Most of what we know about ancient cultures is based on their technology. We know what they ate based on the grains that are mashed into their stoneware and what they did for fun based on the absence of video games in their little mud huts. Similarly, we can tell a great deal about modern douchebags by the apps that they're apparently spending money on. These are apps that could only be used by a very specific type of person. If you're a regular person, your regular-person shield (otherwise known as common human decency) will repel you from apps like ...
In the past, aspiring jerks had to seek out other jerks to teach them all the ins and outs of what it takes to become a crusty-haired blip on the world's douchebag radar. But those days are gone, thanks to the Superstud Blackbook.
Nothing lubricates the ladies like film clips and coffee.
The Superstud Blackbook is basically the Encyclopedia Britannica for douchebags. Are you in a strange city and curious about where ladies with low standards like to get drunk and make bad decisions? The Superstud Blackbook can tell you. You need to purchase bribery material like flowers or jewelry? The Superstud Blackbook will provide a complete list of stores.
"Single" is actually the only option.
Oh, and did we mention that it also provides sleazeballs on the prowl with a list of "ice-breakers"? Easily the douchiest aspect of this app, the Situation of this Shore, if you will, the ice-breakers cover things to say to make a good first impression on the innocent victim of your choosing. Unsurprisingly, "Hey baby, check out this Superstud Blackbook app" is not one of them.
But "WOW (SIGH!)" is.
Every guy is looking for a little feedback on how he's doing in the sack. So what do you do? Read a few books? Ask your almost certainly deprived lovers for advice on how best to please them? No. Don't be stupid. You're not made of study time.
"Tap anywhere to start." We'll let you make the joke on this one.
See, sex can be a mixed bag for the modern douchebag. On the one hand, it's sick to brag to your buddies about how you totally had it, but on the other, having it requires you to pay attention to someone else for five minutes, which can be a real snooze. How can a pathological narcissist remain self-obsessed while having sex with another human being? Naturally, there's an app for that ...
"Start measuring" and "Instructions." OK, so that's two free ones on us.
No, what you do is strap a smartphone to your arm and turn banging into a video game instead. The Passion app, designed by Chris Alvares and Satan, is available from iTunes (finally!). The app uses all the traditional smartphone bells and whistles such as the accelerometer, microphone and dickish sense of superiority to numerically quantify just how very sweetly you bone. It does so by factoring in the duration, orgasm and activity during sex, eventually assigning the user a score of 0 to 10. Users can then upload the sex scores to a leaderboard and compare it to other sex machines the world over. Because why shouldn't you be able to do that?
Yeah, 2.3 is actually the highest score anyone who uses this app has ever managed.
While it's often said that women love jerks, that doesn't mean every woman knows she loves jerks. Before that can happen, the right jerk has to find her. A new smartphone app called Recognizr makes this terrifyingly easy to do.
Recognizr uses a photo of whatever man or woman you'd like to stalk the daylights out of to locate all of their social networking accounts. Twitter, Facebook, Flickr ... maybe even Friendster. (But probably not.)
"Don't worry, Minna, the picture is for a school project. What's that? How do I know your name?"
The facial recognition software creates a 3-D model of the face in the photo and sends it across their server (which you might be surprised to know is currently on parole for sexual assault charges) to be matched up with the identity in the database. A cloud server does the facial recognition and then sends back the name and access to the social networks.
If that sounds complicated, just know this ... anyone with a camera phone can now take your picture and use it to find all the information the guy from Something About Mary needed phone taps for.
This is the creepiest thing in the world.
It's not all gloom and doom for your hopes of not having your privacy invaded by creepy a-holes, though. See, the only way Recognizr will work is if the person being photographed actually has a Recognizr account. So, you know, maybe don't get one.
Aptly named Creepy, this monumentally disturbing app is a devastating secret weapon for any guy who might have added you to his hardly exclusive list of "chicks to bone this week." All of the social networks that you regularly update can be fed into Creepy, which then ... maybe you should sit down for this ... uses your tweets, wall posts and status updates to pinpoint your exact location.
We take back what we said about the last picture.
Oh, and it gets worse. If an exact location cannot be determined, Creepy will conveniently provide a list of probable hang-out spots that the stalking victims of choice mention frequently on their social networking accounts. But don't worry. The sort of person who buys an app called Creepy will totally respect your "It's Complicated" relationship status and back off.
If you just shivered, you are a rational human.