#2. Turn Regular Foods and Flavors into Sausagefests
Food is food. There's nothing feminine or masculine about it, technically speaking. Yes, yogurt might have some properties that are particularly beneficial to women, but the yogurt itself is vaginaless. Look it up. It's true.
Yet somewhere along the line, somebody figured out that most yogurt customers are women, so they've decided that the eating of yogurt must be the bloodiest battlefield in the war of the sexes. Yogurt ads aimed at women portray them celebrating their sisterhood by gathering to have a group yogurt eat, with men hilariously confused by the mere concept of flavored yogurt. "This is our food, men. You wouldn't understand it."
There's nothing like the feel of a warm bath while smiling and almost eating things.
So now, if you want men to spend any of their money on a product that at this point is the equivalent of dairy tampons, you need to dress that shit up. Just ask the Mammoth Supply Co.
Unless our food contains the words "chunk" or "warning," we won't eat it.
Apparently, the only way men will have the balls to ingest fermented milk is if they play it up like it's bear guts ("Thick and chunky and built to tame a man's hunger").
Meanwhile, everything has to come in bacon flavor now, because bacon is man food, apparently having become the male version of yogurt ...
And if you don't cook it on an open grill, you might as well start breast-feeding things.
... and if you're thinking, "I know plenty of women who like bacon, this doesn't have to be a masculinity thing!" let us present you with this fast food ad portraying a man marrying some bacon.
"After the wedding, I'm gonna have sex with you until you turn into bacon bits."
It's just the way men are -- right, advertisers? They have incredibly simple and unrefined tastes, like little kids. They only like smoked meats, cheese and beer. So even if you're a cupcake maker, you have to put out a line of bacon-, beer- and cheese-flavored cupcakes:
Oh, and it's served on a football field? Because all men like football, we guess?
Are you in the business of scented candles, like these guys? If you want to tap into the male market, you need manly flavors -- like "bacon," "fresh grass" and, no kidding, "dirt." No word on if "ass" or "burned tires" will be in the next collection.
But the whole bacon thing brings on another point ...
#1. Assume You're Hungry for a Heart Attack
One way you know this isn't the '50s anymore, besides the whole deal with the way society treats women and minorities, is the way we eat. We now know that eating a ton of red meat will get you a quick ticket to Coffintown, but apparently this trend has made all of the world's males fear for their balls. Food marketers are here to help.
In Burger King's "I am Man" commercial, for example, a guy is sitting in a fancy French restaurant with his girlfriend. When the food arrives, leafy green and in tiny portions, he makes a stand and takes off for Burger King, claiming that he's "way too hungry for chick food." That's right, they totally call it chick food. Dozens of starved men join the mob in an orgy of violence and song -- and in search of Burger King. Yes, it's just a joke -- but it's one that only works if "Is my food manly enough?" anxiety is a real thing.
Wait, are they confusing "man" with "douchebag"? That would explain so much.
And manly food means two things: fat and size. It's quantity over quality all the way, since men are apparently like huge farm animals that just eat the biggest pile of edible matter they can find. See this Hungry Man commercial, where men eating yogurt and Jamba Juice, or whatever it is they're consuming in the commercial, are accused of being straight up women. The accusation, by the way, comes in the form of the men taking a trip to the bathroom together, so you know we're dealing with some subtle marketers. You can tell they're subtle because a pound of fried chicken CRUSHES the girl food into smithereens. Get it? The part about a ton of chicken being better than girl foods?
Blended fruit is for pussies.
This of course becomes a problem when the man's doctor gives him the "You need to lose 100 pounds or else you will die" speech. How do you convince a guy to start dieting when giving up huge burgers literally means his genitals will retreat into his body? Well, if you're Nutrisystem, you put football players in the ads and assure him that the diet will let him eat "man food."
That commercial means something so different if you pretend that's his nickname.
Otherwise, any time you're dealing with healthy stuff, men have got to be bamboozled into eating it. Like when Fiber One slaps some chocolate on their wood chip bars and tells him it's candy.
And hey, have you ever wondered why products like Coke Zero exist, when Diet Coke is already a thing? It's because the word "diet" is too feminine, because dieting is something only chicks do. So they invented completely separate lines of low-calorie colas with manly sounding names (like "Pepsi Max") and gave them manly, black cans:
You see a guy drinking one of those, you walk away, because there's about to be some shit.
Now there's a diet cola that will let everyone in the vicinity know that you have one hell of a penis.
That's what that Dr Pepper 10 "It's Not for Women" ad campaign is referring to. It's an inside joke about the fact that dudes won't drink a sugar-free soda unless they spend millions giving it a new name and can just so people won't think you're a girl.
Hell, maybe they're right. They presumably wouldn't do any of this otherwise.
And stop by LinkSTORM to see what the best way is to huck your remote at the TV when ads like these come on.
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