8 Hilariously Failed Attempts to Use CGI in Political Ads

Most people became aware of CG (computer generated) effects with the release of Jurassic Park, though they've been around much longer than that. Politicians discovered CG around 2008 (some are still working on discovering the internet) and boy, are they not making good use of it.

Here's what they're doing instead.

#8. Demon Sheep

In this ad, Carly Fiorina's Republican primary opponent is described as a "wolf in sheep's clothing." Using the power of bargain-basement computer graphics, they're going to take that single phrase to a place sanity has long abandoned. Hang on:

It begins with a peaceful scene of some sheep standing in a green field, and typical bland politician phrases flashing on the screen: "Purity. Piety. Wholesome. Honorable." Just as you are about to fall asleep, out of nowhere, a sheep on a pedestal begins to rise out of the ground.

Before you can finish saying, "What the fuck," they explain that this sheep is Fiorina's opponent, Tom Campbell, and then strike him down with lightning.

His crime is that he is only pretending to be a real Republican, and is a "wolf in sheep's clothing". You can tell because of the glowing red eyes, a dead giveaway of wolves.

Another clue is the shoes. Distinctive wolven shoes.

So it looks like halfway through, even shitty compositing with a pirated version of After Effects got too rich for their blood and they went even more low-budget. Someone managed to put together a sheep costume so terrible that even furries would consider it beneath their dignity.

The kicker is that those clips weren't even shot for this project. The ad maker actually re-used footage from a previous project. Which leads to the frustratingly unanswered question of what the hell kind of project that was supposed to be.

The Democrats followed up with a very polished parody of the ad where Carly Fiorina is "Demon Sheep 2". While it no longer makes a visual effects artist want to burn their eyes out, I feel that fancy elitist qualities like competence, logic, and actual compositing work are no substitute for heart.

In the hearts of Californians, there will always be only one demon sheep.

#7. My Opponent Is a Floating Head

Would you vote for a floating head that flickers like a hologram of Emperor Palpatine? Me too.

Unfortunately the voters of Multnomah County didn't feel the same way, and Piluso lost this one. Her opponent, Diane McKeel, spent $237,000 of her own money on this campaign, most of which I can safely say did not go into this ad.

I don't know what the "Committe" to Elect Diane McKeel Multnomah County Commissioner was thinking when they sponsored this ad, but it was around Halloween, and I guess someone came up with the bright idea to talk about how "scary" Piluso was, and the best way to show that would be to put her head in a strangely aquarium-like Halloween scene.

I guess the hologram look is supposed to tell you she is a ghost, and they couldn't find any body shots of her so they hid her behind a rock (I think it's a rock). Alternatively the head is supposed to be attached to the rock, and she is some kind of horrible rock-human Frankenstein, which I guess is pretty scary for something that can't move.

#6. Barbara Boxer: Evil Blimp

This ad is actually a fairly straightforward metaphor:

Quite simply, Senator Barbara Boxer becomes inflated with "hot air" and threatens Our Way of Life, typical political hyperbole really. It begins during an ordinary session of Congress.

Suddenly, her head begins to swell, with power or something, and power is lighter than air because it begins to lift her off the floor. And then, uh...

...she smashes right through the Capitol dome. Okay. Sure.

As she floats out of Washington, she evolves into her final form, sprouting an armored wall of TV screens.

Now completely matured, the full-grown Boxerblimp terrorizes citizens at every scenic vista in northern California.

Half the shots cut off the whole top half of her head for some inexplicable reason.

Not as she's coming into or leaving the shot, it's cut off like that for the entire 10 second shot or whatever. Most likely the maker of this ad is as good at scene composition as they are at CG. Or subtlety.

Will anything be able to save California from this horrific senatorial blimp beast? Yes! Apparently it's challenger Carly Fiorina talking at you a whole lot. I'm not sure what she said because it's boring. But whatever she said apparently has the power to smite the Boxtrosity from the sky and send it plummeting into the ocean.

And that's why you need to, um... buy Carly perfume, I think.

#5. Attack Of the 50 Ft. Pelosi

This ad takes the term "scare tactic" as literally as possible, conjuring up the image of a scaaaaary movie where House speaker Nancy Pelosi is literally a scaaaary monster who physically destroys American cities:

It sets the tone playfully with a title that conjures up images of old school monster movies, movies stylistically known for their...

...giant cartoonish heads. Seeing how well they captured that vibe, who wouldn't immediately be put in mind of The Blob or Them! or Attack of the 50 Foot Woman? If it doesn't have a tiny body and a giant balloon-like bobble head, who could possibly accept it as a B-movie monster? But enough on that. So Obama and Senate leader Harry Reid pull some switches labeled "Healthcare," "Stimulus," and "Bailouts," and the power overloads their lab creation:

Giant-Headed Yet Strangely Flat Nancy Pelosi. She bursts through the roof, as politicians are wont to do (see the Barbara Boxer Blimp) and goes on a cross-eyed rampage.

Clearly, the inability of her eyes to coordinate working in the same direction is an example of the failure of her "bipartisan" policies. So what can defeat this horrifying California Congresswoman? Why, the votes of Pennsylvanians, of course!

Each laser is a vote. No, really.

Yes, this is an ad for Pennsylvania congressional candidate Tim Burns, who, no matter how many votes he gets, will never be allowed to take a California congressional seat, because he and Nancy Pelosi are running in two completely separate political races.

Damn our broken system.

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