15 Retarded Dungeons and Dragons Monsters

Not all of us have had the pleasure sitting down with a bag of oddly-shaped dice and playing Dungeons & Dragons, and the ones who have tend not to admit it.

And that's too bad, because within the rich, expansive universe detailed in D&D manuals is a vast array of wondrous creatures. Many of which are laugh-out-loud retarded.

Such as...

What is it?

The visual approximation of Mufasa infected by The Thing.

Where it Went Wrong:

Besides looking like something Sebastian Bach would airbrush onto the side of a monster truck, the roving mauler is little more than a biological liability. Does his head stay still while the rest of his body goes pinwheeling around the desert? What's to keep his neck from snapping? If his head goes spinning around with the rest of his body, how the fuck does he see where he's going with the horizon whirling around his field of vision like a kaleidoscope?

And where is his lion dick during all this? We're assuming it's between one of those pairs of legs, so given the options, he's either going to have a dick-chin-beard, a dick-earring or a dick-devilock. And that's just awkward.

What is it?

The Gelatinous Cube is an enormous block of ooze that roams through the perfectly square hallways of D&D, devouring anyone foolish enough to walk directly into it.

Where it Went Wrong:

Unless an encounter plays out exactly like the steamroller scene in Austin Powers, we fail to see how the Gelatinous Cube ever kills anybody who's not either glued to the floor or fast asleep. In fact, we're pretty sure the Dungeon Master's Guide reads: The first player to ask "Can't I just get out of the way?" automatically defeats the Gelatinous Cube.

What is it?

The Knell Beetle is a nine-foot long flesh-eating insect with a giant trumpet on its head that kind of makes it look like Snidely Whiplash.

Where it Went Wrong:

Clearly this is an example of miscommunication between the writers and the art department.

"You know what would really fuck shit up? If the Knell Beetle had a huge horn on its head."

"Huge horn, got it."

What is it?

The Senmurv is a wolf/eagle hybrid invented, without question, by someone with a dreamcatcher hanging from the rear-view mirror of their pickup truck. Each successful attack deals 1d6 of freedom.

Where it Went Wrong:

The Senmurv is what Toby Keith becomes every full moon, and as such it fails to impress us on every conceivable level. The only thing more ridiculous than picturing this beast clawing feebly through the sky like a Technicolor ValueJet, is imagining it trying to stand upright on two hind legs never meant for the task.

Actually, more ridiculous still is imagining this beast's conception, which apparently involved a wolf, a giant tropical bird and painful screeches from within a cloud of neon feathers.

What is it?

The Demi-lich is a soul-eating floating skull that bides its time on a galleon full of treasure waiting for the Goonies to show up.

Where it Went Wrong:

Besides looking like a Pirates of the Caribbean alarm clock, the Demi-lich seems to possess no tactical advantages of any kind. It just kind of floats around, waiting for a party of heroes to smack it out of the air like a pinata.

We suppose it could try to bite you, but the illustration above kind of makes it look like the jaw is fused in place. Man, now we just feel sorry for it.

What is it?

As its name suggests, the Brain-in-a-Jar is a brain in a jar. This is a compromise of its original name, "Brain-in-a-Gnarly-H.R.-Giger-Phallus."

Where it Went Wrong:

...It's a brain in a jar. Fuck, just kick it over, who's going to know?

What is it?

The Digester is a man-sized creature that sprays its digestive juices onto its victims like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, or the lunch crowd at the Golden Corral.

Where it Went Wrong:

We admit, spitting acid into someone's face is pretty brutal. However, the Digester seems to be in desperate need of a head, and one or two arms. So if that initial blast of bulimic rage goes wide it's probably screwed.

Those talons look nasty but, once more, with nothing but two hind legs to support it, the thing is going to go toppling over with the first kick, hilariously sending gastric acid raining down its own torso.

What is it?

Moon rats gain fierce intelligence as the moon becomes full, for reasons that are not adequately explained.

Where it Went Wrong:

Rats that become super-smart under the full moon are only useful as villains on Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers. Sure, they may hatch an ingenious plan to conquer the entire city while sitting around smoking cigars and drinking scotch, but once the sun comes up they're back to eating diapers out of the garbage. Freeze frame and roll credits.