#3. Rocky Balboa and Apollo Creed, Rocky III
The whole mythos of the Rocky franchise is that you have a fighter who isn't as big, or as fast, or as strong as the other guys. But he wins fight after fight with sheer heart and willpower. He simply takes more punishment than other fighters, and wants it more.
That's like, seven face staples.
So Rocky loses the title fight in the first film but wins it in the second. Then in Rocky III, Rocky loses a fight, and his belt, to Mr. T. Who then kills Rocky's manager, Mickey, by screaming at him.
At this point former foe Apollo Creed steps up with a new idea: How about instead of relying on sheer heart and willpower this time, we try training really hard. You know, actually becoming faster and stronger than the other guy.
Exercise works, kids!
At this point we are treated to one of the most spectacular training montages in history, which you can enjoy for yourself here.
At the end of that montage, you get a very weird sequence where Apollo and Rocky are doing sprints on the beach. Rocky runs a little faster than Apollo -- Rocky after all is a fighter in training, whereas Apollo is retired -- a fact that Rocky celebrates a lot.
First he pumps his fist and screams ...
... then he jumps into the ocean, screaming, arms raised ...
... then the two men passionately embrace, like long-lost lovers who had each long presumed the other dead ...
... then they jump around in the water, together, clapping ...
... then they passionately embrace again, howling at the sky ...
... whirling around and around until Rocky raises his fist to the sky in one final, freeze-frame moment of triumph.
And then the credits roll. Oh, wait, no, that's not the end of the movie. In fact, Rocky hasn't even fought yet. This is how they end their freaking morning run. It's nice that Rocky outran his trainer, but holy shit. America didn't celebrate this much on V-E Day.
And congrats to Apollo for tolerating this. Keep in mind that Apollo lost his belt to Rocky in the previous movie. Rocky had already beaten him at the most important thing in his life, taking a huge hit on his boxing legacy and finances in the process. So Apollo offers to help Rocky out. Then Rocky shows that he can run faster on a beach than Apollo and proceeds to celebrate this victory right in Apollo's face for God knows how long. It's a montage, so everything is compressed, but we're guessing Rocky splashed around in the surf screaming about his superiority for, oh, three hours or so.
Followed by a little competitive wagon-lifting.
#2. The Enchantress, Beauty and the Beast
We're talking the Disney version here, but all versions are pretty much the same: A hideous beast and a beautiful girl fall in love, the end result being that the beast wasn't a beast at all, but a handsome prince.
Because life with an ugly person is a fate worse than death.
Also the same in all versions: We learn that the reason the prince was turned into a beast was because an enchantress, disguised as an old woman, came to his castle seeking shelter on a stormy night. When the prince turned the woman away, she revealed her true self and cursed the man for his shallowness. Only true love could turn the prince back to normal, which would appear to be impossible, since he's been transformed into the human equivalent of a hairy buttcrack.
She also changed every single one of the prince's servants into an inanimate object.
"No, it's OK. We weren't living our lives or anything."
Why? We couldn't possibly tell you. It wasn't any of these people who told the old lady to go away. For all she knew, most of them could be indentured servants just trying to get by. This was the 18th century, after all. It was pretty commonplace that people would work as servants for a place to stay and food to eat.
"Try to be less poor next time."
Most of them probably didn't even want to be there and thought the prince was a complete ass. Hell, they were probably glad to see him turned into a horrifying monster. Their punishment for agreeing with the woman is to spend years with clock hands for a mustache, with the possibility of being trapped that way for the rest of their mortal days.
Whoever got turned into the chamber pot is especially grateful.
#1. Haley, The Wizard
The Wizard is about a kid (nicknamed The Wizard) who is awesome at video games. He is being led across the country by Fred Savage, and along the way they meet a girl named Haley, also on her way to California.
And to a lesser degree, there was also this kid.
While you were enamored with all the video games and power gloves, you probably forgot that, yes, these kids were runaways.
Let's go over a few things here. The kid they call The Wizard is apparently traumatized by the death of his sister, to the point where the only word he will say is "California." So his mother has him institutionalized, which Fred Savage is against. To voice his distaste, Fred springs his brother from said institution and takes him to California, without knowing where in California he wants to go or why he wants to go there.
Just adorable enough to make a dangerously irresponsible decision.
They meet Haley, and she tells them about this video game tournament -- which, by the way, has a $50,000 purse -- after she notices how good The Wizard is. When they get to Cali, she informs them that she deserves a cut of that money.
So, if you're a parent looking for your runaway children, it's likely you hire someone to find them, which is of course what the mother does. The guy is the bad guy in the movie, so they portray him as being a little unscrupulous, but you can't lose sight of the fact that his function is ultimately to try to find a couple of kids and bring them back home, before they get raped and murdered by some transient.
Sometimes you have to toss a tourist into a slot machine to get the job done.
And then this happens:
The guy catches up to them and grabs The Wizard. When Haley sees this man (who's only trying do his job) attempting to snatch away her prize pony, she screams that he has molested her.
The cops then rush in and arrest the guy, violently wrestling him out of the room while Haley and the two runaways get away, smirking at their clever plan of accusing a man of a felony, likely putting him on a sex offender registry for the rest of his life and ruining his career.
Yeah, that looks like standard procedure.
But hey, they made it to the video game tournament!
Be sure to pick up our new book and discover how parents under-reacted to the deathtrap that is the trampoline.
Be sure to check out the ultimate in cinema craziness in The Most Batshit Insane Martial Arts Movie Ever. Or learn about some real-life Hollywood insanity in The Insane True Stories Behind 6 Cursed Movies.
And stop by Linkstorm to see Gary Busey getting even crazier.
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