The 6 Most WTF Old-Timey Porn Trends

Here's another scene you probably won't find modern porn stars doing in a hurry, in the form of good old-fashioned waterwheel torture:

The typical elements that make up Nazi torture porn covers are threefold. You have the Nazis -- one grimacing henchman and a cackling commander. There's the ridiculously unerotic method of torture. And then there are the women themselves, who are always clearly in grave danger, yet seem only slightly miffed, like they're dreading sitting in the middle seat on an airplane.

"Well, isn't this just a male rescue fantasy? Aren't the men supposed to get off on the idea of saving these curvy, grateful females?" If so, they certainly aren't promoting it on the cover -- there's no swashbuckling hero to save the day. Basically, the only thing these covers tell a boner-prone reader is that the magazine is all about the untimely death of several nubile ladies at the hands of the most evil men in the world.

Well, that, and tips on how to "master a woman for life" yourself. Somewhere, Don Draper is smiling.

Look, let's be honest: No porn photographer has ever gone broke infantilizing women. Put a hot girl in a schoolgirl outfit, or make her speak in baby talk while licking a lollipop, and a certain type of dude will come running. Well, back in the day, somebody apparently was curious to see if it was possible to take it too far. And the answer is "Oh, holy shit, what is this? Am I going to jail?"

Even if you manage to ignore the more disturbing connotations, any mental association with an actual baby should be a surefire way to kill any and all sexy vibes, as anyone who's ever heard one cry can attest. Yet in a crib these fine ladies remain, and that's all you're going to get, boner.

You can just imagine these models excitedly skipping into the studio, expecting a luxurious if slightly naughty shoot in racy nightwear, then having their jaws (and dreams) drop through the floor as the photographer unceremoniously grunts at them and points his thumb at the baby prison in the middle of the floor. To their credit, most models presented in this particular fashion look as bewildered and confused about the situation as the reader. When they seem at ease with their surroundings, it's somehow even worse:

Note to aspiring erotic models everywhere: Call it kinky subtext all you want, but things stop being sexy the second you bring actual baby gear into the mix. If you're dressed like you poop your pants on a bihourly basis, it doesn't matter how well you fill out your diaper.

Yet somehow, this sport with padded uniforms and skinny fake swords manages to rank as an old school smut trend.

Compared to the other women in this article, this model is practically a nun. That hip-hugging onesie might not be as practical as the full-body padding her fallen foe is wearing, but that badass glove looks like an eagle could perch on it at any moment. Barring any Freuds who wish to compare a long, pencil-thin weapon to a penis and mentions of "sympathetic geishas" and actress and glamour girl Ziva Rodann, you could almost believe this is not a dirty magazine. However, the same can't be said about this one:

Man, that's totally going to be the name of our French subsidiary.

Is this a play on our expectations of the carousel as an innocent ride tainted by the depravity of a carefree gal in lingerie that was probably real sexy back in the day? Was this part of a larger shoot at the carnival? Are there shots of her caressing a wad of cotton candy somewhere out there?

Possibly! Or maybe the Golden Generation chose the least boner-inducing of all backgrounds for their nude-lady viewing in a desperate effort to contain their raging manliness, lest their erections grow a full mustache and ride off to a distant war.

Dolls and stuffed animals are curious things that follow plenty of women well into adulthood. Many a full-grown lady still keeps a token plushie or 17 around, and that's completely fine, as long as the woman and her partner don't get squeamish over boning in front of the cold, dead button eyes of a dozen soulless animal totems. It's such a common thing that the occasional teddy bear often manages to sneak into naughty pictorials.

However, there are many sorts of toy animals. Some are all "awwwww"; others are more about "Aaaaargh it took my eye getitoff getitoff GETITOFF!!" Two guesses as to which ones porn photographers of the old times preferred:

Surely that's about as silly as it gets when it comes to children's toys and naked ladies. It's not as if they were decorating butts with Barbie dolls, right?

Of course, soulless Disney World knockoffs and Barbies and Kens on their daily stroll at Gluteus Hills are what you get if you're lucky. If you're unlucky, you might get an actual, for-reals botched taxidermy job as a side for your boobie pics. Here's Jayne Mansfield with a stuffed tiger that is clearly inspecting your browser history:

These days, we know the Playboy Bunny as the iconic logo of that one magazine someone apparently still reads. However, back before the Bunny was the tattoo design of choice for impressionable ass cheeks, it was also an honest-to-God mascot, not unlike the Trix Rabbit. Though never a permanent fixture, his dopey, shit-eating smirk graced several Playboy covers throughout the 1950s and '60s, along with a number of disrobed models. Basically, he was the Joe Camel of porn.

Smuttier stag mags were presumably keen to emulate the success of Playboy, because many of them came up with their own mascots, most of which managed to be even weirder than the original. Before long, the adult magazine rack had more disturbing cartoon characters hocking questionable products than the cereal aisle.

And therein lies the problem. While Snap, Crackle, and Pop wanted nothing more than to show you how fun cereal can be, vintage porn mascots are constantly hanging around and about the models' sexy bits in a manner that may be intended as funny, but comes across as Tony the Tiger's Vegas bender.

As disturbing as all those other mascots are, the mindfuck medal goes to Rugged magazine and their cartoon creature, which presumably came to be when the publisher described his recurring nightmare about an ax-murdering hobo clown and the company artist mistook it as a briefing:

Yes, they repeatedly stuck that thing on their covers so that potential readers could look at it and think that if Jasper the Hobo has a shot with Bettie Page, any schmuck off the street might have a chance.

Tristan Cooper is one of very few writers on Twitter. He also has a personal website that features little to no vintage pornography.

Related Reading: Speaking of baffling porn trends, did you know Montana and Oklahoma love it in the butt? And did you know Nintendo players are proven to love Hentai? Okay, maybe that one isn't so surprising. But what is surprising are these sex secrets learned working at a porn store.