving it is a snazzy new suit for your character -- even if, by all rights, it should be a key to the goddamn White House.
In the Dragon Valley stage, you find a lantern next to a pillar with a skull printed on it. Stand next to it long enough, and the lantern will start flickering. Eventually, some fan with nothing more important happening in their life realized that the lantern was flickering in Morse code, and they deciphered a message ... in Belarusian. That's already a ridiculous amount of encryption for some video game clothes, but it's not over. After a quick trip to Google Translate, it turned out that the message was just telling players that a puzzle existed.
"Y-O-U A-R-E W-A-S-T-I-N-G Y-O-U-R T-I-M-E"
Elsewhere on the map, there's a temple with 20 lanterns in the ceiling, which turn on or off in a random order when you throw any one of seven tiny switches hidden in the level. These switches, by the way, are so small that they're difficult to spot, and very well-hidden -- one of them is inside a tree that can only be accessed by helicopter, after blowing up the tree with explosives.
That's not the only thing about this that blows.
The goal is to light up all of the lanterns. So after you've completed this grueling task, the puzzle is solved, right? Ha! We haven't even hit the halfway point yet. Lighting all the lanterns enables a keypad on the back of one of the pillars behind the original lantern, and pressing one of these buttons makes the lantern blink out another Morse code message, which instructs you in more extremely cryptic language to head to a different map and crouch behind a rock, as well as some crazy instructions about multiplying words together.
Find the rock and crouch by it, and you'll hear a low-pitched sound effect. To proceed further, you need to be savvy enough to record the sound and paste it into some goddamn sound editing software, slowing it down and adjusting the pitch until you hear song lyrics. If the Germans encrypted their messages this well, we'd still be fighting World War II.
"Sarge, we need cover fire!"
"Be right there. I just gotta open Pro Tools for a second."
Next, you have to figure out that the cryptic clue from earlier was prompting you to assign an alphanumerical value to the letters of these lyrics and do a complex math equation. Working this out will give you a code, which you can punch into the keypad from earlier, and then the lantern will give you another Morse code message that tells you how to visit yet another map and claim your prize.
That prize is a new outfit for your character that is otherwise only available to employees of the developer, DICE LA.
Even getting a real one mailed to you wouldn't have made this worth it.
So you can do all that, or you can simply get a job at DICE, which is probably much less difficult and time-consuming.
4Halo 3 Makes You Literally Jump Through Hoops To Unlock Crazy Dialogue
Collecting human skulls in Halo 3 lets you customize certain elements of the game, like disabling checkpoints, changing the enemies' AI, or really freaking out your neighbors with your weirdo hobby. And the most well-hidden skull unlocks the most important feature: making all the characters spew witty dialogue like you're in a Joss Whedon movie.
It's called the "IWHBYD skull," which stands for "I would have been your daddy (but a dog beat me over the fence)." That's the kind of trash talk you can expect from every other scene in the game after you unlock it. But sick burns do not come easy: The skull is found at the end of Mission 7, which is by far the longest level in the game, and you're not allowed to cheat by starting the mission partway through or on easy difficulty. At the end of the level, you arrive in a corridor with holograms of the game's titular halos. After an action sequence, everyone in the room suddenly tries to kill the shit out of you, and the story compels you to retreat from the corridor.
But you shouldn't do that. Instead, you're supposed to jump through those halos like a trained poodle, but not in just any order. Each halo plays a musical note when you leap through it, and your goal is to memorize the sound that each ring makes so that eventually you can jump through them in the correct order to recreate the Halo theme song.
Should you accomplish this, the IWHBYD Skull appears at the end of the hallway, and your reward is that the game is now packed full of wacky dialogue, like aliens promising to "be the bottom" if you spare their life.
It's like the most desperate Grindr profile bio ever created.