The 5 Most Ridiculous SkyMall Products Money Can Buy
There's no shortage of products out there for the discerning consumer... and then there's all THIS crap. Thanks, Skymall.
Product #5:
NoseAid
WHAT IT DOES: "No need to hold the nose. By gently applying pressure to the outside of the nose, NoseAid stops nosebleeds instantly!"WHAT IT COSTS: $24.95
WHY YOU NEED IT: Sure, you're a good parent, but admit it: all that blood coming out of your son's nose is GROSS. You don't want to TOUCH THAT, do you?! Not only is it gnarly, but how is he supposed to learn how to be independent if you're always helping him out? By using NoseAid, not only will you wean your child off relying on "mommy" for help, but you'll also teach him a valuable lesson: Most of life's problems can be solved with a $25 clothespin.
But NoseAid isn't just for noses! Try using it on your own arm to make sure you're not just dreaming about this amazing product (hint: you're not)! Use it to hold a burned-down joint, or to pinch your little sister when she threatens to tell your parents that you're using NoseAid to hold a burned-down joint! With NoseAid, pinching stuff with your fingers is a thing of the past!
Product #4:
A Baffling Array Of Lawn Ornaments
WHAT IT DOES: Makes your house look like it's occupied by a complete lunatic. One with fantastic taste in decorating.
WHAT IT COSTS: $50 - $895
WHY YOU NEED IT: Are you sick and tired of animal pests digging up your prizewinning rutabagas and gallivanting about in your backyard? Maybe you need a ceramic sasquatch, 8-foot-tall giraffe, or "muscular god of the sea" to scare them away! Fed up with catching horny teenagers necking behind your tomato plants? Throw St. Francis back there to spoil the mood, or if that doesn't work, these Ten Commandments tablets will have them zipping up and praying for forgiveness in no time!
And for you, the avid gardener and sumo wrestling enthusiast? Did you really think they wouldn't have a product to suit your needs? Think again - it's Skymall.
Product #3:
Hula Chair
WHAT IT DOES: "... combines the best of ancient traditional Chinese medicine with 21st century space-age technology."WHAT IT COSTS: $249.95
WHY YOU NEED IT: Your chair at work is great and everything, but is it good for you? The Hula Chair provides you with something most office chairs don't: a completely passive workout. WIth its unique combination of ancient Chinese yadda yadda and futuristic space-age whatever, Hula Chair offers GUARANTEED RESULTS. What are they? Nobody knows, exactly, but they're obviously PRETTY GOOD. With all these CAPS, can you really afford NOT to buy it RIGHT NOW?!
Hell - it even makes you look cool while you're using it. If that isn't enough to convince you, just think about the ancient Chinese blah-blah-blah and the holistic whoop-dee-doo and all that.
Just buy the fucking chair already.
Product #2:
Signed Soup Nazi Photo
WHAT IT DOES: Is "signed by Larry Thomas, the actor who played the infamous character in a 1995 episode of Seinfeld"WHAT IT COSTS: $199.95
WHY YOU NEED IT: You have an "offbeat" sense of humor, and there is no better way of showing it off than by purchasing a signed picture of Larry Thomas (aka "The Soup Nazi") to hang in your office. Put it in a visible place and scream to the world, "I am familiar with a semi-obscure character from one of the most-viewed sitcoms in the history of television!" Eventually, someone with a similar knowledge of basic pop culture trivia will see it on your wall and scream back "NO SOUP FOR YOU!" Then you'll be like, "Yup - Seinfeld," and they'll be like, "I love that show!" This will make you more popular around your office, which will all but guarantee that big promotion you've been gunning for. Before long you'll be running the place, and people will come into your office and be like "No soup for you... right, sir?" and you'll be like, "You think I have time to sit around quoting Seinfeld with you, Bill? You're fired - get the fuck out of my office."
All for a measly $199.95.
Product #1:
Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier
WHAT IT DOES: "It looks just like a cell phone ear adapter and works as a sound enhancer so you can join conversations... from 50 feet away."WHAT IT COSTS: $40.00
WHY YOU NEED IT: Because you're deaf, you're a businessman, and you can't afford to not be able to join a conversation from 50 feet away. Let's face it - in this business (the business of being a businessman) a debilitating condition like hearing impairment might as well be a death sentence. If a client has a choice between hiring some deaf old codger like yourself or a slick youngster with 20/20 hearing - one who can join their conversation from 50 feet away - who do you think they're going to choose?
In the end, it all comes down to the image you want to project. You have two choices:
It's your decision: Do you want to look like a deaf old man, or a dashing young half-professional half-Robocop?
What was that? Did somebody say "no-brainer"?
Oh, yeah - SkyMall did!
One of my favorite SkyMall items is a food thermometer that has a "delicate fish option", but for no other reason than I enjoy the phrase "delicate fish option"
Replythese are only funny when you write witty satire reviews on the website and see how long they stay up by riding the line between what people will believe and how many call bullshit on you.
Replyi do, in fact, have time to sit around quoting seinfeld all day. at school, at the dinner table, that's just what i do.
Replyactually, as a sufferer of chronic nosebleeds, noseaid looks pretty useful... it gets really tiring putting pressure on your nose for twenty minutes...
ReplyYou can do the same thing with a wooden clothespin (as the article implies) which you can get in bags of 50 for about 3 bucks.
Before long you'll be running the place, and people will come into your office and be like "No soup for you... right, sir?" and you'll be like, "You think I have time to sit around quoting Seinfeld with you, Bill? You're fired - get the f**k out of my office." Bwahahahaha
ReplyYou can use #1 to spy on people. No need for big parabolic microphone. Just sit across the restaurant, pretend to enjoy your soup.
Replyno soup for you!
@aximilli98 Win.
Out of the entire Skymall catalog, you could only find a measly 5 to write about?
ReplyMaybe he was going to write about the entire Skymall catalog, but forced himself to narrow it down to a more reasonable number.
Dude, I have hundreds of those little nose clips. They get them by the box at my hospital and they give me one for each breathing test I have to do.
Reply Hide All See All 3 RepliesThey're not very good for pinching since they are really padded on the ends, so you'll still need good ol' fashion fingers for your little sister.
(oh my, that came out wrong...)
Depends on the sister.
^^ What he said.
haha this is definitely not right!
What scares me is that people under the age of 35 have subscriptions to sky mall. i was at my friends apt the other day, and he had about 5 different catalouges like the ones they have in assisted living communities, including sky mall.
ReplyRed flag? prolly.
I am definately getting my wife a hula chair. And drilling a hole in the seat. And getting a passive workout at every chance I get.
ReplyBut first, high school!
it goes to show you that poeple nowadays lack the ability to now when your being brainwashed. i mean do they really think that we believe what they are selling? o'k a vast majority of consumers today wouldn't realize it if it sat on their face and farted
ReplyOn a flight a few months ago I saw a Star Trek commando chair for only 1999!
ReplyNot to mention the fifty dollar patch of fake grass for your pets to take a leak inside.
I love SkyMall.
I remember once seeing a set of 3 stepping stones in a Skymall catalog that were shaped like feet. THREE of them. I still don't quite get it.
ReplyYou probably realized that its an incredibly lame pun: there are 3 feet in a yard
Hahahaha, my friend has the Soup Nazi picture. He got that signed picture and a signed soup spoon. I don't think he paid $200 though.
ReplyYes he did......just too ashamed to admit it. Poor bastard.
I would love to have the "Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier"!!
ReplyThey have it @ RiteAid, for $19.99
Lol i read the link as SkyNet not Skymall really had my hopes up
ReplyWhy would anyone pay for a hearing aid.
ReplyWait a second, American,
No NHS. I get it now, cause i saw that and was like why would you pay $40 when you can get it for nothing + free batteries.
Great article V. Funny
What about the home neck traction device?!? With the picture of the guy sitting in a chair with what looks to be a noose around his neck? I use that every night when I rub one out.
ReplyThere's a great video clip from The Ellen Show featuring the Hula chair, redubbed the "Hawaii Chair," available on YouTube.
ReplyHate to say it, but this barely skims the surface of SkyMall's vast offerings of bizarre bric-a-brac. Perhaps they are counting on their clientele being too drugged up from Dramamine and beverage service to notice.
Reply