#2. Kurt Cobain's Suicide Was Not That Mysterious
Frank Micelotta / Stringer / Getty
Every celebrity who dies before their time winds up with a conspiracy theory surrounding their death, because that's how we avoid having to admit to ourselves that we're mortal and people just die sometimes. The most famous theory, besides the one about how Elvis is alive and well and working at a gas station somewhere, is the theory that Kurt Cobain was actually murdered -- possibly by his wife, Courtney Love.
Mick Hutson / Redferns / Getty
The famed teetotaller Christian rock star.
Conspiracy theorists argue first of all that Cobain's suicide note looks partially forged -- the bits at the end, where he breaks his rambling diatribe about nothing to actually make clear that this is a suicide note, look like they're in different handwriting:
And then there's the fact that he was high on heroin when he pulled the trigger. Really high -- three times a fatal dose, according to authorities. So they're asking us to believe that Cobain, a man who was already dead three times over, somehow committed suicide and killed himself again? Bullshit -- she murdered him and put the gun in his hands.
Barry King / WireImage
With Kurt out of the way, Courtney stood to inherit a sweater collection worth dozens of dollars.
The Simple Misunderstanding:
First of all, despite the "three times the lethal amount" number that gets thrown around, judging how much heroin somebody pumped into himself at the time of death isn't an exact science. Interpreting that data requires experts to correct for the user's addiction history, because heroin addicts build tolerance fast. And regular users retain some drug byproducts in their system, so the test might also be picking up some of last night's binge as well. So was Cobain using often enough to skew the results? Actually, Cobain's tolerance to the drug was so insanely high that the amount he had in his system was probably a pretty standard nightcap for him. Kurt Cobain was really, really good at heroin, is what we're saying.
As for the note, forensic experts looked at that already because they're kind of paid to make sure murders don't get written off as fake suicides, and what they found was, well ... Kurt wrote it.
It's true that the last part of the note looks like it was written by a 5-year-old, and Courtney Love does sort of fit that description. But then, it would also make sense if it had been written by Cobain as he was deteriorating from, for example, some kind of substance he was putting into his body. We'll let you figure out what that might have been.
#1. The Moon Landing "Hoax" Is Just a Series of Misunderstood Photos
Universal Images Group / Getty
Few conspiracy theories have gotten as much attention (and as many television specials) as the moon landing hoax theory. It asserts that the American government, terrified of being perceived as failures and having the Russians show them up during the height of the Cold War, faked the moon landing by filming it in a studio on Earth.
Amid the dozens of supposed smoking guns in the photos of the event, you have the fact that the American flag that the Apollo astronauts planted seems to be blowing in the wind ... and there's no air on the moon! The Illuminati sure goofed on that one! Look at the fabric rippling in the breeze:
C'mon, Illuminated Seers of Bavaria. Details matter. I think we're all a little ashamed of you right now.
Then there's the fact that none of the photographs taken on the "moon" have any stars in them, obviously because those idiots forgot to wire up the fairy lights to the ceiling of the studio. And then there's the puzzle of the so-called C-rock -- one particularly astute observer noticed that one of the rocks from the moon images has the letter "C" printed on it, proving that it was a prop that they forgot to cover up. Man, it's like they hired Ed Wood to put this thing together.
The "C" stands for "Neil Armstrong's Cock." He wrote it on everything.
The Simple Misunderstanding:
Looking past the fact that any moon landing hoaxer worth their salt would probably decorate the set with actual rocks instead of fake ones with random letters scrawled on them, the images of the notorious C-rock are reproductions of the photos they actually took. And, surprise surprise, the original photos don't show the C. That's because it's not in the pictures at all, but, upon close examination, appears to be a piece of hair dropped on the film during retouching (actually it looks like a pubic hair -- the fact that the photo editor rubbed his balls on it is the real conspiracy).
He was just imitating what Buzz Aldrin did to every moon rock.
But what about those missing stars? They're supposed to be in space! That's basically nothing but stars. Well, it's hard to tell, but the photographs from the moon landing were taken during the daytime. The moon daytime. The moon may not have a big, pretty blue sky to indicate day, but the shining power of that big orb in the sky has the same effect on the stars.
Finally, there's that damning image of the flag, all waving and shit like it doesn't even care that there's no wind on the moon. It seems like the hoaxers of the moon landing were so distracted by their desire to make the most patriotic image ever that they just blew a gale into the studio, stopping just short of releasing a bald eagle to fly across the scene.
"Can we get a bust of John Wayne in there? Maybe a handgun, too."
But the truth is that the rippled flag is totally stationary. NASA designed the flagpole to extend outward so that the flag could hang straight out, precisely because there's no wind on the moon and they didn't want it to turn into a shapeless wad in zero gravity. Unfortunately, the extending part got stuck and the flag got wrinkled during the trip up there. It just so happened that it looked super cool, so the astronauts said fuck it, and subsequent trips to the moon had their flags designed that way on purpose. Or else it was just to mess with people.
Douglas A. McDonnell wants to dedicate this to the loving memory of his mother. I love you mom.
For more actual conspiracies that'll make you soil yourself, check out 7 Insane Conspiracies (That Actually Happened) and 6 Insane Conspiracy Theories (That Actually Happened).
If you're pressed for time and just looking for a quick fix, then check out 3 Reasons the 'Diet Soda vs. Meth' Dental Study is B.S..
And stop by LinkSTORM to discover how to fake your own moon landing.
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