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If you were Scrooge McDuck-wealthy, you could custom order a badass danger guitar, or build the foundation for your very own A Boy and his Dog underground creep-topia. But you have wisely downgraded your expectations to a reasonable level and are frothing over "Rugrats" and "Hey Dude" coming back on the TV.

Do you want to play a guitar that feels like it might explode at any second? Try out the Pikasso Guitar! No other instrument combines joy and suspense as well as it does.

"The Pikasso has four necks and 42 strings, the tension of which puts the instrument under about as much pressure as a deep sea diver."

"Blowing smoke up his ass" wasn't just something you figuratively did to the boss. And you might want to sit down for this - but the original medical application wasn't particularly successful.

"We here at Cracked like to dredge up the past to remind you that no matter how hard you wish you lived in a previous time period, you're simply mistaken (or crazy)."

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Yeah, sure they were dealing with the tail end of the Plague. But that's no reason to give those unsophisticated dopes space plants!

"As you're about to find out, some discoveries are less Holy Grail and more Necronomicon."

You can only push a blockhead so far.

"Cartoon characters are already pretty questionable in the sanity department -- it's no surprise that a lot of them would lose it eventually."

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That 4-year-old southpaw in Okemah, OK will have a crap enough time of it without his teacher calling him "evil." Left-handers usually have shorter lifespans and have a greater chance of becoming schizophrenics.

"Studies have shown that the number of left-handers who make it to old age is drastically lower than the number of their right-handed peers. In short, lefties tend to check out earlier. Why? Well, for one, lefties just have more accidents. Lots more accidents."

Fear the Gelatinous Cube, a monster that you can defeat by...stepping to the side.

"Unless an encounter plays out exactly like the steamroller scene in Austin Powers, we fail to see how the Gelatinous Cube ever kills anybody who's not either glued to the floor or fast asleep."

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"There's a protocol we follow when we're trying to save someone's life...Knowing that protocol is how you get certified to do it. And the protocol includes precisely zero steps that involve shouting or running around with your arms flailing about like a panicked Muppet."

"CPR certification courses distribute a list of songs that provide the correct beat for performing chest compressions. Said playlist includes (perhaps appropriately) 'Stayin' Alive' and (perhaps less appropriately) 'SexyBack.'"

What's the point of surviving the apocalypse if you can't have a pulled pork pool party?

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"The first trillion is always the hardest." -- Scrooge McDuck

"One of the things that ropes us into our favorite movie universes is the careful detail the creators put into them."

Start your Benjamin Buttons!

"The news is like a shrill fire alarm that screams 24 hours a day, because really there's always something on fire somewhere."

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