The 7 Most Retarded Criminal Excuses of All Time
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As cops love to tell us, they've heard 'em all. They even have standard issue cop cliches to tell you they know you're full of shit, such as "Tell that to the judge, pal" and "Anything you say can be used against you in a court of law." And then there are those excuses that leave cops unable to muster even a slightly grizzled retort, where the only proper response is uncontrollable laughter. We're talking about excuses like: #7.
Secret Agent Hobo
The day started like any other day for the Saratoga Police Department: Some transient was drinking in the street and was soundly arrested. Things took a turn, however, when the man claimed to be part of a top secret Australian covert ops unit. We're not sure which secret agency requires you to drink in public and tell the first people you meet all about it, but suspect it's not a very good one. (Also, we would like to humbly submit our resumes for consideration.)
Agent Marshall Cartwright's secret espionage gear included a beer keg, hallucinogenic mushrooms and a wetsuit, perhaps under the assumption that, to catch a drunk, delusional international terrorist, you needed to think like a drunk, delusional international terrorist. He also had a harmonica, because seriously, who doesn't get the blues every once in a while? Better Excuse: "Dude, I'm a bum and I've got a keg of beer. What else do you expect me to be doing?"
What Would Be Required for This to Work: Since Marshall was trying to sell his hobo-beer to passersby, measured out in a jar he happened to have on his person, this would imply that Australia's intelligence community are terribly, terribly underfunded. And crap. #6.
"She Looks Like the Man Who Turned My Cat Gay"
Jose Correia's cat escaped on October the 27th, and you're about to find out why even an animal that cares for nothing but food and licking its own balls would want to run from the crazy bastard. For his search party, Correia recruited the help of local schoolteacher Anabela Cruz but declined the help of another neighbor, Jose Macedo, on the grounds that the latter was homosexual. And therefore useless at finding pussy.
Once he found the cat, to thank everyone for their help, Jose went home, got his Browning 6.35 mm pistol and shot Anabela. If that seems odd, you have to understand that, in fairness to Jose, he thought Anabela, (the schoolteacher), was actually Macedo the (homosexual). Again, in fairness, he also believed that Macedo had buggered his cat thereby converting it to the ways of Sodom, and since he was waving a gun at the time probably managed to make it sound even crazier. When you look at it that way, Macedo's actions don't seem too unreason- What's that? They still do? Even more unreasonable, you say? Huh. Alright then. Better Excuse: "Look, I just hate gays, okay? I thought I could somehow spin this whole 'cat thing' into a reasonable excuse, but it sort of got away from me." It takes a big man to admit when he's wrong; the police would have to respect that kind of honesty.
What Would Be Required for This to Work: Catching the guy in the act. Cat-rape is one of those cases where hearsay and conjecture just isn't enough. You come home and find some guy squatting on top of a squealing Mister Kittens, then by all means, empty your pistol. But if you want to kill someone you need a better reason than "I have no reason to suspect that he didn't rape my cat. Or, for that matter, that you didn't. And- hey, are you arresting me?" #5.
Extreme Bondage
There are a number of ways to hide your extramarital affairs: you can wait till your partner goes on a business trip, claim to be going out with some friends, or organize two dates at the same time in the same restaurant (if you live in a romantic comedy). Or, if you're Rebecca Bargy, you can tie your husband up with a blocked airway and leave him for twenty hours until he dies (this one doesn't work so well in romantic comedies).
According to CBS News she "placed duct tape over James Bargy's mouth and eyes, put a ball gag in his mouth and then tied a bandage around his head", indicating that either CBS isn't particularly good at "event sequences" or Rebecca was strong enough to shove a ball through solid duct tape. She also tied his hands and feet behind his back and slipped into something sexy. Specifically, the sexy car taking her to a sexy motel room containing another sexy man. While her husband suffocated. She claimed that this bondage was entirely consensual, which police have the temerity to doubt.
Better Excuse: "Oh gosh, did I leave the ropes on? Normally it's the oven!" ::rolls eyes:: ::studio audience laughter:: What Would Be Required for This to Work: Her central argument was that James Bargy enjoyed being tied up and left to stew in his own inevitable excrement for nearly a day, all the while thinking about another man banging his wife. If that actually worked, it would set a precedent allowing people to simultaneously murder and cheat on their spouses on the grounds that "they totally wanted it," and, come on, marriage is hard enough. #4.
Speeding Because She Doesn't Understand Metric
A California woman was fined $405 by Canadian police for speeding at almost a hundred miles an hour. Her excuse was that the speed limit signs were in kilometers per hour and she didn't understand metric.
The problem is that a hundred miles an hour is the same speed no matter what you measure it in - just because you cross the border doesn't make "pushing your foot all the way down" affect the engine differently. Did she think her engine was so patriotic it needed extra encouragement to drive on un-American soil? Did she think that time moves slower in Canada? Was she right? (We've never been.) Better Excuse: "But I thought Canadian laws didn't apply to Americans!" What Would Be Required for This to Work: For ignorance of the law to make you immune to it, and even in a country where one of the fundamental rights is "Any crazy bastard who wants can have a gun," we know that's a bad idea. The legal system has already proven that people are prepared to be as stupid as required in the hopes of making a claim - once it makes them immune to prosecution society will go straight to "Mad Max: Retard Edition."
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I love how retarded people are. But not really.
Since I can spot the cat but I am a chick, does that make me fail the hetero test? Or is that a one way street?
This should be on here: A man around DC a couple years ago stalked a doctor home, waited in the woods surrounding the doctors house for 3 hours, then shot him through a window with a hunting rifle while the doctor was eating dinner with his family, killing him. The man's excuse in court: "I didn't mean to kill the doctor, only to hurt him a little bit."
He is an advocate of the arts is Stone. And so misunderstood. If you wanted people to know you'd changed your ways from terrorist to perfomance art then what better way than to storm Stormont with guns and stuggle against security when stopped? I have no doubts that he would have eventually performed a dramatic death and rebirth scene if he was allowed to continue, and ended the show by skipping down the Stormont Mile hand in hand with a bunny rabbit and a leprechaun.
She looks cute....Someone saw her profile with hot & sexy photos on -- http:U k w e a l t h y m e n.c o m --- , a dating site for celebrities and millionaires. It seems the
profile looks sincere and attractive. Is it real!?
Anyone know who Michael Stone is? He's a loyalist terrorist in Northern Ireland, and one bad fucked up piece of s**t of a f*****g bastard, as anyone who saw the news of him lobbing grenades at people attending a funeral will agree.
Anyway he got out of prison a cupla years ago and went straight back to his ways.
He was caught trying to murder The Sinn Fein leaders Gerry Adams and Martin McGuinness, and when asked why the guns and grenades, his excuse was that it was all just some performance art, the guns were just props.
Thats ok Michael on your way son..
On the contrary. I love the smell of pot a man's dick. Well, I just love pot in general, but the gist is that I disagree lol.
You dump him. You deserve anyone beter enough, here is one place for you,****** U k w e a l t h y m e n.com--- ********** , where you can find celebrities and millionaires. Good luck.
100MPH is 160kmh, so yes, while she was speeding greviously, before they enacted the 50-over law here in Ontario, everyone on the 401 was going that speed. Even today you're hard pressed to find anyone that actually does 100.
Also our signs don't have "KM/H" written on them, just "100" more often than not. So while she is stupid and likely should have been able to realize her mistake, it IS possible she didn't.
Now if she was in the city doing 60MPH rather than 60kmh, she would very quickly realize her error when a couple of cop cars dove on her to make their monthly quota.
The secret agent hobo probably WAS an Australian intelligence officer. Our spy service, the SIS, has absolutely nothing to do - apart from tap the phones at college student unions, that is. They're so stupid that they didn't even suspect we were on to them when everyone started yelling HELLO SIS! into the receiver each time the extremely obvious CLUNK noise of the recorder kicking in came over the line. But even the SIS laugh at ASIO, their compadres across the Tasman. They're that retarded.
Want to set up a dating site at no cost and earn much money at home? Then email me jim4partners@yahoo.com or chat with me on yahoo messenger jim4partners.
I still think the best excuse of all time is one from the old Cheech & Chong skit that goes something like this:
Lawyer(Cheech): You see your honor it may seem suspicious that on the night of my client's arrest on his possessionn were 5 lbs of marijuana, 10,000 hits of acid and a bottle of ripple. But your honor there is an explanation, there is an explanation. You see your honor my client merely found these drugs and was on his way to the police station to turn them in before his arrest. hahahahahahahah
....
No, never mind. What would be the use?
f.y.e.
email from jasonvorhees today
for all to see now
"C'mon, if you're gonna be a committed stalker, you gotta do better than this.
I typed a whole 6 comments since I came here, and you still haven't repeated a single one of your 20 stupid-ass responses telling me to die.
When I took you on as my personal internet stalker, I expected you to atleast be on point. Now you're just getting sloppy. For shame.
When are we gonna meet in person so I can finally get an autograph? (tee hee)
Don't get too rich and famous on me. Otherwise some other bored celebrity might dedicate their life to building up my notorious reputation around here.
Damn, I was just getting started with your training and you gave up.
Go out there and make them millions, you ultra famous A-lister."
boring
When I do 80 Km/H on a bike, I am being passed by traffic on the freeway, when I am doing 80 MPH on a bike on the freeway, I am being retarded. WTF ? You cannot tell when your going too fast ? Maybe the officer should have let her try the "Wall" test, if your not sure weather your using Km/H or MPH simply do 100, point your car at a brick wall and drive into it. If your doing Km/H you may walk away, if MPH, your DNA has just been more than likely removed from the gene pool and you have qualified for an honorable mention in the Darwin Awards..
When you cross the border from Niagara Falls NY to Niagara Falls Ontario (Rainbow Bridge), there are big signs right before you get on the highway that show you the typical MPH versus KMPH. Apparently they aren't as retarded as I thought.
(Surprisingly enough? 60 MPH = 100 KMPH.)
"Saying that you shouldn't be arrested because you habitually forget when you are and aren't holding a gun is the worst excuse since Judas claimed he thought the Romans were taking Jesus into protective custody."
We all know Judas was totally in on it. Guy prolly WANTED the grief, and who's Jesus to deny personal fulfillment (unless it's having your pooper filled with weed-dick)?
I think it's pretty common knowledge y'all drive on the left side of the road I think the problem lies in the combination of fact that
A) Most people tend to drive on auto-pilot.
B) The attitude of "if you don't do it the way WE do it, then you're retarded" isn't just limited to Americans.
C)The vast majority of people seem to see their cars as a mobile piece of inviolable sovereign territory and God help the poor bastard who impedes them in any way.
Douche-bags. Every country has 'em.
I love that anonymous photo of you too, alicehuang000!
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While I usually agree that the people in these articles should be forcibly inserted into the Darwin Awards, I can actually understand #4. If a sign says Speed Limit:120 in an open stretch of road, she probably assumed it meant 120 miles per hour. Or then again, she might have not known what a kilometer was, in which case, she deserves whatever she gets.