8 Apps Designed Specifically for Modern Douchebags
Most of what we know about ancient cultures is based on their technology. We know what they ate based on the grains that are mashed into their stoneware and what they did for fun based on the absence of video games in their little mud huts. Similarly, we can tell a great deal about modern douchebags by the apps that they're apparently spending money on. These are apps that could only be used by a very specific type of person. If you're a regular person, your regular-person shield (otherwise known as common human decency) will repel you from apps like ...
Superstud Blackbook: The How-To Guide to Being a Douche
In the past, aspiring jerks had to seek out other jerks to teach them all the ins and outs of what it takes to become a crusty-haired blip on the world's douchebag radar. But those days are gone, thanks to the Superstud Blackbook.
Nothing lubricates the ladies like film clips and coffee.
The Superstud Blackbook is basically the Encyclopedia Britannica for douchebags. Are you in a strange city and curious about where ladies with low standards like to get drunk and make bad decisions? The Superstud Blackbook can tell you. You need to purchase bribery material like flowers or jewelry? The Superstud Blackbook will provide a complete list of stores.
"Single" is actually the only option.
Oh, and did we mention that it also provides sleazeballs on the prowl with a list of "ice-breakers"? Easily the douchiest aspect of this app, the Situation of this Shore, if you will, the ice-breakers cover things to say to make a good first impression on the innocent victim of your choosing. Unsurprisingly, "Hey baby, check out this Superstud Blackbook app" is not one of them.
But "WOW (SIGH!)" is.
The Passion App
Every guy is looking for a little feedback on how he's doing in the sack. So what do you do? Read a few books? Ask your almost certainly deprived lovers for advice on how best to please them? No. Don't be stupid. You're not made of study time.
"Tap anywhere to start." We'll let you make the joke on this one.
See, sex can be a mixed bag for the modern douchebag. On the one hand, it's sick to brag to your buddies about how you totally had it, but on the other, having it requires you to pay attention to someone else for five minutes, which can be a real snooze. How can a pathological narcissist remain self-obsessed while having sex with another human being? Naturally, there's an app for that ...
"Start measuring" and "Instructions." OK, so that's two free ones on us.
No, what you do is strap a smartphone to your arm and turn banging into a video game instead. The Passion app, designed by Chris Alvares and Satan, is available from iTunes (finally!). The app uses all the traditional smartphone bells and whistles such as the accelerometer, microphone and dickish sense of superiority to numerically quantify just how very sweetly you bone. It does so by factoring in the duration, orgasm and activity during sex, eventually assigning the user a score of 0 to 10. Users can then upload the sex scores to a leaderboard and compare it to other sex machines the world over. Because why shouldn't you be able to do that?
Yeah, 2.3 is actually the highest score anyone who uses this app has ever managed.
While it's often said that women love jerks, that doesn't mean every woman knows she loves jerks. Before that can happen, the right jerk has to find her. A new smartphone app called Recognizr makes this terrifyingly easy to do.
Recognizr uses a photo of whatever man or woman you'd like to stalk the daylights out of to locate all of their social networking accounts. Twitter, Facebook, Flickr ... maybe even Friendster. (But probably not.)
"Don't worry, Minna, the picture is for a school project. What's that? How do I know your name?"
The facial recognition software creates a 3-D model of the face in the photo and sends it across their server (which you might be surprised to know is currently on parole for sexual assault charges) to be matched up with the identity in the database. A cloud server does the facial recognition and then sends back the name and access to the social networks.
If that sounds complicated, just know this ... anyone with a camera phone can now take your picture and use it to find all the information the guy from Something About Mary needed phone taps for.
This is the creepiest thing in the world.
It's not all gloom and doom for your hopes of not having your privacy invaded by creepy a-holes, though. See, the only way Recognizr will work is if the person being photographed actually has a Recognizr account. So, you know, maybe don't get one.
Aptly named Creepy, this monumentally disturbing app is a devastating secret weapon for any guy who might have added you to his hardly exclusive list of "chicks to bone this week." All of the social networks that you regularly update can be fed into Creepy, which then ... maybe you should sit down for this ... uses your tweets, wall posts and status updates to pinpoint your exact location.
We take back what we said about the last picture.
Oh, and it gets worse. If an exact location cannot be determined, Creepy will conveniently provide a list of probable hang-out spots that the stalking victims of choice mention frequently on their social networking accounts. But don't worry. The sort of person who buys an app called Creepy will totally respect your "It's Complicated" relationship status and back off.
If you just shivered, you are a rational human.
The Breakup Notifier
We are all familiar with the following scenario: Boy meets girl. Girl is with someone else. Boy vows to claim girl. Boy uses technology to monitor her love life, waiting to leap the minute he finds out she's single.
OK, maybe that last part is a new twist on this classic story, but it's absolutely possible thanks to the Breakup Notifier app. This little bundle of privacy invasion is the dream of every lame guy who thrives on converting women looking for a shoulder to cry on into one-night stands. The app will check a person's Facebook relationship status every 10 minutes to see if it has changed. You know, because doing that yourself would just be undignified.
"Dignified" is texting them pictures of your junk with nothing but "wut up?" as the accompanying text.
But the biggest "selling point" of the Breakup Notifier is how it's just so darn easy to use. You pretty much just login with Facebook, select the lady you like (or as is probably more often the case, every woman who has made the mistake of friending you) and let the app do the rest. You can monitor multiple "opportunities" (we know that's what you call them) at once and swing into action when the moment arises.
4) Enjoy your new, completely free restraining order!
The Girlfriend Keeper
The Girlfriend Keeper app is designed to handle the day-to-day romantic communications that are often necessary for a serious relationship to thrive, or at the very least for some serious boning to continue. The beauty of this app is that it allows one to automate text messages and emails to a girlfriend at programmed intervals with an adjustable "relationship intensity" setting.
No. No, this is a Saturday Night Live sketch, right?
Sure, remembering to tell your sweetie all of those little messages that we sometimes fail to pass along to each other is not a bad thing. But that doesn't mean having an app handle it so you don't have to be bothered to remember is necessarily a good thing, either. Even if it was, take a look at some of the sample texts that are posted on the app's site ...
Just give it the basic information, and then ...
"Diana, your birthday is in 136 days, maybe I will get you something green like your eyes. -- Evan"
"Diana, you are so beautiful. Just wanted to let you know I am thinking about you. -- Evan"
"Diana, you have the prettiest green eyes I could ever imagine, I can't believe we have been dating for 1 year and 53 days. -- Evan"
"Did you know we started dating 37 days and 8 hours ago?"
"Awww ... that's so sweet that you text me at exactly 9:10 every day.
Seriously, is this the kind of interaction you want ghostwritten under your name all day long in the background? Nobody really enjoys knowing that their significant other is that attentive to detail. At least pass this app up until you find a machine that knows better than to set the bar this high. The only thing this will keep is your girlfriend thinking she should be nailing a far less womanly dude.
Text messages have this nasty habit of hanging around in your cellphone. This could be disastrous for the tramp on the go with four or five different "significant others" to keep a handle on. But worry no more, you whores, because now there's TigerText.
"Honey, why does iPadJoeT keep sending you blank texts?"
This floozy-friendly app will turn every text message sent from a cellphone into a Mission Impossible-style missive that will self-destruct after a predetermined length of time. It erases the message not only on the sender's phone, but also on the cellphone provider's server and the receiver's phone. In fact, the only way to keep a record of TigerTexts is to physically take a picture of the text message.
We're kind of glad they didn't finish that first text.
Sounds like a pretty sweet setup for the tech-savvy slut, but how does it work? Basically, TigerTexts are sent through the data connection on your cellphone, so they don't leave the same trace evidence that a text message leaves. The founder of TigerText claims that the app is simply for mobile security, but come on, we know what Tiger this thing's named after. Don't we?
Here's a hint!
Every douchebag knows that a woman who isn't capable of partaking in 45 seconds of unbridled passion at the drop of a dime is of no use to anyone. And nothing kills the sex quite like the untimely arrival of a woman's period.
As a man with a minimum of three girlfriends in constant rotation at all times, it's essential that you not be in the wrong place at the wrong time. Namely, you don't want to be caught anywhere with any woman who isn't willing to bone but is more than willing to tell you about her wacky cats for six hours on a Saturday night. Knowing who among your harem is currently menstruating is invaluable information in a situation like this.
With that in mind, we'd like to introduce any practicing manwhores in the audience to the period tracker.
We are so very, very sorry for showing you this.
Great news, there's two of these creepy things! If the above screen shot of the iAmAMan period tracker seems a little bit less than classy, wait until you read what the developers have to say about the Harem Periods Tracker (broken English left in for comedy purposes) ...
Just pretend this is a Photoshop. You'll be happier that way.
"Do not waste your time. You will always know if your girlfriend bleeding today. Are you popular with the girls? Are you familiar with the situation when you invite a girl for a date and at the end of the evening you hear: 'Sorry, but I have "special days"?' Then this application is for you. It will help you to be aware of 'special days' of your girlfriends and you will never make a mistake by inviting 'wrong' girl to the date. Just add all your girlfriends and do not forget to mark sometimes when they had 'critical days.' The application will automatically calculate the period and will let you know when your girlfriends will have the next critical days as well as will recommend you, whom you should visit."
"Hey, just calling to let you know I'll be out of town for about a week. Yeah, again."
It should go without saying that if you're a particularly irresponsible douchebag, this app is even more essential for you. The only words that kill a boner faster than "menstrual cycle" are "I'm pregnant." If you can't be bothered to use caution, at least download this app and check it religiously. The last thing the world needs is another you, douchebag.
Benjamin Buso lives in Texas and is plugging his friends' awesome website.