The 6 Most WTF Old-Timey Porn Trends

#3. Carousel Horses

Rascal

Carousels are the most boring part of carnivals, which in turn are decidedly the least sexy things in the entire world, what with all the puke and carnies and puke-covered carnies. Yet the people of olden times chose this extremely unsavory location as a prime spot for lady-part viewing. Over and over again:

Ace
Pictured: your grandma.

Is this a play on our expectations of the carousel as an innocent ride tainted by the depravity of a carefree gal in lingerie that was probably real sexy back in the day? Was this part of a larger shoot at the carnival? Are there shots of her caressing a wad of cotton candy somewhere out there?

Possibly! Or maybe the Golden Generation chose the least boner-inducing of all backgrounds for their nude-lady viewing in a desperate effort to contain their raging manliness, lest their erections grow a full mustache and ride off to a distant war.

Vue
"Damn it, man! Throw a math teacher cardigan on her before we all start smoking jazz cigarettes."

#2. Terrifying Stuffed Animals and Dolls

Midnight

Dolls and stuffed animals are curious things that follow plenty of women well into adulthood. Many a full-grown lady still keeps a token plushie or 17 around, and that's completely fine, as long as the woman and her partner don't get squeamish over boning in front of the cold, dead button eyes of a dozen soulless animal totems. It's such a common thing that the occasional teddy bear often manages to sneak into naughty pictorials.

However, there are many sorts of toy animals. Some are all "awwwww"; others are more about "Aaaaargh it took my eye getitoff getitoff GETITOFF!!" Two guesses as to which ones porn photographers of the old times preferred:

Folies De Paris Et De Hollwood
This also counts as X-Files Rule 34.

Surely that's about as silly as it gets when it comes to children's toys and naked ladies. It's not as if they were decorating butts with Barbie dolls, right?

Rapture
Oh, goddammit.

Of course, soulless Disney World knockoffs and Barbies and Kens on their daily stroll at Gluteus Hills are what you get if you're lucky. If you're unlucky, you might get an actual, for-reals botched taxidermy job as a side for your boobie pics. Here's Jayne Mansfield with a stuffed tiger that is clearly inspecting your browser history:

Tiger Quarterly
What better way to honor the recently deceased Mansfield than with a spread containing a dead animal carcass?

#1. Creepy Cartoon Mascots

Playboy

These days, we know the Playboy Bunny as the iconic logo of that one magazine someone apparently still reads. However, back before the Bunny was the tattoo design of choice for impressionable ass cheeks, it was also an honest-to-God mascot, not unlike the Trix Rabbit. Though never a permanent fixture, his dopey, shit-eating smirk graced several Playboy covers throughout the 1950s and '60s, along with a number of disrobed models. Basically, he was the Joe Camel of porn.

Smuttier stag mags were presumably keen to emulate the success of Playboy, because many of them came up with their own mascots, most of which managed to be even weirder than the original. Before long, the adult magazine rack had more disturbing cartoon characters hocking questionable products than the cereal aisle.

Debonair

Debonair
Of course the devil would be responsible for this.

And therein lies the problem. While Snap, Crackle, and Pop wanted nothing more than to show you how fun cereal can be, vintage porn mascots are constantly hanging around and about the models' sexy bits in a manner that may be intended as funny, but comes across as Tony the Tiger's Vegas bender.

Jaguar
"Yes, ha ha, you've given the creepy cartoon cat a turtleneck and a panty-stealing habit! This is the best thing!" -No (b)one(r), ever

As disturbing as all those other mascots are, the mindfuck medal goes to Rugged magazine and their cartoon creature, which presumably came to be when the publisher described his recurring nightmare about an ax-murdering hobo clown and the company artist mistook it as a briefing:

Rugged
"And Bettie Page is there, and my teeth turn into sand, and-"

Yes, they repeatedly stuck that thing on their covers so that potential readers could look at it and think that if Jasper the Hobo has a shot with Bettie Page, any schmuck off the street might have a chance.


Tristan Cooper is one of very few writers on Twitter. He also has a personal website that features little to no vintage pornography.

Related Reading: Speaking of baffling porn trends, did you know Montana and Oklahoma love it in the butt? And did you know Nintendo players are proven to love Hentai? Okay, maybe that one isn't so surprising. But what is surprising are these sex secrets learned working at a porn store.

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