6 Great Products For Making Your Pet Hate You

#3. Tattoos

Not every pet has fur to dye. This presents a challenge to certain pet owners, who know they can't just settle for boring old animal clothing to suit their pet pimping needs. Fortunately, enterprising souls in Russia solved that dilemma in the most ridiculous way possible.

Via Lovebodyart.com
We're going to go ahead and just blame this on Chernobyl.

That is not paint, nor is it a henna tattoo. That is an adult Sphinx cat with a chest tat bigger than its own head. Proportionally, it's bigger than what you're likely to see in most biker bars, and it's far from an isolated incident.

Via Dalemackey.wordpress.com

Farm animals and larger pets -- mainly dogs -- have been given identification tats for ages. But those are usually done with this little plier-like apparatus:

Via Prodgoz.com

... while decorative tattoos use the same two-coil tattoo machines used on 300 lb. bikers.

Via Wikimedia Commons
"Heeere, kitty, kitty ..."

If you've ever gotten a tattoo, you know that when it's in action, that thing is a buzzing, prickling horror that can make a grown man cry long before he realizes how fast he'll grow out of his Grateful Dead phase. Of course, that's not really a fair comparison since the percentage of your cat's body that's having ink permanently stabbed into it is far greater than anything you, or most bikers, would be able to handle.

Via Tucsoncitizen.com
He's caught between running away and biting her jugular.

It's not surprising that a large colored piece can hurt well after the animal wakes up. Giving your pet a tattoo that big is basically like subjecting it to major surgery, complete with the aches and itching of the healing process. Oh, and they also use the same potentially allergy inducing inks your vet doesn't want you putting in their hair, because of how sensitive animal skin can be. But surely it'll be OK when stabbed under its skin.

The tattoo fad goes beyond cats and dogs, though. Look no further than New York for tattooed goldfish of all things, imported straight from Singapore.

Via Underwatertimes.com
Wait, what? ... How do you even? ... What?

The fish have been tattooed with simple designs using that same human tattoo gun, which is the rough size equivalent of a human getting tattooed with a harpoon.

Businesses have noticed the pet tattoo trend and are trying like hell to make it profitable in one way or another. There is, in fact, an actual payday loan company right here in the U.S.A. that offers its loans with an inbuilt stipulation to shave parts of your pet and tattoo it with the company logo of their choice.

#2. Messing With Their Senses

We can take their dignity, but the one thing our pets will always have on us are their keen animal senses. Fortunately, the senses are mostly invisible verbs, so there's no clear way for pet owners to dye them hot pink and pack them full of plastic testicles. Doesn't matter. We've found a way to mess with them.

Via Geeksaresexy.net and integratedpets

Take for instance the dog's superpowered sense of smell. The reason dogs sniff around so much when we take them on walks is that their sense of smell can detect who was doing what in these parts over the course of weeks. Unlike any of our senses, a dog's nose lets it sense across time. Imagine how badass it would be if you could hear stuff echoing around your neighborhood days after it happened.

Now imagine if you could do that, but were forced to carry around a giant boombox all the time because your deaf caretakers didn't like the sounds you made. Now you know how dogs must feel when we make them wear dog perfume. Despite the aggressive stupidity of that concept, there are many, many varieties of dog perfume, including one that people are apparently willing to pay $60 for called "Sexy Beast," to a large variety of $6 dog perfumes that are probably just left over Drakar Noir from the early '90s. There appears to be a thriving industry in making sure our pets smell like a middle school dance while robbing them of the one thing they do better than us.

Via Petsugar.com
$44, and it smells like baby powder. Christ.

Dogs and cats are pretty tactile creatures, so if you want to pretty much render them oblivious to the world around them, you can give them the full Sex and the City treatment: outfit it with pet shoes to go with its perfume. Pet shoes are exactly what it says on the box: tiny little dog ballerina slippers some people make their dogs wear so they don't mess up the floor after those pesky "walks." Just look at this video to see how much the dogs love that shit:

Haha! His only sense of firm ground under his paws is robbed from him, and he's running like an idiot. Next let's blindfold the kids and make them run around in the backyard!

#1. Piercings

Via morfis.wordpress.com

At first glance, piercings on pets seem kind of stupid, but by no means as bad as some of the other stuff out there. After all, everyone's seen those plastic earmark things on cattle, and they don't seem the worse for wear. Then you take a second glance, and the madness unfolds.

Via Holy Taco
Both of these people need to be in protective custody.

See, unlike most other items on this list, this is something there are absolutely no professionals for. The few that have tried to offer pro pet piercing services have (understandably) been browbeaten to oblivion. Pet piercers are a DIY community, and holy shit there seems to be a lot of them. Since they appear to be naturally ashamed, no actual figures on the amount of hobbyists exist, but the world's largest online body modification community BMEzine used to maintain huge gallery of "modified" pets. BMEzine.com, a site dedicated to bragging about drilling holes in your body, was pretty uncomfortable with pet piercing, and have since taken the whole thing down. And it's not hard to see why.

Via Espionsecret.blogspot.com

For instance, take the dog groomer who took up manufacturing "gothic kittens" as a hobby. She did this by giving the animals multiple piercings with a 14-gauge cattle needle and tying their tails with elastic bands to stem the blood flow so the tail would fall off. Then she tried to sell them on eBay.

Via CBS News
Are people this stupid? Really?

She ended up in court and was found all kinds of guilty, and the kittens were taken to a new home.

No such luck for this poor fish whose owner gave him a lower lip stud because quote, "I was bored, and the fish was at the shop. It all started out as a joke, but it looked cool and it never affected him adversely. So I just left it in."

Via Boingboing.net
Apparently, making him the first douche bag in the history of fish wasn't considered an adverse affect.

Not to enter zoological debates with a clear professional, but how the hell does piercing a fish not affect it adversely? Lip piercing is how humans catch fish.

Pauli Poisuo is a member of the Wordplague writers community. Go say hi on their forums or take a peek at his blog.

For more on why we should be worried about animals killing us, check out 7 Terrifying Creatures You'll Never See Coming and 7 Terrifying Prehistoric Creatures (That Are Still Around).

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