There are many ways to play the great game of politics: Kim Jong Il is bluffing without any cards or money, Mubarak was that asshole kid who refused to admit you'd tagged him, and Silvio Berlusconi is playing naked Twister in a dorm full of skanks while drunk on Carlo Rossi. He's 74-years old and the 74th-richest man in the world and he's had more sex than several species of rabbit. When he first got into politics, his empire was on the verge of bankruptcy. Now he has $9 billion. He's basically Scrooge McDuck but wears pants less often. He's spent nine years running Italy like a frat house on double-secret probation. Here, we'll prove it:
5Girls, Girls, Girls
The College Movie Scenario:
Every college movie has to set up its hero first: He's irreverent but impossibly clever and has a charm all his own. The ladies can't help but love him, and Lord knows he loves the ladies. Why, one time all the girls at Cumma Lotta Laude had to panty-raid him ... because they all left their underwear in his room the night before!
"Women are magnetically drawn to my cock. It's actually caused a number of horrible injuries."
Silvio Berlusconi's Career:
Frats always have a plan for getting girls into the house, and Berlusconi does, too. It's just that his house is the House of Parliament. And damn, is he good at it: He's imported more women than the Russian mob. His entire political appointment strategy is: "Breasts. Oh, and if possible, something to carry them around." He once organized a delegation of ministers to the European Parliament consisting of a failed Miss Italy contestant, a contestant from the Italian version of Big Brother whose entire political experience consisted of being photographed on Berlusconi's knee after doing this ...
Pictured: Political Experience
... and two soap opera actresses turned half-nude Internet models. In an attempt to embody irony in sexy human form, he even appointed topless dancer Mara Carfagna as minister for equal opportunities.
Like ... 32D opportunities, yaknowmsayin?
Last year, Berlusconi went to the dentist. He came back with a new regional councilor for Lombardy. Need an explanation? The dental hygienist was an ex-showgirl.
Pictured: Political Experience, Part 2
She, in turn, is now under investigation for procuring prostitutes for him -- meaning he not only exchanges politics for women but then uses those women in a vast and presumably sweaty pyramid scheme to get more women. We couldn't cover even a tenth of the women he's appointed without being blocked by Web filters as a bizarre Italian political-fetish porn site. He's been implicated in more sex scandals than the entire Republican Party, and he very publicly does not give a fuck about how he publicly he gives fucks.