There’s no shortage of products out there for the discerning consumer… and then there’s all THIS crap. Thanks, Skymall.
WHAT IT DOES: “No need to hold the nose. By gently applying pressure to the outside of the nose, NoseAid stops nosebleeds instantly!”
WHAT IT COSTS: $24.95
WHY YOU NEED IT: Sure, you’re a good parent, but admit it: all that blood coming out of your son’s nose is GROSS. You don’t want to TOUCH THAT, do you?! Not only is it gnarly, but how is he supposed to learn how to be independent if you’re always helping him out? By using NoseAid, not only will you wean your child off relying on “mommy” for help, but you’ll also teach him a valuable lesson: Most of life’s problems can be solved with a $25 clothespin.
But NoseAid isn’t just for noses! Try using it on your own arm to make sure you’re not just dreaming about this amazing product (hint: you’re not)! Use it to hold a burned-down joint, or to pinch your little sister when she threatens to tell your parents that you’re using NoseAid to hold a burned-down joint! With NoseAid, pinching stuff with your fingers is a thing of the past!
WHAT IT DOES: Makes your house look like it’s occupied by a complete lunatic. One with fantastic taste in decorating.
WHAT IT COSTS: $50 - $895
WHY YOU NEED IT: Are you sick and tired of animal pests digging up your prizewinning rutabagas and gallivanting about in your backyard? Maybe you need a ceramic sasquatch, 8-foot-tall giraffe, or “muscular god of the sea” to scare them away! Fed up with catching horny teenagers necking behind your tomato plants? Throw St. Francis back there to spoil the mood, or if that doesn’t work, these Ten Commandments tablets will have them zipping up and praying for forgiveness in no time!
And for you, the avid gardener and sumo wrestling enthusiast? Did you really think they wouldn’t have a product to suit your needs? Think again - it’s Skymall.
WHAT IT DOES: “… combines the best of ancient traditional Chinese medicine with 21st century space-age technology.”
WHAT IT COSTS: $249.95
WHY YOU NEED IT: Your chair at work is great and everything, but is it good for you? The Hula Chair provides you with something most office chairs don’t: a completely passive workout. WIth its unique combination of ancient Chinese yadda yadda and futuristic space-age whatever, Hula Chair offers GUARANTEED RESULTS. What are they? Nobody knows, exactly, but they’re obviously PRETTY GOOD. With all these CAPS, can you really afford NOT to buy it RIGHT NOW?!
Hell - it even makes you look cool while you’re using it. If that isn’t enough to convince you, just think about the ancient Chinese blah-blah-blah and the holistic whoop-dee-doo and all that.
Just buy the fucking chair already.
WHAT IT DOES: Is “signed by Larry Thomas, the actor who played the infamous character in a 1995 episode of Seinfeld“
WHAT IT COSTS: $199.95
WHY YOU NEED IT: You have an “offbeat” sense of humor, and there is no better way of showing it off than by purchasing a signed picture of Larry Thomas (aka “The Soup Nazi”) to hang in your office. Put it in a visible place and scream to the world, “I am familiar with a semi-obscure character from one of the most-viewed sitcoms in the history of television!” Eventually, someone with a similar knowledge of basic pop culture trivia will see it on your wall and scream back “NO SOUP FOR YOU!” Then you’ll be like, “Yup - Seinfeld,” and they’ll be like, “I love that show!” This will make you more popular around your office, which will all but guarantee that big promotion you’ve been gunning for. Before long you’ll be running the place, and people will come into your office and be like “No soup for you… right, sir?” and you’ll be like, “You think I have time to sit around quoting Seinfeld with you, Bill? You’re fired - get the fuck out of my office.”
All for a measly $199.95.
WHAT IT DOES: “It looks just like a cell phone ear adapter and works as a sound enhancer so you can join conversations… from 50 feet away.”
WHAT IT COSTS: $40.00
WHY YOU NEED IT: Because you’re deaf, you’re a businessman, and you can’t afford to not be able to join a conversation from 50 feet away. Let’s face it - in this business (the business of being a businessman) a debilitating condition like hearing impairment might as well be a death sentence. If a client has a choice between hiring some deaf old codger like yourself or a slick youngster with 20/20 hearing - one who can join their conversation from 50 feet away - who do you think they’re going to choose?
In the end, it all comes down to the image you want to project. You have two choices:
It’s your decision: Do you want to look like a deaf old man, or a dashing young half-professional half-Robocop?
What was that? Did somebody say “no-brainer”?
Oh, yeah - SkyMall did!
This entry was posted on Wednesday, June 11th, 2008 at 6:00 am and is filed under Advertising, Products. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
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June 21st, 2009 at 1:10 pm
I propose http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102664481&c= gets added to the list.
srsly.
April 26th, 2009 at 10:37 am
it goes to show you that poeple nowadays lack the ability to now when your being brainwashed. i mean do they really think that we believe what they are selling? o’k a vast majority of consumers today wouldn’t realize it if it sat on their face and farted
April 25th, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Here’s an ad for a $75 1 gig flash drive.
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102726266&c=
It is identical to a flash drive my uncle got for free from the bank, but with a horribly cheap looking appendage mounted on metal that looks like a gaudy broach. Why waste money on trivial things like storage capacity when you can buy the flash drive that is fashionable.
April 18th, 2009 at 5:01 pm
On a flight a few months ago I saw a Star Trek commando chair for only 1999!
Not to mention the fifty dollar patch of fake grass for your pets to take a leak inside.
I love SkyMall.
April 16th, 2009 at 9:12 pm
I remember once seeing a set of 3 stepping stones in a Skymall catalog that were shaped like feet. THREE of them. I still don’t quite get it.
March 31st, 2009 at 6:44 pm
[...] Stupid SkyMall SHAT! The 5 Most Ridiculous SkyMall Products Money Can Buy | Cracked.com [...]
March 26th, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Hahahaha, my friend has the Soup Nazi picture. He got that signed picture and a signed soup spoon. I don’t think he paid $200 though.
March 24th, 2009 at 7:22 pm
I would love to have the “Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier”!!
March 20th, 2009 at 8:21 am
Lol i read the link as SkyNet not Skymall really had my hopes up
March 20th, 2009 at 8:19 am
Why would anyone pay for a hearing aid.
Wait a second, American,
No NHS. I get it now, cause i saw that and was like why would you pay $40 when you can get it for nothing + free batteries.
Great article V. Funny
March 19th, 2009 at 7:11 pm
What about the home neck traction device?!? With the picture of the guy sitting in a chair with what looks to be a noose around his neck? I use that every night when I rub one out.
March 19th, 2009 at 1:11 pm
There’s a great video clip from The Ellen Show featuring the Hula chair, redubbed the “Hawaii Chair,” available on YouTube.
March 19th, 2009 at 11:42 am
Hate to say it, but this barely skims the surface of SkyMall’s vast offerings of bizarre bric-a-brac. Perhaps they are counting on their clientele being too drugged up from Dramamine and beverage service to notice.
March 6th, 2009 at 4:56 pm
I’m really starting to love this new “website plug/comment spam”
The ones like “Do you like Pandas, Milkshakes, Robots, and Jesus…THEN I’VE GOT A SITE FOR YOU!
http://www.pandamilkshaketrobotjesus.com-Why not?
March 4th, 2009 at 1:31 pm
this was awesome. made me laugh a lot… i laughed more when i tought that comeone might but this type of shit. oh, we love our consumism
January 16th, 2009 at 7:37 pm
Hey those nose clips are actually really handy. A friend who works in an E.R. uses them and gave me a bunch because I get frequent nosebleeds from the dry air and have no time to sit around pinching my nose if it acts up while I’m at work.
December 8th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
[...] misanthropic LJ bitching and focus on…erm, focusing. Alas, Ross Wolinsky over at Cracked.com got the good word out to the masses, while my stuff lurked in friends-only [...]
November 23rd, 2008 at 11:28 am
I have the perfect slogan for the noseclip.
“Noseclip: Because were too farking good to use our fingers”
July 23rd, 2008 at 12:03 am
I think the marshmallow gun should have been on this list.
July 18th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
This guy is ugly!! He is dating a famous rich woman on the top sugar dating site ^Black s u g a r m o m m y^co m, and the nice car he drives was a gift from that woman. He can make a perfect sugarbaby!!!!
July 1st, 2008 at 12:43 pm
http://www.macgill.com/productDetail.aspx?catId=12&subcatId=146&product=9961
3.99 for the 24.95 noseclip.
June 27th, 2008 at 11:17 pm
this is the funniest damn thing i’ve read since oren’s year end review. hilarious!
June 18th, 2008 at 2:04 am
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102518628 if there were a special olympics for useless crap, this thing would be the one armed kenyan sprinter.
June 17th, 2008 at 6:08 pm
simply chat with me
at
http://www.olegator.com
i can obey your every whim…
i have my webcam and my mic, and sure u can call me if u want te live talk:P
June 14th, 2008 at 9:49 pm
I agree. The Bigfoot lawn statue is awesome.
@glendoor: It would probably be better to stick with the black knee sock/sandels fashion statement and work way up to old guy jumpsuit. You should totally get the bigfoot statue! You could stage mock battles between it and your robotic R2D2 projector.
June 14th, 2008 at 6:26 am
For shame, cracked! You could have made at least 25 entries in this series without breaking a sweat.
Case in point, a $500 Hot Dog cart. Woo Woo. http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102530051&c=10520
June 13th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
That is some of the dumbest shit in retail.
I am convinced that very wealthy people are actually a type of idiot savant. They’re really good at earning and stockpiling the money, but are utterly useless in every other area of life.
You could visit a chicken house, scoop the chicken shit into little individual sandwich bags and sell the shit for $20 per bag, under the guise of “art” or “raw biomass - COMPLETELY GREEN!” and you would not be able to keep up with the demand for chicken shit. People are just that damned stupid.
June 13th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
Money can buy many good things. but it cannot bring me love. I am a rich big beauty but still single now. And I am seeking my Mr. Right __ PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love together! want to knwo me?
June 13th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
At work we have a patron Yeti watching over our group. The Group Supervisor oredered it from Skymail, he named ours Eddie, Eddie the Yeti.
June 13th, 2008 at 1:19 pm
[...] today, Grant tossed out this link to “The 5 Most Ridiculous SkyMall Products Money Can Buy” at Cracked.com, and after I finished laughing, I unpacked the catalog from my daypack. I looked [...]
June 13th, 2008 at 10:43 am
I actually am considering the signed Soup Nazi photo. I’ve spent 200.00 on much more stupid items than that.
June 13th, 2008 at 7:25 am
I built a fish tank coffee table in woodwork at school… About 15 years ago.
Mmm. That isn’t dating that concept at all…
June 13th, 2008 at 5:52 am
The bakery manager at the grocery store I work at always has a damned bluetooth thing in his ear…we call him RoboBaker
June 12th, 2008 at 11:20 pm
The Hula Chair … easily the most useless invention of all time.
June 12th, 2008 at 8:53 pm
I need to make a correction on the above story…
The coolest Garden statues in the world,shown above, do not originate at Skymall but DesignToscano.com
We here at Toscano love your site. We check it out almost every day. I must say the chaps at Toscano look for, design and create one of a kind artwork! I am proud of Toscanos unique collection of garden art. I truly feel it has something for everyone.
Toscano takes great pains in designing and sculpting every piece with great detail and quality materials (designer resin and hand painting).
I should know because I am one of their senior staff sculptors. I specialize in dragons and mystic art. Check me out!
http://www.designtoscano.com/product/dragon+and+gargoyle/gargoyle
+garden+statues/gaston%2C+the+gothic+climber+sculpture+-+medium+-
+ng832115.do
Also this is our hit of the garden season 08. We call it Meerkat mainia
http://www.designtoscano.com/product/code/DB32136.do
Check us out everyone, were not your mothers Walmart!
Love your site!
Cheers!
Liam Manchester
June 12th, 2008 at 8:04 pm
The bigfoot lawn ornament is awesome. I must have it.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
Have you seen the Komfort Kollar? It looks like they stole the idea of the neck-belt from the Onion movie.
June 12th, 2008 at 6:55 pm
i just came across http://stuffididlastnight.com
HILARIOUS!!!
June 12th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
i would totally buy the chair.
im a lazy bum, i would buy a couch for my computer if i could goddamn afford it
June 12th, 2008 at 5:47 pm
OMG! There is a multi million dollar house down the road with beautiful grounds. It has 2 of those giraffes! I wondered where they came from!
June 12th, 2008 at 4:23 pm
[...] Via lucky, it’s worth perusing The 5 Most Ridiculous SkyMall Products Money Can Buy. [...]
June 12th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
WTF!?!
The really funny thing is that there are people out there who actually buy these things!
And above, I mean “funny = bizarre,” not “funny = haha…”
June 12th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I don’t know what skymall charges for the nose clamps but you cab get by the handfull for free at your local ER
June 12th, 2008 at 3:23 pm
I love reading the skymall catalogs on the plane…just cuz their hilarious, I’ve never actually bought stuff from it…but this totally should have been a much longer list cuz I’ve seen some crazy shit
June 12th, 2008 at 1:26 pm
i am a huge fan of skymall and read it often, and though i loved this list i was a little disappointed that the solar-powered talking bible wasn’t on it.
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102475583&c=
June 12th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
I don’t need a nose amplifier. Mine is plenty big already. Oh, wait. You said, “NOISE amplifier”??? Wel, that’s a different thing altogether, isn’t it? I’ll take three. One for each ear.
June 12th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
hey, I also saw many hot sexy videos and other funy stuff @ PlusMeet.c o m. Many big boob women and big booty women uploaded their hot photos&videos there. U will not be disappointed!
June 12th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
You totally missed the sopworth camel airplane propeller.
June 12th, 2008 at 12:37 pm
What’s wrong with the Soup Nazi photo, other than $200!! I wouldn’t spend that much on it, but it would be a good addition to any wet bar area or man room.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:18 am
[...] to be pretty cool, but some stuff is just plain crazy. For those crazy things, there’s an absolutely hilarious article about the five most ridiculous ones. I was laughing for a good five minutes when I read this [...]
June 12th, 2008 at 11:12 am
@ hotsexyBBW “Money is important, but it cannot bring us love
Wanna bet, see my above comments about what I’m gonna do with my income tax refund.
June 12th, 2008 at 11:05 am
I’m amused by the hula chair claim of incorporating “Traditional Chinese Medicine.”
Being at a TCM school, I think they would’ve told us about hip gyrations by now.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:19 am
I think I’m gonna fuck you all in the neck about 6 or 7 times.
June 12th, 2008 at 10:03 am
Money is important, but it cannot bring us love. Am a rich sexy big beauty, but now am still single and seeking my dream one @__PlusMeet.c o m____, where many big boob womne, big booty women and big manful guys mingle and seek fun&love. want to hook up with me?
June 12th, 2008 at 9:04 am
eek_the_geek knows whats up:
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102531784
June 12th, 2008 at 8:44 am
Hey, do you still have a profile on ‘Ric hkiss. com’? I saw it days ago. And there were many nice pics of you. I love them. Are you still there?
June 12th, 2008 at 8:37 am
i lovvvvvvveeee SkyMall; it’s the funniest junk ever. My favorites include the kitty litter box thats disguised as a giant house plant and also the pet feeder that has a webcam connected to it so you can watch you pet eat from any where in the world! Ingenious!
I’d like to be the CEO of SkyMall, it’s probably so easy.
June 12th, 2008 at 8:24 am
You left out my personal favorite: the large passenger car dummy for “female safety” and the HOV lane
June 12th, 2008 at 7:30 am
The Sasquatch lawn ornament is cool, but it would be so much cooler with his in the Heisman trophy pose. That, I would buy.
And pink flamingos. I really do dig those. Especially since you can put little santa hats on them in December.
June 12th, 2008 at 7:14 am
[...] The 5 Most Ridiculous SkyMall Products Money Can Buy (Story/Pics) [...]
June 12th, 2008 at 5:56 am
You know I was gonna comment on how all those products seem awesome… at first. Then not so awesome on reconsideration.
I’d rather just say <3@Glendoor42. Mrs Glendoor42 clearly has no idea how lucky she is to have an R2D2 projector in her home. I would pay good money to experience R2D2 cinema!
June 12th, 2008 at 2:56 am
I also have a lightsaber, by god.
June 12th, 2008 at 2:52 am
@ Hei, I wasn’t talking shit about the R2D2 projector as soon as my income tax refund gets here, I’m getting one, seriously.
June 12th, 2008 at 2:30 am
Before long you’ll be running the place, and people will come into your office and be like “No soup for you… right, sir?” and you’ll be like, “You think I have time to sit around quoting Seinfeld with you, Bill? You’re fired - get the fuck out of my office.”
I want to be that boss!
June 12th, 2008 at 1:15 am
Ha! 20/20 hearing. I wonder if anybody else caught that one…
And don’t talk shit about the R2D2 projector, glendoor42, it’s fucking badass.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:59 pm
Whenever I see stuff like this, I feel so unenterprising that I didn’t think of selling clthespins for $24.95. I guess more power to the people who did…
http://death-sentences.blogspot.com/
June 11th, 2008 at 11:18 pm
[...] Luckily for us, the guys as Cracked.com have compiled a list of the 5 Most Rediculous SkyMall Products Money Can Buy. [...]
June 11th, 2008 at 10:43 pm
Money can buy many good things. but it cannot bring me love. I am rich big beauty but still single now. And I am seeking my Mr. Right __ PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love together! want to knwo me?
June 11th, 2008 at 10:08 pm
[...] Via Cracked [...]
June 11th, 2008 at 9:44 pm
I’m sorry, but you failed to include what is unequivocally the most pointless, outlandish item in SkyMall…
The giant propeller (WTF?)
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102103879
June 11th, 2008 at 9:21 pm
On a related topic, I’ve just perfected the marshmallow sniper rifle. I aim to thoroughly scare/confuse the crap out of my fellow citizens.
June 11th, 2008 at 9:10 pm
Well just fuck me, I’ve been makng those marshmellow guns out of pvc pipe for years now and selling them to make extra money at Christmas time. Of couse I say they shoot snowman poop.
SkyMall will be hearing from my attorneys.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:50 pm
All right, my bad. This is what I get for getting my comedy from far too few sources…
June 11th, 2008 at 8:42 pm
HM: don’t forget Jezebel, Panda Smash, Orbiting Frog, Cult Punk, and the Sky Mall Product Review Blog. I ripped all of them off, too!
June 11th, 2008 at 8:14 pm
20/20 Hearing? Man, Skymall and LSD both make you “see” sounds!
June 11th, 2008 at 8:05 pm
Cracked, I love ya, I really do, but the ripping off of SomethingAwful has just got to stop.
http://www.somethingawful.com/d/guides/skymall-guide-part1.php
Come on guys, it was a seven-part series on one of the most popular comedy websites around that you’ve been accused of ripping off before. How could you not notice this?
June 11th, 2008 at 7:06 pm
greengoddess: I was thinking pretty much along the same lines. Never again will I have to explain to the repair man why I keep putting my bowling ball in the washing machine…
June 11th, 2008 at 4:55 pm
Oh…my…god. Humanity has just reached beyond the epitome of stupidity. The Hawaii Chair…no words….to describe how much that infomercial hurt my soul.
June 11th, 2008 at 4:22 pm
Oh my God, that Hawaii Chair ad blew my mind. Didn’t you guys write something about The Whatever Most Ridiculously Ridiculous Infomercials? I think an entire article could be devoted to that one alone, in a shot-by-shot analysis of its utter hilarity.
June 11th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
you forgot the eez-read 4-pack http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102632177&c=&v=&cm_sp=Recommend-_-YMAL-_-ProductPage102632177
June 11th, 2008 at 3:13 pm
“Who needs friends when you’ve got futuristic (fyoo-churistic) fashion?”
When you’ve got the ultimate fashion climax, friends come to you!
June 11th, 2008 at 2:59 pm
Damn, wiglaf, I wish that ad were still good. I’d love a short-sleeved one piece in rust colour. Who needs friends when you’ve got futuristic (fyoo-churistic) fashion?
June 11th, 2008 at 2:47 pm
“How could you guys forget the coffee table fishtank?”
Those things are amazing though. I once watched a documentary on a guy who actually built them, I can’t imagine PETA loves the idea of fish as decoration.
June 11th, 2008 at 2:41 pm
How could you guys forget the coffee table fishtank?
June 11th, 2008 at 2:36 pm
When using the HulaChair within 48 hours of consuming burritos and/or cabbage, it is always good policy to distribute NoseAids to any nearby co-workers. If the user wishes to lighten the mood at the office, on an especially brutal Monday for example, they could instead pass out Stealth Secret Sound Amplifiers.
June 11th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Hey, did anyone else think that that guy wearing the one-piece looked a lot like Stephen King…. A really young Stephen King????
June 11th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
Wanna look like you’re dry humping your chair at work? It’ll creep out your co-workers and guarantee they won’t come and talk to you! Thanks, Skymall!
June 11th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
What about the marshmallow cannon. I forget the exact name but it holds up to thirty large marshmallows. It’s a pretty cool idea, but I’m not sure exactly who needs this and why it has to be marshmallows.
June 11th, 2008 at 1:48 pm
I wonder if the hula chair comes with any “attachments.” Does it vibrate too? How does a hula fuck chair make the most ridiculous list? Jesus, why don’t I own one already? I’m thinking of ordering one for every room in my house.
June 11th, 2008 at 1:20 pm
Make money just to surf the web.
http://www.surfjunky.com/?r=cul8818
June 11th, 2008 at 1:10 pm
Money can buy many good things. but it cannot bring me love. I am rich big beauty but still single now. And I am seeking my Mr. Right @ PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love together! Hope it will work for me!
June 11th, 2008 at 1:03 pm
I wrote about this 4 months ago. Check it here:
http://bubblegumrocketship.blogspot.com/2008/02/come-fly-with-me-to-land-of-consumerism.html
June 11th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
I defy any man here to watch that hula chair vid and NOT entertain the notion of themselves naked with some naked hottie in his lap.*
*Bullshit. You did, too and you KNOW you did. Fuckin’ liar.
As for the Sasquatch lawn ornament I wonder if one could get lawn ornaments of the Beatles so I can do a kind of Abbey Road thing.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:55 am
Look throught the Skymall catalog. Notice something about the adds? No black people.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:23 am
” If gravity is everywhere, why can’t you push a fat dog down the stairs ? ” quote from M. Berneathy
June 11th, 2008 at 11:11 am
Bloody hell, they have a Fat Bastard lawn ornament, and you are too uppity to like it? Hope it has mechanized farting machine inside and a corned poop ornament as add-on.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:10 am
On the page with the hawaii chair video, if you scroll down the list of related videos, you can enjoy the treat of seeing “Ryan Seacrest gives Ellen Degeneres a dildo”. I want a lawn ornament that captures that great moment in history, so that I, too, can be the envy of my friends and neighbors.
June 11th, 2008 at 11:01 am
Glendoor, that’s exactly what he says about those glasses too. Haven’t you guys heard of clip-ons? Though I admit they’re probably harder to keep up with.
Damn, Wiglaf; you were wrong for that. I swear, it’s almost impossible to look at any ad from the 70’s anymore without just straight up laughing my ass off. Though, in truth, I’d rather be there than here.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:59 am
I have to agree. The NECKpro Traction Device is ridiculous looking. The included picture shows a man who appears to be hanging himself in the gentlest way possible; one click at a time.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Are you man enough to fill it?
June 11th, 2008 at 10:47 am
glendoor42,
You just don’t understand. You’re not cool until you’re wearing a one piece:
http://www.whoknows.com.au/oneeasypiece.jpg
June 11th, 2008 at 10:45 am
Those lawn ornaments should be great fodder for WZZM news broadcasts. I mean, Jesus was good, but what if someone sumonapped your sumo wrestler for ransom? I mean, that’s big! Really big!
June 11th, 2008 at 10:29 am
I really do need the ear amplifier. I don’t hear well. ( I’ve been around loud noises all of my adult life). I also wear the oversized black “old man” sunglasses as well because they’re the only ones that will fit over my glasses.( But I will be so cool when I get my HD vision glasses that I ordered off TV. )
I did however tell my wife and kids to shoot me if I ever wear one of those old man one piece jumpsuits.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:17 am
Holy shit, my dad totally bought one of those ear amplifiers about two weeks ago. I’ll let y’all guess which of those two profiles he fits. He’s got the oversized black “old man” sunglasses as well; can’t wait for him to wear them both at the same time. Sad thing is, he gets more action than I do. Maybe I shouldn’t be making fun of this shit and just whipping out the credit card myself.
June 11th, 2008 at 10:13 am
clever, how they showed all the old people enjoying the sound of their hips breaking as they gyrate in ways they could only have dreamed of since that time they were visiting their friend and said friend’s bigfoot lawn ornament scared the shit out of them causing the fall that instigated their need for hip replacement surgery
June 11th, 2008 at 9:40 am
I would try to see if i could get Bigfoot holding the 10 Commandments.
June 11th, 2008 at 9:17 am
I agree with Glendoor, that Bigfoot lawn ornament is inspired.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:51 am
ummm….slanket?
June 11th, 2008 at 8:35 am
Now, if that Sumo statute was really a cover up Intelligent Surveillance & Security Guard Robot (http://www.cracked.com/article_16364_science-dick-5-most-evil-robots-ever-invented.html), I’d be happy to buy 4 of them and place it so their fire zones overlap.
June 11th, 2008 at 8:20 am
I love Skymall. This one though is my favourite:
http://www.skymall.com/shopping/detail.htm?pid=102244915&c=&v=&ddi=/products/22/18/06/102244915gx1.jpg
I always wanted to put myself in traction and screw asking my doctor - I’ll just do it myself thank you…..
June 11th, 2008 at 8:06 am
I think you missed the point of the noise amplifier but in case you were only being sarcastic I will let it slide.
As for the Hawaii Chair…WTF! Could you see being in a meeting with your boss while his hips are swiveling around in his chair? How could you concentrate if every time you stopped by to chat with the hot receptionist she was gyrating around non-chalantly? And I love how the people in the infomercial were trying to grab files and notepads while their bodies were vibrating. Must have taken 3-4 takes for that to look good.
June 11th, 2008 at 7:42 am
Hey, I have the NoseAid. I’ve got like a hundred of them. I only paid a few cents apiece, though. I use them to hold up my laundry.
I recently flipped through SkyMall while returning from my vacation at the end of May. Whiel reading, I thought to myself: Self, it would be nice to have the disposable income, and disposable brain cells, necessary to buy half the crap in this catalogue.
June 11th, 2008 at 7:36 am
The NoseAid would be a horrible device for finishing off a joint. Do your research, cracked!
June 11th, 2008 at 7:32 am
Money can buy many good things. but it cannot bring me love. I am rich but still single now. And I am seeking my Mr. Right @ PlusMeet.c o m___, where many big boob women, big booty women and big manful guys meet and seek fun&love together! Hope it will work for me!
June 11th, 2008 at 7:32 am
Holy God Allah, I would love a sound amplifier. Think of all the gossip I’ll be hearing/creating. I can make sure my parents never catch me jerking off in my room from across the house. And I can look like a half-Robocop shirtless college student (i’m usually shirtless; Malaysia is hot).
Also regarding Malaysia, we have a dish called ‘nasi berlauk’ (’rice with non-rice stuff’). One lady selling this near my mom’s hometown is a jerk. so we call her Nazi Berlauk. Don’t think she watches Seinfeld, though.
The lawn ornament: I would only buy one of Optimus Prime or a Big Daddy, thank you.
June 11th, 2008 at 7:28 am
glendoor mate you’re disturbing me.
June 11th, 2008 at 7:27 am
God is an iron.
June 11th, 2008 at 7:17 am
You left out my personal favorite: the large passenger car dummy for “female safety” and the HOV lane
June 11th, 2008 at 6:45 am
I totally buying that Big Foot Garden Sculpture. I probably ( read as do) need that stealth secret sound amplifier. I could hear my neighbors talk about my wonderful taste in yard
ornaments. I could hear my wife talk talk to her friend on her cell phone as she pulls up in the driveway and says
“If that overgrown five year old excuse of a husband of mine has put that tacky Bigfoot in my yard I’m going to have to go to Casnadia again and see my suave sophisticated boy toy kingmonkey +1 and that will show him”
Let her go because I will have my lightsaber and my R2D2 projection TV and a fucking Bigfoot in my front yard.
June 11th, 2008 at 6:06 am
Those lawn ornaments are amazing, they just scream “vandalize me bitch! Come on, you too chicken?”