We have TiVos, ad blockers, and the highly refined ability to simply not give a shit, so advertisers really have to get creative if they want to get our attention these days. And what gets your attention more than threatening, scaring, and emotionally traumatizing you for life?
Well, they say no press is bad press. See, after listening to you sobbing and ranting about the ghost in the mirror, the man with the rifle, or the police hunting you through a crowded airport, your psychiatrist will inevitably ask you what product caused all this pain, and then boom: mission accomplished.
5Capital 8 Theaters Hires an Armed Assailant to Threaten Ticket Holders
Boston Globe / Getty
The Goodrich Capital 8 Theater in Jefferson City, Missouri, decided to celebrate the opening of Iron Man 3 the best way they knew how: by threatening to murder their patrons.
AFP / Stringer / Getty
The party's over, unsilenced cellphones.
It went down like this: The theater owners decided to put on a little show before the main event, so they hired a gaggle of actors (actors come in gaggles, right?) to play the titular man of iron, a couple of cops, and James Holmes.
T-the porn guy?
No, it was not the infamous python tamer (you're thinking of John), but this Holmes was still packing heat.
Capitol 8 Theater via MSN
Real badasses strap their handguns to their chest, right?
James Holmes was the psychopath who killed 12 people in Aurora, Colorado, during a midnight showing of The Dark Knight Rises. He entered the theater wearing body armor and carrying a rifle, then opened fire.
We'd love to find a way to phrase this next part to really emphasize how stupid the decision was, but try as we might, we can't make it sound any dumber than the plain old unembellished description: One year after a mass shooting by a disturbed individual wearing body armor and carrying a rifle at the premiere of a blockbuster superhero film, Capital 8 hired an actor to walk into their own theater during the premiere of a blockbuster superhero film ... wearing body armor and carrying a (fake) rifle.
Joe Amon / Denver Post
"It's OK, these are blanks! You can stop soiling yourselves now."
As soon as Mysterious Armed Assailant #1 clocked in for work, intrepid theatergoers called the real police, screwing up the whole planned showdown. When the actual cops showed up, they informed the owners that they were lucky that no off-duty officers were present in the audience, otherwise their fun little stunt would have gotten the actor shot in the dang face. It takes a lot of people to make an idea this bad happen: Of course the theater owners should have known better, their employees should have spoken up, and really anybody within earshot should have smacked them upside the head with the Bad Idea Hammer. But actors, maybe you should also consider whether "guy in small-town PR stunt" is a role worth dying for. We know the Jefferson City theater scene is struggling right now, but we hear there's a pretty bitchin' version of The Wiz casting right now, and there's only like a 4 percent chance you'll get shot in the face for playing the Tin Man.
Michael Ochs Archives / Stringer / Getty
Eh, why not make it an even 10 percent?