The 6 Craziest People Who Are Overpopulating the World
Millions of us are so terrified of or disinterested in having kids that we'll literally never do it. But the world's population keeps inflating like a balloon because there are plenty of people at the opposite end of that spectrum. Way, way at the opposite end.
The Fertility Doc With 75 Secret Kids
Let's say that for reasons known only to the fertility gods, you and your spouse are unable to have children. After weighing your options, you determine that kidnapping a baby from a mall is too prosaic, so you go with the next best option: fertility treatments. You find a doctor who makes arrangements for artificial insemination. What in the name of heaven and earth could possibly go wrong?
This guy, that's what. Your doctor is a madman, and his weapon is his own ejaculate.
"You should probably just get the funnel."
During the '70s and '80s, hundreds of infertile women came to see Dr. Cecil Jacobson, especially since his own eight kids demonstrated that he knew what he was doing, baby-making wise. What they didn't know was that instead of hooking couples up with the anonymous donors created in his fictional profiles, Dr. Jizzenstein yanked into a cup, then put his man milk in his patients' lady parts. Again. And again. And again. Even when it was supposed to be the husband's sperm. But, hell, why would you want some dude's inferior genes when you could have your baby grow up to look like this:
"Jabba, can I have your autograph?"
It wasn't until Jacobson was accused of treating women with hormones to make them think they were pregnant (when he was really just showing them ultrasounds of their own feces) that people started to suspect there was something fishy about the doctor. And that was when people started noticing their kids' resemblance to the man, at which point countless couples looked at each other and said, "You don't really think ...? No, it can't be ...
This is the evolutionary equivalent of steroid use in professional sports.
In 1989, 10 couples came forward with their own suspicions, and it was soon discovered that the donors of the fertility program were members of an elite group: Jacobson's right hand, some lotion and petri dishes. Seventeen children had their DNA tested, and only two were not Jacobson's children, but those are just the kids of the parents who weren't too skittish or horrified to come forward. He is believed to have fathered at least 75. Those first eight his wife birthed were just the starter kit; the rest were his secret clone army.
The Guy With 21 Kids by 11 Different Moms
For most of us, hitting age 29 is a pretty big milestone, mainly because we've got one more year to make horrible tattoo and piercing decisions before it just gets pathetic. For Desmond Hatchett, it was around age 29 that he realized he'd made a lifetime of horrible decisions, but with his dick. Because before he even hit his third decade, Des "The Sperminator" Hatchett had already fathered 21 babies with, wait for it ...
... 11 different women.
If you ever doubted the value of sex education, let the ragged, defeated face of Desmond Hatchett be your reminder. It turns out Desmond is pretty good at making two things: people and minimum wage. And he started on the first one when he was only 18. Can you imagine having four kids in one year ... twice? Desmond Hatchett can. Because he did exactly that -- he once fathered eight children in two years. Somebody call TLC to do a show about this dude!
"Condoms are sort of uncomfortable, so this seemed the most logical choice."
While some of us would have mini-strokes at the thought of siring more kids than we have fingers, Desmond takes the whole fatherhood thing in stride. "It just happened," he says, shrugging it off. Almost two dozen children, magically springing into existence with almost no effort of his own. And the weirdest part was that no one was fully aware of Desmond's rampant baby-making until Tennessee authorities noticed how many times his name kept popping up on their delinquent child support registers.
That was when everyone realized that Tennessee law will only claim a maximum of 50 percent of a person's salary for child support. Splitting half of Desmond's minimum wage earnings 21 ways means that some of his kids only end up with $1.98 a month.
"How much crack can I buy with this many?"
But don't worry, guys. Desmond's status as a good dad is secure, because he claims he knows all his kids' birthdays and names. But that might only be because he knows that a few years from now every Father's Day is going to be like winning the damned lottery.
Daad and His 100-Baby Project
As you're probably already aware, there are cultures all over the world that are still cool with polygamy. Maybe it's not your cup of tea, but hey, live and let live, right? Well, unless making children for the sake of hitting an arbitrary milestone is your ultimate goal in life.
Ladies, meet Daad Mohammed Al Balushi.
If you've had a baby in the last couple of years, there's a good chance you've already met him.
A one-legged polygamist in the Middle East set his sights on the seemingly impossible: fathering 100 children by the year 2015. And at the age of 64, he's already close to reaching his goal.
In 2011, Balushi and his enormous brood of 92 were spread among 17 houses in Ajman, within the United Arab Emirates. Shariah law only allows a maximum of four wives at a time, but that hasn't put a damper on Balushi's people-manufacturing operation. He has happily embraced serial divorce and remarriage, with 18 wives and exes under his belt and more to come. And just to show that he's a nice guy, each divorced wife is cared for financially and has her own family home.
Wait, is that Fred Armisen?
And Big Daady's personal population explosion isn't just for his own benefit, either. In 2002, Balushi was honored by Shaikh Zayed of Ajman for having so many children. At the celebration, he made the promise that he would produce 100 children by 2015, a promise he has not taken lightly. The new Shaikh continues to support Balushi's endeavors, paying all expenses for the marriage to his 18th wife. But according to Balushi's own words, she probably shouldn't get too cozy:
"I never eat frozen or canned food. I always go for the fresh -- in fact, my wives are also fresh, because I never marry a divorcee or widow."
"Just keep the dresses on, kids. I'll be back."
The Sperm Donor With Over 400 Likely Children
In the late '70s, Kirk Maxey was a pretty bright medical student having a hard time making ends meet. He was also the husband of a fertility clinic nurse who was sick of ramen dinners three nights a week. His wife suggested he start donating sperm to the clinic, both for profit and for fun. And that's the story of how handsome, blond, blue-eyed, educated Kirk Maxey funded his medical research by giving of himself twice a week for 14 years.
The rest of his time was spent in an exhausted stupor.
You'd think that at some point in the decade-plus-four-years of masturbating into a cup twice a week, this doctor who was smart enough to start his own biomedical research company and serve as a consultant to some of the world's biggest pharmaceutical companies would have taken a second to consider the consequences of all this wanking. After all, back in those days, sperm banks weren't keeping good tabs on who was getting what. Years after he'd left his career in professional boner massage, he settled down and began to raise his own traditionally conceived children. Then he sat down to do the math:
"His calculations, rows of long numbers on a yellow sticky note fastened to his computer, show he has donated 172,920,000,000 spermatazoa split into 2,161 vials. Using a 20 percent success rate, that equals 432 births."
"Where do babies come from? Well, son, first you get a vial ..."
And this was after two of his now grown daughters came forward to connect with him. OK, now get this: Maxey made most of these donations at the same clinic in Southeast Michigan. If he really had 432 kids over 14 years, we can imagine there was an average of 30 births a year. This sticky little wicket wasn't lost on the good doctor:
"I have a son that lives in the area and most of the patients came from a 100- or 150-mile radius of the area. If you do math, again, there may be 100 young women that are basically my son's age that are his half-siblings. I have to tell him there is an awful lot of your brothers and sisters that you don't know and I don't know."
That is, there's a great chance he might wind up accidentally dating one of his siblings.
"I don't know what it is, but every time I'm with you, I just have to puke."
Incest opportunities aside, the good news is that Maxey has become a vocal advocate for stricter sperm bank regulation. He's also mapped out his genome online in an attempt to notify and caution his multitude of offspring. He even had himself completely checked out for any possible genetic defects and found zero problems, other than that one gene that drove him to chronically masturbate into specimen jars for 14 years.
Some women are just born mothers. Well, not born mothers, because ewww, but you know what we mean. They enjoy pregnancy, love their kids, pop out a few more humans than the rest of us and have extra stretchy bellies under their oversized sweatshirts. Usually they hit a point where enough is enough and they move on. But not the rare pregnancy addicts known as "bumpaholics." These are women who get pregnant for the pleasure of pregnancy, babies be damned.
For nine months nobody can be around her for more than six seconds at a time.
An addiction to pregnancy seems counterintuitive, what with all the morning upchuck, hormonal calamity and general fatness that accompanies it (not to mention that from what we've heard it hurts a bit toward the end). But for some women, that's when they get their kicks. British surrogate mom Jill Hawkins, for example, has had 10 babies ... and kept none. She's just really into leasing her womb, and also the $18,000 she gets for each rugrat she squirts out. But don't think for one second that this is just a savvy lady using her own innards for a profit. Hawkins has been treated for depression, threatened suicide in the past and expressed a desire to be impregnated two more times before she hits the big 5-0. When asked by a reporter as to why she didn't have any children of her own, she responded that, "I never want to keep them. I'm not maternal and very selfish."
"But without being pregnant, I'd never be able to wear this shirt."
And she's not even the big winner of the uterus-for-hire game. Carole Horlock (also of the U.K.) has produced 12 children in 13 years as a surrogate mother, and after delivering triplets in 2008 remarked, "I've never had a problem handing the babies over." Meanwhile, she and her father are no longer on speaking terms because dad is distraught over the whole thing. As he sees it, she's giving all his grandchildren away.
"Well, that and she's really fucking crazy."
The World's Most Open-Minded Family
Long ago, Luiz Costa de Oliveira of Brazil married a young senorita named Francisca. The two immediately started producing offspring at a pace that probably earned him a knowing wink and nod from the neighborhood rabbits. Francisca would tragically pass away before reaching her full potential, but left Luiz with an impressive 17 children.
Luckily, Luiz found love again with a new wife, Maria, and she allowed him to pick up right where he left off. The new marriage would eventually result in a tie with the late Francisca's mark, with Maria also bringing forth 17 new humans. The family brood was now 34, and Maria was clearly going to need a little help with the logistical issues of industrial scale PB&J production and fecal containment. Here's where things went a little nuts.
Her uterus exploded.
Overwhelmed and undersmart, Maria asked her sister Ozelita to the farm to help out. What she didn't count on was Luiz's unrepentant penis pumping, because it wasn't too long before Ozelita came down with a bad case of the pregnants. Fifteen times, all while the three of them were living under the same roof. Maria just couldn't stay mad at Luiz, apparently; the man just loved the ladies, as evidenced in an interview where he proclaimed, "The thing that God made best in the world was woman."
If you've been keeping track, you'll find we're at 49 babies at this point. As amazing as this number is, Luiz surely must have felt some disappointment at coming in just one shy of the half-century mark. Luckily, there was one more eligible female in the house who had yet to swoon for Luiz's girthy charms. As if this scenario wasn't already enough of a Penthouse Forum letter for you, Maria and Ozelia's mother also succumbed to Luiz's grunty temptations and bore him one more child. Yay! Fifty!
That's her there in the blue, looking like she's ready to get to work on number 51 right now.
These days, Luiz is in his 90s and is pretty much retired from carnal canoodling: "I hardly make love anymore these days, even though I'm in good health." Please take note there that he said "hardly" anymore, not "never." An honest man, Luiz admitted that no way in hell could he remember all his children's names, let alone the more than 100 grandchildren and 30 great-grandchildren, not to mention the ones he may have had and never knew anything about: "I could even have other children and not know it because I always liked to go out with women." "Go out with" in this sense meaning "bone relentlessly."
You can contact Meg at firstname.lastname@example.org for any writing opportunities.
For more insane people who shouldn't reproduce, check out 7 Athletes Who Had More Crazy Than Talent and 4 Instructional Videos Made By and For Crazy People.
And stop by LinkSTORM because it's the sane thing to do.
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