#2. The Gruesome Discovery
Urban legends about burglars getting theirs are common, because seriously, screw burglars. They're willing to throw other people's lives into disarray because earning things the honest way seems, like, hard and stuff. But what if a burglar broke into the wrong house? A house containing something so startling that he ends up calling the police himself? That shit only happens in cheesy horror movies and Scooby-Doo cartoons, right?
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"Please, send help. I've stumbled into an unrealistic premise and I expect my landline will go dead any sec-"
In the wee hours of the morning, a New Zealand man broke into what he thought was a vacant house. An easy job! Turned out the house wasn't so vacant after all. As our criminal made his way around the dimly lit hallways looking for treasure, he noticed something hanging in the dark. The neighbors were soon awakened by the burglar's screams.
"Goddammit, if I wanted to deal with horrific shrieks, I'd stay at a hotel."
The would-be thief had stumbled across a man who had hanged himself only hours before. The thief was so freaked out that he completely broke from the burglar's handbook, tore out of the house like a madman, and called the police himself. The police had a surprisingly upbeat take on the whole sordid situation:
"Hopefully there will be a positive out of it and that [the burglar] will decide it's not the thing to do. I would be taking that as pretty bad karma."
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"I've learned my lesson ... strictly credit card fraud from here on out!"
Aw, you kiwis are adorable when you're not stealing things and killing yourselves.
#1. The Chef Who Slow-Cooked His Wife
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What really goes on in restaurant kitchens? We've all cringed at tales of people finding various gag-inducing items and fluids in their food, or kitchens with ... shall we say relaxed cleanliness standards. Just watch an episode of Kitchen Nightmares to see how justified a lot of those fears are. But what about the ultimate restaurant urban legend? What about the killer chef who uses his kitchen to make his dirty deeds go away?
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The oven's self-cleaning and self-implicating.
David Viens' murder of his wife, Dawn, wasn't particularly remarkable. There were arguments over drugs and money, and somehow Dawn ended up dead. What was remarkable was the very Top Chef way David, a cook at the disarmingly prissy-sounding Thyme Contemporary Cafe, did away with Dawn's body.
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Never trust another chef's meatloaf.
David took Dawn's body to his restaurant, stuffed her inside the industrial-size slow cooker, and, well, there's really no nice way to put this -- he basically turned her into a pot of pulled human. Here's David's description of the process:
"I took some -- some things -- like weights that we use, and I put them on top of her body, and I just slowly cooked it and ended up cooking her for four days .... I cooked her four days, I let her cool, I strained it out."
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Always let your wife cool before straining.
So, yup, if David Viens hadn't been caught, the old ladies who eat at the Thyme Contemporary Cafe might have been slurping down soup made in a slow cooker somebody was boiled in. Think about that the next time you order the gumbo.
Be sure to check out 5 Classic Horror Movies (If They Had a $1 Budget) and vote for your favorite.
Related Reading: Cracked has more true urban legends where THESE came from. Click here to read about dead bodies hidden in fake mummies. Or here to read about the man who decapitated himself. We've also got man-eating escalators and phone calls from beyond the grave. Dig in!
Teddy Roosevelt is just a straight-up legend, and you can honor him via T-shirt.