15 Retarded Dungeons and Dragons Monsters
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Not all of us have had the pleasure sitting down with a bag of oddly-shaped dice and playing Dungeons & Dragons, and the ones who have tend not to admit it. And that's too bad, because within the rich, expansive universe detailed in D&D manuals is a vast array of wondrous creatures. Many of which are laugh-out-loud retarded. Such as... #15.
The Roving Mauler
What is it? The visual approximation of Mufasa infected by The Thing. Where it Went Wrong: Besides looking like something Sebastian Bach would airbrush onto the side of a monster truck, the roving mauler is little more than a biological liability. Does his head stay still while the rest of his body goes pinwheeling around the desert? What's to keep his neck from snapping? If his head goes spinning around with the rest of his body, how the fuck does he see where he's going with the horizon whirling around his field of vision like a kaleidoscope? And where is his lion dick during all this? We're assuming it's between one of those pairs of legs, so given the options, he's either going to have a dick-chin-beard, a dick-earring or a dick-devilock. And that's just awkward. #14.
The Gelatinous Cube
What is it? The Gelatinous Cube is an enormous block of ooze that roams through the perfectly square hallways of D&D, devouring anyone foolish enough to walk directly into it. Where it Went Wrong: Unless an encounter plays out exactly like the steamroller scene in Austin Powers, we fail to see how the Gelatinous Cube ever kills anybody who's not either glued to the floor or fast asleep. In fact, we're pretty sure the Dungeon Master's Guide reads: The first player to ask "Can't I just get out of the way?" automatically defeats the Gelatinous Cube. #13.
The Knell Beetle
What is it? The Knell Beetle is a nine-foot long flesh-eating insect with a giant trumpet on its head that kind of makes it look like Snidely Whiplash. Where it Went Wrong: Clearly this is an example of miscommunication between the writers and the art department. "You know what would really fuck shit up? If the Knell Beetle had a huge horn on its head." "Huge horn, got it." #12.
The Senmurv
What is it? The Senmurv is a wolf/eagle hybrid invented, without question, by someone with a dreamcatcher hanging from the rear-view mirror of their pickup truck. Each successful attack deals 1d6 of freedom. Where it Went Wrong: The Senmurv is what Toby Keith becomes every full moon, and as such it fails to impress us on every conceivable level. The only thing more ridiculous than picturing this beast clawing feebly through the sky like a Technicolor ValueJet, is imagining it trying to stand upright on two hind legs never meant for the task. Actually, more ridiculous still is imagining this beast's conception, which apparently involved a wolf, a giant tropical bird and painful screeches from within a cloud of neon feathers. #11.
The Demi-Lich
What is it? The Demi-lich is a soul-eating floating skull that bides its time on a galleon full of treasure waiting for the Goonies to show up. Where it Went Wrong: Besides looking like a Pirates of the Caribbean alarm clock, the Demi-lich seems to possess no tactical advantages of any kind. It just kind of floats around, waiting for a party of heroes to smack it out of the air like a pinata. We suppose it could try to bite you, but the illustration above kind of makes it look like the jaw is fused in place. Man, now we just feel sorry for it. #10.
The Brain-in-a-Jar
What is it? As its name suggests, the Brain-in-a-Jar is a brain in a jar. This is a compromise of its original name, "Brain-in-a-Gnarly-H.R.-Giger-Phallus." Where it Went Wrong: ...It's a brain in a jar. Fuck, just kick it over, who's going to know? #9.
The Digester
What is it? The Digester is a man-sized creature that sprays its digestive juices onto its victims like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly, or the lunch crowd at the Golden Corral. Where it Went Wrong: We admit, spitting acid into someone's face is pretty brutal. However, the Digester seems to be in desperate need of a head, and one or two arms. So if that initial blast of bulimic rage goes wide it's probably screwed. Those talons look nasty but, once more, with nothing but two hind legs to support it, the thing is going to go toppling over with the first kick, hilariously sending gastric acid raining down its own torso. #8.
Moon Rats
What is it? Moon rats gain fierce intelligence as the moon becomes full, for reasons that are not adequately explained. Where it Went Wrong: Rats that become super-smart under the full moon are only useful as villains on Chip and Dale's Rescue Rangers. Sure, they may hatch an ingenious plan to conquer the entire city while sitting around smoking cigars and drinking scotch, but once the sun comes up they're back to eating diapers out of the garbage. Freeze frame and roll credits. |
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The senmurv actually pre-dates D&D, and some of the info here is off. Nonetheless...yeah, some of these monsters are pretty lame.
Sorry, Cracked. You rolled a 1 on your comedy throw. Epic failure! You stab yourself in the foot with your sharp Goth-like barbs.
Oh god, a D&D pun in a D&D article. I am a failure at life.
Somethingawful.com does this way better.
Sorry vampiress, Geluns don't die when they freeze. The just turn into popsicles and rethaw and animate. And get to freeze almost to death again the next night. And the next, and the next...
For the Gelun, you forgot to mention that deserts actually get REALLY cold at night - for the same reason that they get really hot in the day. They have no cloud cover, meaning clouds do not block out any heat during the day, and neither do they retain any heat at night. So, basically, this creature has a one-day lifespan.
Under the DemiLich entry you forgot to mention that when it floats, it's actually while scanning the party to identify the strongest member. Said individual will then have their soul sucked out, with the side effect of their body being completely destroyed. No saves either, and there's not many weapons or spells that can affect the DemiLich either.
Basically the DemiLich was created as the final "f**k You" for people playing the Tomb of Horrors, so that the few who eventually manage to get past all the "Wrong move and you die" traps will face off against this thing to kill off the rest of them.
Indeed, if you use the pre-rolled characters that came with the game, none of them will actually have any weapons capable of fighting this critter.
quantummechanik, you must be stupid AND been living under a rock for the last 30 years to not have at least heard of the association between gays and rainbows.
Granted, some were lame (Gelatinous Cube?), but I actually thought a lot of these creatures were pretty cool.
mehfag
RIP, Gary Gygax, creator of this immpossibly retarded game. His funeral would only have been an hour and a half, but fans kept trying to loot the body.
Wheelz, preparing the world for the Second Coming of Elvis.
this article is packed full of genius
Out of curiousity
Why does everyone keep calling the Senmurv gay? I don't see anything particularly homosexual about what it's doing...
Sabre_Justice: This is because they were looking at the AD&D books, while I was limiting myself to 3.5 to keep the pictures of the same style and quality.
OMFG I can't believe you forgot the Lamasu ???? the high level Beast with the head of Jesus on a horses body? from The Dungeons and Dragons Monstrous Compendium ?
The Hippocampus actually pre-dates Dungeons and Dragons, it's an old mythological creature.
Doesn't make it much dumber really. Also, interesting that you didn't repeat any of the monsters featured in Something Awful articles...
Yeah, the DnD players need to lighten up. I love playing DnD, but even I recognize that there are some seriously retarded monsters. Like the terlen (a flying shark...) or the wendigo (you run away so fast your feet burn off and then you start eating people). Even if the creatures don't start stupid it's easy to make them stupid with the templates. Like giving the winged template to a squid. Part of the fun of DnD IS fighting stupid s**t because it's hilarious to fight. Some of the most fun I've had was applying every template I could to a weasel and making people fight it.
The reason the article is sub-par is because of how little actual research was done. Seriously, did you bother thinking about the point of the hippocampus? Mounted combat doesn't work underwater when your mount is a horse, and people want to do campaigns underwater, so they made the hippocampus. Yeah, it's stupid. But so is fighting a horse.
All-in-all, it's a Cracked article. It's not supposed to be a damn Time magazine article. It's a lame article, but it was still entertaining. Everybody needs to lighten the f**k up, DnD players or not.
Aren't Demiliches really powerful spellcasters or whatever?
All's I'm sayin y'all is D&D(ex. the forgotten realms) is unique in that it is BROADLY fan created, although there are many legendary authors and artists and enthusiasts directly involved.
...What you have here is a mythos in creation. Failure is rampant and pretty hilarious when it's picked apart by anyone but its over-eager creator(s) -though it seems to me that some of this criticism is based on the drawings and not the often planar enemies, which are a little anatomically vague a lot of the time. Most of these are indeed bogus. Gelatinous cube is oldschool. And Moon rats are cool Vhaerun told me so.
ps. D&D HOW ABOUT A DECENT MMORPG YOU MOTHERFUCKERS???
I love D&D, but for god's sake, it's understood that the right thing to do is play it in a basement somewhere and hide the fact from the rest of the world. I mean, have a good time, but hold onto a healthy bit of shame. Trust me, don't tell people that you play D&D, and I promise you'll get laid more.
Also, Gelatinous Cube is my wife's pet name for me.
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/facepalm
And the hippocampus also pre-dates D&D. Dammit. Knew I'd forgotten something.