#2. Long Weekend (Australia)
Australian couple tries to resolve their marital problems by shooting Nature in the face; Nature wins.
Why It's So Weird:
Fear lurks deep in the human heart whenever the words "Australia" and "nature" are mentioned in the same sentence, but no one seems to have told that to Long Weekend's protagonist Peter, who spends the first two-thirds of the film in an inexplicable violent frenzy against the natural world. He runs over native wildlife in his Jeep, starts wildfires, and chops down random trees just for the goddamn hell of it. Telling his wife he is going fishing, he wanders off and then starts shooting his rifle wildly into the ocean.
It's such an inordinate amount of rage; it's like nature slept with his wife, killed his father, disgraced his sensei and stole his dog all at the same time. Meanwhile back at camp, his wife smokes pot, masturbates and runs around naked, because she's shooting for first prize in a "most likely to die in a horror movie" competition. It works, because the movie abruptly switches from "slow but artsy character study of horrible assholes" to "The Birds with affirmative action." Everything gets a whack in at the couple: They're attacked by falling trees, ducks, possums, a large growling wombat (just to prove it's Australia) and even a dugong -- you know, those manatee-like creatures that look like dolphins with Down's syndrome -- which pursues them out of the water on its adorable, floppy little flippers.
Long Weekend is what would happen if An Inconvenient Truth damaged the part of its brain responsible for understanding subtlety while simultaneously augmenting the part of its brain responsible for awesome dugong murder scenes. We can only assume the movie failed to achieve box office success due to confused foreign audiences mistaking it for a boring nature documentary about Australia: Nature's Murder Continent.
#1. Mystics in Bali (Indonesia)
Horrible black magic stuff happens to what are either the most unflappable, or possibly just the most stoned, people on earth.
Why It's So Weird:
People in horror movies don't always react in the ways that best ensure their self-preservation -- from refusing to shoot their zombified loved ones, to saying "let's split up" right before they explore the abandoned mental institution -- but they usually react at some point in the movie, even if it's just to register their displeasure at being disemboweled by all the mentally ill zombies.
In Mystics in Bali, however, every single cast member wanders through the film like they're trying to decide whether to switch car insurance companies while stoned, totally unfazed by that fact that an evil sorceress is gradually taking control of a woman's body. Halfway through the movie, while the protagonist, Catherine, is making out with her boyfriend, she suddenly throws up three live mice covered in green slime. They both react like one of them farted quietly and neither wanted to acknowledge it: The two characters merely exchange looks of slight displeasure, and then quickly start talking about something else.
They fear nothing
The main villain in Mystics is the Leak Master, which is both a testament to the importance of the workshopping process (seriously, if you had run that name by literally anybody before basing the movie around it, he would have laughed at you for 10 minutes before asking if you'd taken a blow to the head recently). The Master's "terrifying" signature is her laugh, and about 15 minutes of the movie is composed of her laughing at her own lines while everyone around looks on awkwardly; it's like being locked in a room with Dave Coulier. The Master eventually tricks Catherine into giving her the use of her head, which you would normally assume means some kind of mind control, but Mystics is nothing if not literal: The head promptly flies off Catherine's shoulders, departs the scene entirely and travels some distance to the house of a young woman giving birth, all so it can head-butt another woman through a wall and do this:
We would show you a picture of what happens next, but two separate shots of disembodied heads sexually assaulting Asian women in one article would probably get Cracked on some kind of watch list. Instead, we'll skip to the part when two villagers run in, and react exactly the way one would expect after stumbling on a disembodied head eating an unborn baby out of a dying woman's vagina.
The final, climactic battle of the movie takes place between the Leak Master and a guy we have never seen or even heard of before, who simply shows up and challenges her one day, presumably for shits and giggles. Halfway through the fight, the sorceress transforms into a giant humanoid pig, complete with huge, floppy boobs, and starts firing Star Wars-style force lightning at our anonymous hero, which the film neglected to tell us she could do, until she's suddenly killed by the rising sun, which the film neglected to tell us could defeat her.
As the remaining characters alternate between staring blankly at their feet and off into space like somebody told a racist joke at a party, Mystics in Bali comes to a close.
Read more from C. Coville at bloodslides.livejournal.com
For more foreign movie magic that left us scratching our heads, check out Lost In Translation: 20 Baffling Foreign Movie Posters. Or learn about some laughably bad monsters, in The 5 Most Half-Assed Monsters in Movie History.
And stop by Linkstorm to point and laugh at more foreigners. They're so wacky!
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