5 Real People Who Life Never Stops Kicking in the Balls
Some people have such incredible bad luck that it goes sailing headfirst past tragedy and lands face down in a heaping plateful of amazement. We're not saying that what happened to these people was good, or deserved, or anything short of terrible. We're just saying that, if you were looking for evidence that gypsy curses might be real, look no further than ...
Rolando Trinidad Gets Shot in the Middle of a Motorcycle Accident
We've mentioned it once before, but you should know that owning a motorcycle means running the risk of everything from deadly vehicular accidents to eyeballs covered in spiders. Still, while one might reasonably expect to crash, get attacked by bees, get run down by inattentive texters, and become absolutely besieged by attractive members of the opposite sex (shh! Let us have our delusion), you can never be fully prepared for the Grim Reaper's hat trick.
Not spontaneous combustion. That's just expected.
Just ask Rolando Trinidad: He was roaring down the highway one night when he swerved to avoid a dog crossing the road and lost control of his motorcycle. That's bad enough luck all on its own, but much like a news anchor street fight, things escalated quickly. First, the pistol in his waistband (side note: Who was the first guy to decide that "the area immediately above my genitals" was the only natural place to store a deadly weapon?) went off, shooting him through the groin. The bullet entered "near his testicles and exited at his right buttock." So within a matter of seconds, we have a serious accident and a gunshot wound. Ouch.
But wait, there's more! Act now, and we'll throw in a free heart attack!
That's right: The shock and stress on Trinidad's body from the back-to-back motorcycle crash and bullet wound immediately triggered a serious cardiac episode.
He didn't tell doctors about the heart attack. He just yelled "Save the BALLS."
So not only an accident, but a motorcycle accident. Not only a gunshot wound, but a gunshot wound to the groin. And then a heart attack, like the deadly cherry atop a disastrous sundae. Miraculously, Trinidad was brought to the Eastern Bicol Medical Center and came out with his life.
At which point the authorities examining the scene of the accident noticed that his gun was likely illegal and unregistered.
And that's why you don't bang fate's girlfriend, buddy.
Costis Mitsotakis Is the Only Man Who DIDN'T Win the Lottery
Here in America, the lottery is considered something between convenience store voodoo and a tax on people who failed statistics in middle school. But in Spain, they embrace the lottery as a national pastime -- in fact, the Spanish Christmas Lottery is the biggest in the world. Tickets are sold in bulk to associations or entire towns, at which point individuals can buy "participations" of the tickets, all of which are worth an equal share of the prize (or more likely, an equal share of both diddly and squat).
But they can bring you a wealthy Christmas, if you just believe.
Such was the case in the tiny impoverished town of Sodeto, where 249 of its 250 residents purchased at least one "participation" of a winning ticket from their local housewives' association. No, they weren't coerced by the brutal fist of the mighty Association of Domestic Professionals: Buying a ticket was a yearly holiday tradition in the village, despite economic hardships.
So if it was a time-honored tradition and not a protection racket run by the frock set, why 249 and not 250? There wasn't a Spanish Grinch up on the hill or anything -- the women went door-to-door selling the tickets and forgot to knock on one.
A baffling error, considering each Spanish house's distinct appearance.
That's why, on the morning of December 22, 2011, Costis Mitsotakis woke up to find that every single household in Sodeto was now at least $130,000 richer (many had even won millions). Every single household, that is, except for his.
So, what happened? Did he eat a bullet? Did his head just spontaneously explode? Did he vow revenge and don an eye patch? This is how supervillains are born, after all.
Or, as he'd call himself, an "avenging hero."
The answer is none of the above: Luckily, Mitsotakis is a filmmaker and wasn't all that interested in his lack of winnings. Without so much as a minute of wailing lamentation, he sprinted out the door to film the townspeople celebrating the moment and plans to release a documentary about the whole experience.
No official word on the title yet, but look for Sodeto: A Town Full of Dicks in your local video store soon.
Johanna Ganthaler Stars in Her Own Private Horror Film
Johanna Ganthaler and her husband, Kurt, were happily vacationing in Brazil and would have been en route to Paris had they not arrived late to the Rio de Janeiro airport, just missing their flight. God, of all the terrible luck, right? Now they had to sit there and hang out in a shitty brewpub, eating microwaved bread and breathing the exotic airborne diseases of an entire airport while all the other passengers flitted through the sky without a care in the world.
Plus, no free power sockets or Wi-Fi. What could possibly be worse?
The plane crashed four hours into the flight, killing all 228 people aboard.
There but for the grace of God go you, and all that. It's terrible what happened to those people, but imagine what Johanna and her husband were feeling: It was like having a new lease on life. But their relief was short lived. Having escaped once through sheer coincidence, Johanna and Kurt had no choice but to risk it again. They booked a flight home the next day and crossed their fingers all the way back to Italy. After several hours presumably screaming at every turbulent bump, the couple landed safely. They got in their car and drove home.
Arguing all the way about the insane airport parking fees.
They didn't make it.
After all that they'd been through -- the horrible disasters and miraculous saves, the nerve-jangling return flight and the relief of being safe on the ground again -- the Ganthalers' car swerved across the road into an oncoming truck on the drive from the airport, killing Johanna instantly and seriously injuring Kurt.
Apparently the Italian Grim Reaper is a big fan of Final Destination.
Melanie Martinez Loses Her Home to a Hurricane ... Five Times
When you live in a flood plain area of Louisiana, you're going to have some hurricane troubles. But while a proud Louisianan fully expects to pay for some flood damage now and again, even they have to admit that Melanie Martinez has probably angered some kind of storm god.
No, not you, Teshub. A cool storm god.
Martinez's troubles began all the way back in 1965 when Hurricane Betsy destroyed her first home. Hurricane Juan took out her next house in 1985. After that, Martinez lived the next seven years in peace before Hurricane George came around to remind her that if you hit Thor's car in a Safeway parking lot, you had better leave a goddamn note. Martinez lost her fourth home to Hurricane Katrina before her luck finally changed: A reality show by the name of Hideous Houses, hearing her horror story, decided to make over her run-down home in Braithwaite. The team spent $20,000 putting in new cupboards, appliances, and a sewing room.
That was in 2012. The year of Hurricane Isaac.
Why did we mock Teshub just now?! Fools, fools, of all us!
Isaac roared its way in from the Gulf, and although New Orleans itself was protected by its new flood-control systems, the small town of Braithwaite was insufficiently protected by its 8-foot levee. Melanie's entire house was lost. Again.
But at least Melanie finally learned the lesson that nature has been trying to teach her for over 40 years. Leave Louisiana? Haha, no. She now says she is "considering" moving onto a hill.
John "Calamity" Lyne Lives in a Three Stooges Sketch
Look up "hapless" in the dictionary and you'll find a picture of John Lyne getting hit by an out-of-control hot dog cart. The poor bastard can't seem to catch a break. Here's the highlight reel of the game of whack-a-mole life has been playing with John Lyne's body: He very nearly drowned, has been involved in three car accidents, was hit with a live electrical cable, was struck by lightning -- twice -- and was plowed over by a city bus.
And when he digs into jelly beans, he keeps finding black ones.
As a child, he fell from a horse cart. And then was promptly run over by a delivery van.
Once he broke his arm falling from a tree and was rushed to the hospital. On his way home, the bus he was in crashed -- breaking the same arm in a different place. That last one even had the decency to take place on Friday the 13th.
John Lyne either was a puppy kicker in a past life or once gave a wedgie to the living avatar of Karma after being mistakenly transferred to the Thales School for Metaphysical Concepts.
He tried looking up that reference. The encyclopedia fell on his foot.
As an adult, Lyne became a miner -- because screw it, why not? He practically died just trying to brush his teeth this morning. Everything is equally deadly to good ol' John "Bus Fodder" Lyne, so he might as well risk it. Sure enough, Lyne soon added "just barely avoided being killed by a tub of falling rocks" to his list of oddly specific mishaps.
Most recently, Lyne got his 15 minutes of fame as "Britain's unluckiest man" after straight up falling down an open manhole. It would be a hilariously cartoonish story if he hadn't seriously hurt his back, legs, and both knees, leaving him unable to work. Funny, that asshole coyote from the cartoons always seems to shake it off just fine.
Taylor is a college student afraid to graduate and can occasionally be found singing with himself.
Related Reading: Luck actually gets worse than this. Ever hear of the couple who wound up vacationing at all three of the worst terrorist attacks in modern history? And did you know people have actually been attacked by animals on the toilet? It's true! Need more? Read about these folks who mixed bad luck with stupidity.