#2. Melanie Martinez Loses Her Home to a Hurricane ... Five Times
When you live in a flood plain area of Louisiana, you're going to have some hurricane troubles. But while a proud Louisianan fully expects to pay for some flood damage now and again, even they have to admit that Melanie Martinez has probably angered some kind of storm god.
No, not you, Teshub. A cool storm god.
Martinez's troubles began all the way back in 1965 when Hurricane Betsy destroyed her first home. Hurricane Juan took out her next house in 1985. After that, Martinez lived the next seven years in peace before Hurricane George came around to remind her that if you hit Thor's car in a Safeway parking lot, you had better leave a goddamn note. Martinez lost her fourth home to Hurricane Katrina before her luck finally changed: A reality show by the name of Hideous Houses, hearing her horror story, decided to make over her run-down home in Braithwaite. The team spent $20,000 putting in new cupboards, appliances, and a sewing room.
That was in 2012. The year of Hurricane Isaac.
Mario Tama/Getty Images News/Getty Images
Why did we mock Teshub just now?! Fools, fools, of all us!
Isaac roared its way in from the Gulf, and although New Orleans itself was protected by its new flood-control systems, the small town of Braithwaite was insufficiently protected by its 8-foot levee. Melanie's entire house was lost. Again.
But at least Melanie finally learned the lesson that nature has been trying to teach her for over 40 years. Leave Louisiana? Haha, no. She now says she is "considering" moving onto a hill.
#1. John "Calamity" Lyne Lives in a Three Stooges Sketch
Look up "hapless" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of John Lyne getting hit by an out-of-control hot dog cart. The poor bastard can't seem to catch a break. Here's the highlight reel of the game of whack-a-mole life has been playing with John Lyne's body: He very nearly drowned, has been involved in three car accidents, was hit with a live electrical cable, was struck by lightning -- twice -- and was plowed over by a city bus.
And when he digs into jelly beans, he keeps finding black ones.
As a child, he fell from a horse cart. And then was promptly run over by a delivery van.
Once he broke his arm falling from a tree and was rushed to the hospital. On his way home, the bus he was in crashed -- breaking the same arm in a different place. That last one even had the decency to take place on Friday the 13th.
John Lyne either was a puppy kicker in a past life or once gave a wedgie to the living avatar of Karma after being mistakenly transferred to the Thales School for Metaphysical Concepts.
He tried looking up that reference. The encyclopedia fell on his foot.
As an adult, Lyne became a miner -- because screw it, why not? He practically died just trying to brush his teeth this morning. Everything is equally deadly to good ol' John "Bus Fodder" Lyne, so he might as well risk it. Sure enough, Lyne soon added "just barely avoided being killed by a tub of falling rocks" to his list of oddly specific mishaps.
Most recently, Lyne got his 15 minutes of fame as "Britain's unluckiest man" after straight up falling down an open manhole. It would be a hilariously cartoonish story if he hadn't seriously hurt his back, legs, and both knees, leaving him unable to work. Funny, that asshole coyote from the cartoons always seems to shake it off just fine.
Taylor is a college student afraid to graduate and can occasionally be found singing with himself.
Related Reading: Luck actually gets worse than this. Ever hear of the couple who wound up vacationing at all three of the worst terrorist attacks in modern history? And did you know people have actually been attacked by animals on the toilet? It's true! Need more? Read about these folks who mixed bad luck with stupidity.