Nothing better than a big ol' plate of saucy ribs, right, Stereotypical Southern Gentleman? (Our recent demographic survey revealed some surprising things.)
But what do you do if your phone rings, or you need to shake hands, or you require sudden access to your duel-slappin' glove? Sure, you could grab some napkins or a wet wipe, but by the time you desauce your fingers, that roguish dandy will have escaped entirely and you'll never get your satisfaction.
Plus, if he accepts your duel challenge, they make an awesome weapon.
But now there's Trongs! Trongs (or, less embarrassingly, tri-tongs), fit over your index finger, middle finger and thumb and let you eat messy food while keeping those all-important trigger digits clean and ready. Why, it's almost worth the goggle-eyed stares and hushed whispers as all the other patrons gape at the man who brought bright red prosthetic chicken-claws to dinner. And what does that say about you as a person -- that you're so into ribs, you bring your own special utensils everywhere you go?
"I'd order the soup of the day if you offered a frozen version."
It says you're a fatty, is what it says.
And if that's true, and you are a bit more Tubbs than Crockett, there's something else you might like ...
We get that there are times when you absolutely have to eat in the car, and you certainly don't want to spill food all over your clothes.
But most people's solution is something like "use a napkin" or "be more careful," not "engineer a special inverse food cape that Velcros to my seat belt." But that's why the inventor of the BeltzBib makes the big, grease-stained bucks, we guess.
The website tries to pass it off as something parents can use: "Let your kids eat without the worry of drips and spills." But the product photo proudly features a full-grown man attempting to shove an entire double cheeseburger through his dislocated jaw like a jungle snake.
"Look, I eated like big boy!"
And hey, look, it even matches your Trongs! For extra-special fun, try slowly turning to the horrified, staring children in the back of the minivan next to you with your food-claws and neck-apron, then hiss; they'll never forget the Pork Monster from Freeway 12.
#3. Head Massager
We won't knock 'em -- head massages are the bomb. You ever tried one of those flexy little claw things they sell at Brookstone? Shit's like a thousand tiny geishas giving handjobs to each and every individual follicle.
But there's a point at which your desire for hairjobs tips from "harmless fetish" into "extra who gets thrown off the set of Tron," and that point is the HeadSpa Head Massager:
We were going to make a joke about that photo, but seriously, what could we possibly say that it doesn't already say itself?
OK, so it looks like you're trying to augment your own latent psychic abilities -- but it's not like you're going to be wearing it out in public, right? Wait, what's that you say, helpful website? "Use it at your desk at work, or on your morning commute in traffic."
"Use it to psi-blast those men in white coats your boss is pointing your way -- they'll never take you alive!"
#2. Rufus Roo
Tired of those rat bastard airlines nickel-and-diming you to death? Having trouble cramming all your crap into a carry-on small enough to avoid the baggage fee? Strike a blow with the Rufus Roo!
A blow to your own personal dignity, that is -- the airlines are probably cool with it; they get at least $25 worth of laughs at your expense.
The Rufus Roo is a ridiculously unsubtle hoarder-poncho with a billion pockets for you to stuff your dirty underwear and old cereal boxes into. Sure, you might get one over on Big Airplane by using one, but just take a look at your son's face:
We've never seen a purer example of the "just take the fucking picture" look.
You crossed a line when you made him your souvenir mule. He'll never love you again.
#1. Hands-Free Headset
There are all sorts of reasons to want hands-free calling. Whether you're worried about cellphone radiation tainting your precious brainmeats or just trying to drive without murdering your fellow commuters, it's practically a necessity in our society. So what are you supposed to do? Buy one of the increasingly prevalent, incredibly cheap Bluetooth headsets? What are you, a RoboCop? You're sick of fancy gadgets! Doesn't anybody manufacture headbands with suction cups attached to them anymore?!
You're goddamn right they do.
The GoJo Hands Free Headset has your back! When your phone rings, simply slap it onto the suction cup, pop the headband on and you're ready to go ... straight onto your jerky friend's Facebook wall with the caption "Hello, future? Yes, this is Ron."
But nobody's saying you have to strap your laptop to your face every time you make a Skype call. Most smartphones are tiny, and the end result is much less obtrusive: With a smaller cellphone stuck to your face, you only look like Magneto losing control of your powers.
Now for some items you definitely don't need put probably want in 7 Items You Won't Believe Are Actually Legal and The 5 Most Ridiculous SkyMall Products Money Can Buy.