Millions of us are so terrified of or disinterested in having kids that we'll literally never do it. But the world's population keeps inflating like a balloon because there are plenty of people at the opposite end of that spectrum. Way, way at the opposite end.
Let's say that for reasons known only to the fertility gods, you and your spouse are unable to have children. After weighing your options, you determine that kidnapping a baby from a mall is too prosaic, so you go with the next best option: fertility treatments. You find a doctor who makes arrangements for artificial insemination. What in the name of heaven and earth could possibly go wrong?
This guy, that's what. Your doctor is a madman, and his weapon is his own ejaculate.
"You should probably just get the funnel."
During the '70s and '80s, hundreds of infertile women came to see Dr. Cecil Jacobson, especially since his own eight kids demonstrated that he knew what he was doing, baby-making wise. What they didn't know was that instead of hooking couples up with the anonymous donors created in his fictional profiles, Dr. Jizzenstein yanked into a cup, then put his man milk in his patients' lady parts. Again. And again. And again. Even when it was supposed to be the husband's sperm. But, hell, why would you want some dude's inferior genes when you could have your baby grow up to look like this:
"Jabba, can I have your autograph?"
It wasn't until Jacobson was accused of treating women with hormones to make them think they were pregnant (when he was really just showing them ultrasounds of their own feces) that people started to suspect there was something fishy about the doctor. And that was when people started noticing their kids' resemblance to the man, at which point countless couples looked at each other and said, "You don't really think ...? No, it can't be ...
This is the evolutionary equivalent of steroid use in professional sports.
In 1989, 10 couples came forward with their own suspicions, and it was soon discovered that the donors of the fertility program were members of an elite group: Jacobson's right hand, some lotion and petri dishes. Seventeen children had their DNA tested, and only two were not Jacobson's children, but those are just the kids of the parents who weren't too skittish or horrified to come forward. He is believed to have fathered at least 75. Those first eight his wife birthed were just the starter kit; the rest were his secret clone army.
For most of us, hitting age 29 is a pretty big milestone, mainly because we've got one more year to make horrible tattoo and piercing decisions before it just gets pathetic. For Desmond Hatchett, it was around age 29 that he realized he'd made a lifetime of horrible decisions, but with his dick. Because before he even hit his third decade, Des "The Sperminator" Hatchett had already fathered 21 babies with, wait for it ...
... 11 different women.
If you ever doubted the value of sex education, let the ragged, defeated face of Desmond Hatchett be your reminder. It turns out Desmond is pretty good at making two things: people and minimum wage. And he started on the first one when he was only 18. Can you imagine having four kids in one year ... twice? Desmond Hatchett can. Because he did exactly that -- he once fathered eight children in two years. Somebody call TLC to do a show about this dude!
"Condoms are sort of uncomfortable, so this seemed the most logical choice."
While some of us would have mini-strokes at the thought of siring more kids than we have fingers, Desmond takes the whole fatherhood thing in stride. "It just happened," he says, shrugging it off. Almost two dozen children, magically springing into existence with almost no effort of his own. And the weirdest part was that no one was fully aware of Desmond's rampant baby-making until Tennessee authorities noticed how many times his name kept popping up on their delinquent child support registers.
That was when everyone realized that Tennessee law will only claim a maximum of 50 percent of a person's salary for child support. Splitting half of Desmond's minimum wage earnings 21 ways means that some of his kids only end up with $1.98 a month.
"How much crack can I buy with this many?"
But don't worry, guys. Desmond's status as a good dad is secure, because he claims he knows all his kids' birthdays and names. But that might only be because he knows that a few years from now every Father's Day is going to be like winning the damned lottery.
As you're probably already aware, there are cultures all over the world that are still cool with polygamy. Maybe it's not your cup of tea, but hey, live and let live, right? Well, unless making children for the sake of hitting an arbitrary milestone is your ultimate goal in life.
Ladies, meet Daad Mohammed Al Balushi.
If you've had a baby in the last couple of years, there's a good chance you've already met him.
A one-legged polygamist in the Middle East set his sights on the seemingly impossible: fathering 100 children by the year 2015. And at the age of 64, he's already close to reaching his goal.
In 2011, Balushi and his enormous brood of 92 were spread among 17 houses in Ajman, within the United Arab Emirates. Shariah law only allows a maximum of four wives at a time, but that hasn't put a damper on Balushi's people-manufacturing operation. He has happily embraced serial divorce and remarriage, with 18 wives and exes under his belt and more to come. And just to show that he's a nice guy, each divorced wife is cared for financially and has her own family home.
Wait, is that Fred Armisen?
And Big Daady's personal population explosion isn't just for his own benefit, either. In 2002, Balushi was honored by Shaikh Zayed of Ajman for having so many children. At the celebration, he made the promise that he would produce 100 children by 2015, a promise he has not taken lightly. The new Shaikh continues to support Balushi's endeavors, paying all expenses for the marriage to his 18th wife. But according to Balushi's own words, she probably shouldn't get too cozy:
"I never eat frozen or canned food. I always go for the fresh -- in fact, my wives are also fresh, because I never marry a divorcee or widow."
"Just keep the dresses on, kids. I'll be back."