15 Retarded Dungeons and Dragons Monsters
Not all of us have had the pleasure sitting down with a bag of oddly-shaped dice and playing Dungeons & Dragons, and the ones who have tend not to admit it.
And that's too bad, because within the rich, expansive universe detailed in D&D manuals is a vast array of wondrous creatures. Many of which are laugh-out-loud retarded.
Such as...
#15.
The Roving Mauler
What is it?
The visual approximation of Mufasa infected by The Thing.
Where it Went Wrong:
Besides looking like something Sebastian Bach would airbrush onto the side of a monster truck, the roving mauler is little more than a biological liability. Does his head stay still while the rest of his body goes pinwheeling around the desert? What's to keep his neck from snapping? If his head goes spinning around with the rest of his body, how the fuck does he see where he's going with the horizon whirling around his field of vision like a kaleidoscope?
And where is his lion dick during all this? We're assuming it's between one of those pairs of legs, so given the options, he's either going to have a dick-chin-beard, a dick-earring or a dick-devilock. And that's just awkward.
#14.
The Gelatinous Cube
What is it?
The Gelatinous Cube is an enormous block of ooze that roams through the perfectly square hallways of D&D, devouring anyone foolish enough to walk directly into it.
Where it Went Wrong:
Unless an encounter plays out exactly like the steamroller scene in Austin Powers, we fail to see how the Gelatinous Cube ever kills anybody who's not either glued to the floor or fast asleep. In fact, we're pretty sure the Dungeon Master's Guide reads: The first player to ask "Can't I just get out of the way?" automatically defeats the Gelatinous Cube.
#13.
The Knell Beetle
What is it?
The Knell Beetle is a nine-foot long flesh-eating insect with a giant trumpet on its head that kind of makes it look like Snidely Whiplash.
Where it Went Wrong:
Clearly this is an example of miscommunication between the writers and the art department.
"You know what would really fuck shit up? If the Knell Beetle had a huge horn on its head."
"Huge horn, got it."
#12.
The Senmurv
What is it?
The Senmurv is a wolf/eagle hybrid invented, without question, by someone with a dreamcatcher hanging from the rear-view mirror of their pickup truck. Each successful attack deals 1d6 of freedom.
Where it Went Wrong:
The Senmurv is what Toby Keith becomes every full moon, and as such it fails to impress us on every conceivable level. The only thing more ridiculous than picturing this beast clawing feebly through the sky like a Technicolor ValueJet, is imagining it trying to stand upright on two hind legs never meant for the task.
Actually, more ridiculous still is imagining this beast's conception, which apparently involved a wolf, a giant tropical bird and painful screeches from within a cloud of neon feathers.
#11.
The Demi-Lich
What is it?
The Demi-lich is a soul-eating floating skull that bides its time on a galleon full of treasure waiting for the Goonies to show up.
Where it Went Wrong:
Besides looking like a Pirates of the Caribbean alarm clock, the Demi-lich seems to possess no tactical advantages of any kind. It just kind of floats around, waiting for a party of heroes to smack it out of the air like a pinata.
We suppose it could try to bite you, but the illustration above kind of makes it look like the jaw is fused in place. Man, now we just feel sorry for it.
#10.
The Brain-in-a-Jar
What is it?
As its name suggests, the Brain-in-a-Jar is a brain in a jar. This is a compromise of its original name, "Brain-in-a-Gnarly-H.R.-Giger-Phallus."
Where it Went Wrong:
...It's a brain in a jar. Fuck, just kick it over, who's going to know?
#9.
The Digester
What is it?
The Digester is a man-sized creature that sprays its digestive juices onto its victims like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, or the lunch crowd at the Golden Corral.
Where it Went Wrong:
We admit, spitting acid into someone's face is pretty brutal. However, the Digester seems to be in desperate need of a head, and one or two arms. So if that initial blast of bulimic rage goes wide it's probably screwed.
Those talons look nasty but, once more, with nothing but two hind legs to support it, the thing is going to go toppling over with the first kick, hilariously sending gastric acid raining down its own torso.
#8.
Moon Rats
What is it?
Moon rats gain fierce intelligence as the moon becomes full, for reasons that are not adequately explained.
Where it Went Wrong:
Rats that become super-smart under the full moon are only useful as villains on Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers. Sure, they may hatch an ingenious plan to conquer the entire city while sitting around smoking cigars and drinking scotch, but once the sun comes up they're back to eating diapers out of the garbage. Freeze frame and roll credits.
I think he was more talking about the visual design than the actual stats.
ReplyHe didn't make fun of any D&D nerds, and even if he did not very much, calm your jets.
Eh. All of these, used well, can make pretty good monsters. I've had some enjoyable encounters with at least half of these.
ReplyI was successfully trolled. Good job, Cracked.
ReplyAtropals are actually absurdly powerful.
ReplyThis has given me so many new ideas for my next campaign. Atropals and grells all over the place. When trolling your players, troll responsibly.
ReplyAlso - I love the gelatinous cube but understand it really isn't a threat. More like a nice sight that could possibly kill you if you were an idiot. Like the grand canyon.
If I recall correctly, the gelatinous cube is near-invisible, at least to low level characters. One could very easily walk right into it.
The Atropal and the Demilich are freaking terrifying. I want to DM a game with the author guy so I can enjoy his face when I say "The ridiculous looking undead creature eats your soul, reanimates your corpse and has it remove it's own genitals and offer them to it as a sign of fealty."
ReplyThat said, there are ridiculous monsters in D&D. If the author had actually tried they could have made a list that would have had both D&D nerds and non-nerds going "Yeah, they are just ludicrous, the writers must have been on drugs", but instead he went for the "lets make fun off the D&D nerds for taking stuff like this seriously" route instead. Too bad.
Not to be a douche, but this list kind of sucks, and being a D&D fan, I feel the need to complain. Now, there are TONS of hilariously bad D&D creatures, like the Flumph or the Etherial Filcher, so a "Retarded D&D Monsters" list should be awesome, but it's clear that the author isn't a D&D aficionado and probably skimmed D&D wiki for silly illustrations. Many of the DND monsters that look helpless in the illustrations are jacked up with magic or psionic abilities to balance it out, and most of the crazy-looking ones were inspired by actual mythological creatures--the Hippocampus is straight out of Greek mythology. For a good list, try reading through the early Fiend Folio, which was famous for having admittedly bizarre creatures.
ReplyThe Senmurv is just following the Rule of Cool though.
ReplyDemilich? Retarded?
ReplyI think brain in a jar is the most retarded. Otherwise, nice job =)
ReplyThese kill your PCs cause you underestimated them and so you went whiny?
ReplyThe Atropal is one of the most frightening things out there in the D&D universe, it's "Epic" level stuff and even the sub-creature, the "Atropal Scion" is deadly stuff. An awakening/freed one is an event just short of unleashing Tharizdum or Vecna's near rise to ascendancy.
I just looked up those atropals, and without the picture they have damn scary stats. Their challenge rating is 30. For anyone who hasn't played, if someone leveled up only one class level 30 would be the max they could go (although in fairness most people don't level up only one class).
ReplyI lol'd at the Demi Lich part, it's such an obvious attempt at trolling D&D players.
Reply"You know what would really f**k s**t up? If the Knell Beetle had a huge horn on its head."
Reply"Huge horn, got it."
Literally ROFLd.
Lawl at other D&D players nerd-raging at the article.
ReplyI thought it was hilarious, and I've had to deal with over half of the monsters on this list.
Actually the Demilich can wipe out a whole party easily...way too easily alot of the time. When it starts the fight it lets out a scream that will kill anyone that doesn't save against it..and those funky dark teeth, those are gems that it can use to suck out your soul. One of these caused a number of deaths in a group I DMed for when they ran into it...luckily they did beat it and manage to get everybody resurrected.
Reply#15 reminds me of Buer.
ReplyIt's... directly modeled on Buer. Yay for Goetic Demons?
... a Demi-lich killed (read as: devoured the immortal soul of) one of my favorite characters years ago. She was awesome. D:
ReplyYou feel SORRY for it? Because it looks like the murder machine's jaws are fuzed together and it doesn't have a penis? NORMAL liches don't have a penis! Neither do women! Like my character that one of those fuckers snacked on.
Ha ha, my Grim reaper/Death Knight soloed a Demi-lich after the entire party wiped... I miss playing my Death Knight, he would constantly murder party members for being dishonorable.
Goddamncommando, this is probably why you have trouble finding groups to play with.
Yeah, let's see YOU get out of the way of something that takes up the width of the completely straight hallway.
ReplyAnd assuming the gelatinous cube didn't trap you in a dead end, you just know that if you run, you'll meet more monsters that you can't run from, and the cube will catch up, so now you have to fight both of them.
I would just chuck those creatures into the cube behind me. Sure, all that food will just give it more mass, BUT WE WILL CROSS THAT BRIDGE WHEN WE COME TO IT OKAY? Or at the very least send it tumbling over the edge.
FYI Article writer missed the one place it's most threatening. In a maze that is entirely MONOCHROME
dear sweet f*****g jesus Ultima I man, just Ultima I
Also if that thing got near you couldn't you just slice it into small cubes and use it as a weapon?
Why would Sebastian Bach (by the way, really? We're calling historical figures by their middle names now? What would Delano Roosevelt say?) airbrush this on his vehicle? I understand it's a joke, I just don't understand what an 18th century composer has to do with weird lions.
ReplySebastian Bach (born April 3, 1968) is a Canadian heavy metal singer, best known as ex-frontman of Skid Row.
That took me all of 5 seconds on Google.