Here's the thing: Modern-day Christmas is pretty weird already. It's a conglomeration of legends involving everything from a supernatural home invader with flying pack animals to a talking snowman.
So when it comes time to make holiday decorations, the line between festive and nightmarish is razor thin. That's how we wound up with ...
#11. Demon Santa
"He knows if you've been bad or good, but neither will save your soul."
"So, how can we give our little Santa figurine that extra little bit of flair?" "How about we stick a light inside his head? Like he's ... glowing with Christmas cheer or some shit? Just do it, I'm sure it'll look fine."
You were probably too distracted by Santa's glowing demonic eyes there to notice what he's sitting on: a tiny little house. And if you don't think a gigantic Santa whose eye sockets are burning with the fiery embers of hell itself squatting on your roof is terrifying, it's only because you haven't seen the video of it in action yet. This thing is a fully animated robot, fueled by a hatred of humanity:
Also, you can own one for just $85. Act now, supplies are limited and controlled by Satan.
#10. Christmas Infant Comprehends the Universe's Horrors
The birth of Munch's The Scream.
Ah, Christmas. The time of year when we celebrate the emergence of the terrified infant from the alien cocoon.
According to the product description, this ornament is supposed to be a baby peeking out from a blanket. It was made in Germany, so maybe over there a baby in a blanket looks like an insect larva filled with the shiny half-formed offspring of a T-1000.
They also want us to think the gaping red mouth is actually a pacifier. Yeah, nice try, Germany.
#9. Beast-Legged Santa
This could have all been so very jolly. From the neck up, this is a nearly flawless execution of the (as we've now learned) extremely difficult task of creating Christmas decor. The lack of hands is a little troubling, but an artistic medium like pipe cleaners or whatever those are doesn't really leave room for luxuries of that sort, so it's fine.
But why, please, we're asking, why does Santa have tapered, footless animal legs? These are apparently reproductions of ornaments that first appeared in the 1940s. Did Santa have the torso of a fucking hairy starfish back then? If so, "The Night Before Christmas" contains some glaring omissions.
We thought we'd find out what happened if we animated him. You're welcome.
#8. Kidnapping Santa
"I'm going to grind you up into elf feed."
Wait, is this even a Christmas decoration? If you just saw it in passing, you'd certainly think it was. There's a kid, a bag, a man in red clothes with a white beard -- all the usual suspects. But a second glance reveals the terrified kid getting stuffed into the sack, and that the guy doing it is just some dude in a robe.
You can find reproductions of this old-timey Christmas image around the Web, and nobody seems to know the origin of it. The site where we saw this particular ornament thought it was German (again!) because part of their Santa mythology supposedly involves him kidnapping children. Of course that's ridiculous -- their Santa leaves the kidnapping to a horrifying Christmas demon.
#7. So Apparently Terrified Infant Ornaments Are a Thing
Little mention is given in the Bible to the time baby Jesus' insides were liquefied and eaten by Shelob.
Ah, the screaming terror of an infant that has been kidnapped by a lunatic and hung from a tree like a shrieking little trophy. This is apparently a traditional type of ornament that we had just missed before now.
This one was sold in a now-closed Etsy sale, but has fortunately been preserved at Regretsy, the archive of Etsy's greatest horrors. The description said it would be "a special keepsake for anyone with a special baby in their lives, or as a reminder of the Holy Infant ..."
So take your pick: that screeching, bound, dangling baby is either your kid or Jesus.
#6. "Snowman" with "Stocking"
"Guess where I'm jamming this candy cane."
For each second you spend looking at this, some new horror will reveal itself. The product description says it's a snowman holding a stocking. Bullshit. Since when do snowmen have facial features, or rosy cheeks? Or legs? No, this is some kind of malformed offspring of an antiques-store orgy. It has the hat and collar of some kind of old-timey clown and the candy buttons of a gingerbread man, and it's not carrying a stocking -- it's carrying a boot that we're 100 percent sure still has a severed foot inside.