3 Halo 3 Parkour
Halo 3's multiplayer has been the cause of more deaths than most actual wars. Millions of players have spent hundreds of millions of hours shooting each other in the face. So long, in fact, that some eventually began to question how worthwhile that pursuit was: Surely there's more to life than hovering pretend armored balls over a defeated opponent's corpse? Disillusioned with the casual slaughter, they decided they'd rather turn Halo's sprawling multiplayer maps into the sort of playgrounds they could only dream of when they were children.
The Xbox Live multiplayer judges give him a 9.5, a 10, and a "HaX, [Racial Slur Deleted]!!1."
That bit of gravity-defying acrobatics is known as trick jumping. By finding the itsy-bitsy invisible walls and corners that hold the game world together, exploiting cracks in the physics system, and practicing for hundreds of hours that could have been spent learning another language, players are able to sprint up sheer walls like the sky owes them money. And that's just scratching the surface. You think pulling off a headshot in Halo is hard? Try jumping off of a piece of debris in midair:
Or launching a traffic cone up into the sky with you and jumping off it, then forcing it to follow you with a carefully timed grenade explosion and jumping off it again:
Grenade parkour is a niche, and largely legless, sport.
Or jumping backward off a ledge, shooting an icicle off the bottom of said ledge, jumping off of that icicle, shooting down another while in midair, and then leaping off of that to reach a platform that's normally totally inaccessible. Jesus, we're not even making sentences anymore.
Man verb ice, *fooosh*!
Turns out the final boss in Halo 3 was the English language, and it was defeated by trying to describe what this player just pulled off.
2 Playing Two-Player Games Solo
Everyone knew that one kid who was so good at Street Fighter that your first move might as well have been putting the controller down and crying. Now imagine you are that kid. You don't have anyone to play against because they've all unfairly declared you to be cheap and run off to play on the trampoline instead. Your only option is to play with yourself. No, not like that -- you plug in two arcade sticks and use them both. We're talking about children here, deviant.
Street Fighter III superfan Desk is as good at the game as is he bad at picking pseudonyms. In this video, he's actually inputting commands for both characters at the same time, pulling off moves with one hand we couldn't do with two.
He can also cyberbully himself between rounds to build character.
Apparently, playing a game meant for two people by yourself isn't as rare as you'd think. Below is a video of a dude playing the shoot 'em up Ikaruga in co-op mode. It's sometimes referred to as a "bullet hell" game. Two guesses as to why.
And remember that Tetris game from earlier? Here's a guy taking on a co-op variant. Sadly, he doesn't reach the invisible stage, because that would break the code of the simulation running our universe and we'd all have to reboot.
Here's a guy playing Beatmania against himself. Beatmania is kind of like playing the piano, if your piano hated you and was actively trying to give you a seizure.
Dang -- we haven't seen hands move so quickly to accomplish so little since the first time we got to second base.
Oh, don't act surprised. You knew we were only accusing you of sexual deviance to take the heat off ourselves.