So the story came out this week that a school teacher in Pennsylvania lied about having brain cancer so she could get some time off work. We're not saying we condone that behavior, but we certainly understand it.
Damn it, if you're going to ditch something, you need to think big. Like these people.
#7. Take This Job and Shove It... Into Your Ribcage. Repeatedly.
Ah, work. The crushing monotony. The obnoxious customers. Your incompetent coworkers. But the off-brand Ramen and Trial Memberships to Porn sites aren't going to pay for themselves. You have to do it. Even if everything inside is screaming for you to run, you have to go... right?
So What Do You Do?
Well, you could call in sick, but what if somebody drops by and sees you out in the yard playing on your trampoline? No, it's got to be convincing. You'd better just stab yourself.
A guy from Denver named Aaron Siebers called into work and claimed he was just attacked and repeatedly stabbed by three mysterious assailants who were either skinheads or Hispanics. That seems a little odd, but hey: Maybe they were tan skinheads, or bald Hispanics, or perhaps even the Klan has had to bend to Affirmative Action and diversify. But let's not lose track of the important thing here: He didn't just "claim it"--he actually stabbed himself.
And not with glancing blows, either. His wounds were serious enough to require stitches. And police, for some reason not catching onto the old "call into work stabbed by ethnic contradictions" excuse, believed him and began a manhunt for the suspects. They brought in K-9 units and five other agencies on the case. But then, after reviewing the security footage from the alleged crime scene (Siebers said the attack occurred in the parking lot of a local Target, because apparently Wal-Mart is just a little too low rent for His Freaking Majesty here), they found no evidence of the crime. After confronting him with this discovery in the hospital, the truth soon came out.
Aaron Siebers inflicted deep, potentially lethal stab wounds on himself, committed fraud and instigated a vast, cross-agency manhunt because he didn't want to go to his job... at the local Blockbuster.
#6. Here's a Heart Attack; Keep the Change.
You're eating out at your favorite restaurant, hedonistically devouring everything that passes in front of your table. But come on, you deserve it: It's been a hard week, and you have so very few indulgences. You have even fewer dollars in your wallet. Coming down off the glutton high, stark reality begins to set in. There's no way you can pay this bill.
So What Do You Do?
You can poke remorsefully through your empty wallet, trying to remember which credit card isn't over the limit. Or you can cop to it, apologize and offer to work off the debt in the kitchen.
But shit, you know what's way easier than all of that? Faking a heart attack.
A Wisconsin man did that, not once, but twice, in the same day. He first took a cab to a shopping mall, but when he arrived, somehow got out of paying the fare by clutching his chest and playing the heart attack card. The cab driver, apparently not wanting to get involved with a bunch of "taking a dying man to a hospital" nonsense, just drove away.
The man, apparently amazed that this worked, decided he had stumbled upon a lifelong "get everything for free" coupon. He went to a restaurant in the mall and had a nice steak dinner. When they brought the bill--oh, no! Heart attack!
Concerned for his safety, the staff promptly called an ambulance and had him taken to the hospital. There the doctors soon realized he was faking it and called the police, who charged him with fraud. If convicted, he could serve up to nine months in jail, and be forced to pay a $10,000 dollar fine.
The bill he was trying to get out of paying? It was $23.
#5. Absolutely Nothing is Worse Than Drunk Driving, Right?
Sirens blare in the distance. The telltale red and blue lights flash in your rear view mirror. You fumble for the gum, unfortunately knocking over the tallboy of Steel Reserve you belted into the passenger seat (in order to use the carpool lane). The officer motions for you to roll down your window. This is it.
So What Do You Do?
Face up to the law, learn from your mistakes and promise to never drive drunk again? That'll take like, literally hours of work. Fuck that! Just do like this lady.
In hopes of avoiding the dreaded ticket, she started out by reversing into a cop car at a gas station. Panicking, the woman fled the scene--which proved easier than expected since she'd just disabled the nearest police car. Quick, what's the next logical step?
A) Stop and take a moment to recall if the cop had enough time to spot your license plates;
B) Report your car stolen;
C) Flee the state;
D) Burn everything.
"Welp. This should take care of everything. Wait. What was I taking care of again?"
If you answered D, congratulations! You're mentally imbalanced! But you're also right: She drove her car into a ditch, removed the license plates and lit the whole thing on fire. At this point it becomes a little difficult to figure out exactly what her plan was, mainly because her next step was to remain on the scene, standing next to the burning car she just rammed a cop with, still with a BAC of .155.
"DAMN IT, IT WAS THE PERFECT CRIME."
#4. If Anything, it's Proof You Really Need More Church
Another Sunday, another boring, uncomfortable day at church. You put on your hideous secondhand church clothes, and mentally prepare yourself to spend the next two hours listening to the complicated genealogy of long-dead Arabic men.
So What Do You Do?
Try to sneak in an iPod? Play games on your phone while trying to look deep in solemn concentration about the moral relevance of prehistoric sex-charts? Just suck it up and try to improve yourself spiritually?
That was the plan for an unnamed seven year-old boy in Utah, who was so eager to avoid church services he hopped in his dad's car and took off.
Shortly thereafter police received reports of a vehicle driving recklessly, then reports of a child driving a vehicle, then reports of a child driving recklessly. Two deputies caught up with the boy just north of Salt Lake City, where he led them on a, well... moderate speed chase (topping out at 40mph but hey, he's just a kid; he'll get those numbers up with practice).
The kid, who had to have struggled just to see out of the windshield, managed to not kill even one pedestrian before pulling into a random driveway and running inside the house. Police filed charges against, well, nobody, since he's just a little kid. So if you're reading this and you're seven years old, you can totally steal your parents' car! Seriously, nobody cares.