#3. DC Valentines
"... because I will hunt you, and everyone you love, down."
Movies and TV shows make Valentine's Day card tie-ins all the time, and there's really nothing THAT surprising about it. Sometimes an eight-year-old wants to express his love to another eight-year-old, but he only knows how to communicate in Batmen. We get it.
What we don't get is the mindset behind whoever came up with the copy on DC's Valentine's Day cards. It's like they only read half of their instructions, ("Include characters from the DC universe"), and ignored everything else, ("Make sure it's not totally retarded").
"Mildly" is fine.
These guys aren't a team in the comics, so there is absolutely nothing about this Valentine to indicate there is anything going on here other than a Super-Threesome between Batman, Wonder Woman and an under-aged Robin. They're a sex team, and they love it, and they think you're kind of nice, but only as an afterthought. Look at the size of that puny "You're nice" heart. They resent the fact that they had to include a stupid Valentine's Day message in what was to be their first official threesome announcement for the public.
God is dead, and this is his tombstone.
Giving this card to another child automatically puts you on three different government watch lists. Really irresponsible of DC.
We're a little confused about what kind of message this valentine is meant to get across to whomever we might give it to. What are we saying, that "you're terrific" just like The Joker, a mass-murdering psychopath? Or is the chasing supposed to be a romantic theme? Something like, "I will hunt you down like Batman hunts down criminals in the dead of night. You will never, ever get away from me. No joking ..."
But maybe we're being too critical. The message could obviously just be, "I love serial killers" and we should leave it at that.
It's nice of DC to include at least one valentine to be given to that awkward kid in class that no one talked to. Rather than risk giving him one of those cards that might indicate you liked him, you finally have a card that says "I am aware of your presence, yet Superman remains stoically indifferent towards you."
#2. The Marvel Cook Book (Will Not Teach You How To Cook)
Oh shit Captain, that's was going to be our joke.
The Mighty Marvel Superheroes Cookbook doesn't so much teach kids how to cook as much as it shows them pictures of superheroes with food and leaves it up to the kids to figure out the rest.
Why are those webs brown?
See, right there, when your first step in a How to Make Pancakes recipe is "Make pancakes," that should be a red flag, especially if your second and only other step is "put chocolate on it." We're willing to bet this thing has an ad for the Marvel Workout book somewhere in here too, or at least there should be if every recipe is "make food, add sugar".
We bet Panther lines all his pens up very neatly and would grow a fiddly mustache if his Mother let him.
This cookbook is a fucking coward. It refuses to even suggest a sandwich filling; it's putting all of those decisions in the hands of the reader. We bought this book because we wanted fictional comic book characters to tell us what to eat, and we're not leaving until we get it. You can't just sit back without getting your hands dirty, Cookbook, you have to make a decision on this one.
(Also, making a sandwich and opening a bag of chips isn't technically cooking.)
Stan Lee eats cold beans out of the can and thinks he's the next fucking Gordon Ramsey.
Why learn how to make bread with raisins in it, when you can just buy bread and pound the raisins in there, as though that wasn't how a child would go about making raisin bread anyway. Hell, why did they stop at Quick Raisin Bread and Pudding? Clearly raisins can be pounded or thrown into anything - raisin milk, raisin French fries, raisin raisins- we're just spit-balling here.
Asgardian has no word for "Vegan", but 37 words for "inappropriate crotch bulge".
We stopped reading when the first ingredient for a vegetable soup was 1/2 pound of ground beef. Somewhere between Asgard and Earth, the definition of "vegetarian" got lost. Also "cookbook," "instructions," "recipe," and everything else that wasn't "raisins."