#4. Sylvester Stallone Pudding
Instone via Muscles Prod
A few years back, Sylvester Stallone realized he didn't have his name on enough terrible things. Trying to remedy this, he created arguably the slowest way to eat protein. Yes, where most fitness junkies see protein shakes as a necessary evil that must be hurriedly choked down before a workout, Stallone decided to put the stuff into the form of a pudding that you could methodically eat with a spoon, to really savor that shit.
Sadly, Stallone brand pudding has gotten him ensnared in a lawsuit by someone claiming that Stallone stole his pudding recipe from him, which sounds like the plot of a really weird dream we had one time. We don't understand what all the fuss is about, considering that we're pretty sure you can make your own protein pudding by just adding a fraction of the amount of milk or water you normally would to your protein powder. If it's still too runny, then refrigerate it for 30 minutes. You're welcome.
In fact, that is the only way you'll get Stallone pudding these days, unless you're speaking in innuendo, since the product was discontinued.
"I should have probably tasted it before I bought 2 million cans."
#3. Vegetable Jell-O (for Salads!)
Jell-O is timeless because it's so simple. It's a wiggling block of some vaguely sugar-flavored substance; adding anything to it just screws it up. But it took the world a long time to learn that lesson, and in the 1960s the Jell-O people got cocky and tried to convince the world that Jell-O should be a staple of everyone's diet.
And thus began the company's foray into the non-dessert section of grocery markets. New savory varieties were introduced, including mixed vegetable, celery, seasoned tomato, and Italian. The company even released a recipe book for their new creations, saving you the trouble of figuring out how to best utilize this new vegetable-inspired gelatin. Some of these mouth-watering recipes even featured seafood, and had to have created some of the most fascinating shits in human history.
"Your husband will certainly appreciate the hours of effort it took to make this as he's shoveling it into his face."
The fad didn't last long, and in retrospect it doesn't seem so surprising that people were unwilling to stick their spoons into what looks like a Lovecraftian space monster.
"Life on your planet is confusing and awful. Please kill me."
#2. Ice Breakers Cocaine Baggie Gum
Hershey via Penn Live
On paper, there was probably nothing weird about Hershey's decision to market breath mints in the form of little dissolvable packets that melt in your mouth, releasing the powdery xylitol goodness within. Yet it seems like somewhere in the design phase somebody would have said, "You know, this really does look like we're marketing little baggies of cocaine to children."
In all fairness, Pixy Stix and Fun Dip are both still around ... maybe they thought this one could slip by.
If you don't see the problem, you're not imagining yourself getting pulled over by the police and having them find a couple of these packets in your front pocket or purse. Or a teacher catching a kid giving one to his friend in class. By the time they figure out what it is, you've already been tackled to the ground and tased four or five times.
Law enforcement officials voiced their displeasure, and Hershey basically replied with "We didn't make it look like coke on purpose, but, yeah, we'll definitely stop selling this." And so, in a turn of events that surprised no one, the product was pulled from shelves in 2008.
Hershey via Sun-Sentinel
At which point they nervously flushed their whole supply down the toilet.
And speaking of drug-themed candy ...
#1. LSD-Inspired PEZ
Oh, yeah, that's a goddamned PEZ dispenser in the shape of a hand clutching an eyeball. That's not some terrifying art project, that's an official PEZ product from the psychedelic '60s.
It was the era of hippies and flower children, and the suits at PEZ knew if they were going to stay relevant, they had to get with the times. How else would they do that other than by introducing dispensers that would remind the drugged-out counterculture types of the most nightmarish acid trip they've ever had? Oh, and the candy was flavored like flowers. Because that's all those filthy animals eat, right?
While short-lived, the dispensers are actually worth a few hundred bucks now. And looking back, there's no reason they couldn't have been more successful if they'd just stayed with the other dispensers of the era that were simply shaped like flowers.
These came packaged with a free Jefferson Airplane album and patchouli oil.
See? Nothing strange about-
OH, GOD, WHY?!
Related Reading: Hungry for more baffling products by famous brands? Behind this link lies Kanye West's travel agency and Kellog's "urban wear". More interested in famous products that are actually ripoffs? This article exposes the Oreo as a cheap imitation of the Hydrox cookie. Feel like thinking a little outside the box? This article reveals the insane original uses of products you see every day. You'll learn that play-doh was designed to clean wallpaper. And that corkscrews were invented to remove bullets.