There's no shortage of products out there for the discerning consumer... and then there's all THIS crap. Thanks, Skymall.
Product #5: NoseAid
WHAT IT DOES: "No need to hold the nose. By gently applying pressure to the outside of the nose, NoseAid stops nosebleeds instantly!"
WHAT IT COSTS: $24.95
WHY YOU NEED IT: Sure, you're a good parent, but admit it: all that blood coming out of your son's nose is GROSS. You don't want to TOUCH THAT, do you?! Not only is it gnarly, but how is he supposed to learn how to be independent if you're always helping him out? By using NoseAid, not only will you wean your child off relying on "mommy" for help, but you'll also teach him a valuable lesson: Most of life's problems can be solved with a $25 clothespin.
But NoseAid isn't just for noses! Try using it on your own arm to make sure you're not just dreaming about this amazing product (hint: you're not)! Use it to hold a burned-down joint, or to pinch your little sister when she threatens to tell your parents that you're using NoseAid to hold a burned-down joint! With NoseAid, pinching stuff with your fingers is a thing of the past!
Product #4: A Baffling Array Of Lawn Ornaments
WHAT IT DOES: Makes your house look like it's occupied by a complete lunatic. One with fantastic taste in decorating.
WHAT IT COSTS: $50 - $895
WHY YOU NEED IT: Are you sick and tired of animal pests digging up your prizewinning rutabagas and gallivanting about in your backyard? Maybe you need a ceramic sasquatch, 8-foot-tall giraffe, or "muscular god of the sea" to scare them away! Fed up with catching horny teenagers necking behind your tomato plants? Throw St. Francis back there to spoil the mood, or if that doesn't work, these Ten Commandments tablets will have them zipping up and praying for forgiveness in no time!
And for you, the avid gardener and sumo wrestling enthusiast? Did you really think they wouldn't have a product to suit your needs? Think again - it's Skymall.
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