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7 Silver Linings Now That You've Lost Your Job

#3.
Catch Up On Your Video Games

You know who will care that you beat all five Halo games on Legendary? No one. But you'll know. During every job interview, first date and pope-interview you go on for the rest of your life, you'll know how good you are at Halo, and that confidence will ... come to nothing, in all honesty. But still. It'd look good on your Xbox Live profile. That must surely count for ... hmmm. Yeah, maybe steer clear from video games.


It will also decrease the chances of saying "for the win" in face-to-face conversations.

What You Can Do Now:

Do not play video games. You will wake up eight months later with no job, a thousand new insults for people who suck at video games and profound sadness.

#2.
Self Improvement

This sounds like pretty trite advice, but hear us out for a second. Imagine you dedicate the time you were working -- 40 hours a week or so -- to making yourself a better person. By following a regime like this, after a few months of unemployment, you'll transform from your previously grim, sticky body into a glowing ball of pure energy, and become a beacon that guides the rest of humanity to a better future.


Hopefully a future that wipes off its sweaty workbench after a session.

What You Can Do Now:

You're the best judge of your strengths (occupying space, blinking) and weaknesses (adequate performance of job-related duties), so you'll be in the best position to decide which areas of yourself deserve potential improvement. But you may also be an unimaginative simpleton. If that's so, here are some ideas for you to get started:

  • Go to the gym.

  • Teach yourself a new skill, like magic or fortune telling.

  • Get your simpleton friends to pay you $50 to tell their fortune.

  • One wise guy will probably say, "If you're psychic, how come you're unemployed?" At this point, you should wave that $50 in his face. Who's unemployed now?


    Not Madame LaGrange.


  • They'll probably want their money back, but it's a good story to tell at the gym anyways.
#1.
Change Careers

A period of unemployment is a good time to reevaluate what you've been doing and what you'd like to do. Having a career which lines up with your interests is an excellent way to feel more satisfied with life. Not that you weren't feeling satisfied with life before -- after all, having enough money to eat was certainly satisfying, at least on a strictly biological level. But with the right career you can have psychic satisfaction, which has got to be worth ... something? Those hippies never seem to starve to death, so they can't be too far off track.


Maybe they sell their dreadlocks to wigmakers.

What You Can Do Now:

For example, let's say you always wanted to work with animals. You might naively assume that you should then look for a career with animals, when in reality, you should just give it up. Come on man. There's just no money there.


You think that fox will contribute to your 401k? Well he will, but not reliably or generously.

Instead, trick yourself into thinking you always wanted to work with tax forms. Find a mirror, stand in front of it and tell yourself that you want to process tax forms. Do this 800 times an hour, three times a day. That might sound insane, but when you do the math, it turns out to only be about 14 times a minute, which is easily doable.

Once that's done, it's a simple matter of finding out where all your pants went (check in the cushion fort), hitting some job interviews and hey presto* you're back in society!


Welcome to the long, painful rest of your life.

*presto may take four to 18 months, depending on quality and completeness of pants.

Be sure to check out the lighter side of other depressing scenarios, and keep yourself from being a bumbling wreck in public.

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