6 Completely Legal Ways The Cops Can Screw You

#3. Arrest You For Filming Them

If you search for "asshole cop" on YouTube you will instantly get hundreds if not thousands of videos of some police officer tasing or otherwise abusing some kid or grandmother who may or may not deserve it. Police abuse videos surely are the fastest growing segment of online entertainment.

"In the face! IN THE FACE!"

Sadly, that entire genre might be on its way out. Currently, three states had made it illegal to film on-duty police officers, even (and especially) if they are beating up handicapped minorities in the middle of the town square.

"Memorizing is also a sort of recording. Stop remembering this!"

In Illinois, Massachusetts and Maryland, they require both parties to consent to any recording for it to be legal. So, that cop whom you just filmed spouting profanities that reinvent the very idea of racism? Unless he always dreamt of being an Internet sensation, he can easily bust your ass and confiscate your camera.

"Why does he have so many pictures of his balls on here?"

There are 12 states in total that enforce an all-party-consent law, but only three interpret it to include public places of gathering with absolutely no expectation of privacy. So on one hand, that kind of sucks for people trying to record police misconduct, but on the other, hey, apparently security cameras are now illegal in parts of the Northeast! Looting party next week!

Yeeeah I am thinking NOT.

You're Shitting Me!

Earlier this year, a Chicago man by the name of Christopher Drew was arrested for peddling goods without a license - a misdemeanor only slightly more socially-damaging than stealing garbage. But because he videotaped the arrest, Drew is now being charged with illegal recording, a class I felony punishable with up to 15 years of sharing a prison-cell with a 300 pound mountain of perversity named Bubba.

He's not telling you about the fish he caught last year.

The case of Anthony Graber is even more disturbing. On March 5, Graber was pulled over for speeding and immediately had a gun pulled on him by an off-duty policeman. Luckily, his helmet had a built-in camera, so after 10 days, the video of this encounter hit YouTube.

This magically elevated Graber's speeding to an "egregious traffic violation" and had him arrested for breaking wiretapping laws... punishable by up to 16 years in prison. We're pretty sure you get less than that for having a flamethrower strapped to your helmet.

#2. Book You For Carrying Condoms

Spotting a prostitute can prove to be one of the most important skills you will ever learn, especially when it comes to telling real hookers from undercover cops. And thus, we present you with this wonderful bit of information on proper Whore Identification: In Washington, D.C. women carrying more than two condoms on themselves are considered prostitutes and can be arrested as such.

No, no, she's cool. Said she never used a condom in her life. You think I should ask her out?

Or at least that's the case in D.C.'s designated Prostitution Free Zones. You can't be having prostitutes in your Prostitution Free Zones--that would defeat their very purpose--so is it really an overreaction of the D.C. police for arresting all women "congregating without a destination" in PFZs with at least three condoms in their purses? After all, those are the internationally recognized signs of people who takes stranger dick into their bodies for money.

She knits all her own condoms.

Come on, three entire condoms should be enough to last a typical person an entire lifetime of sexual activity. That's why they only sell them individually at ridiculously marked-up prices. Add such suspicious behavior as "hanging out" into the mix and you have all the ingredients for Prostitute Stew.

"Can I get a 'prostitute stew' with a 'handjob salad' please?"

You're Shitting Me!

The new practice has already caught the attention of various women rights groups around the country, and not just because innocent girls are possibly being thrown into holding cells with women that go by names like "Discount Debbie." The main worry here is all that delicious AIDS the real working girls are spreading like well, like working girls who suddenly found condoms to be a huge liability.

"Let this one go, she doesn't have any condoms on her."

Man, who could have predicted that with the new Rubber Standard most prostitutes wouldn't clean up their acts and go get MBAs or something, but rather start doing it without protection?

#1. Steal Your Identity

For the last couple of years, Identity Theft has been the exalted Grand Poobah of the American Paranoia Club, and for good reasons. The thought that someone out there might go into a long, prosperous career in bestiality porn, using our name and credit to fund it, constantly keeps us up at night.

And we have to surf the bestiality sites to make sure our good name isn't sullied.

But you know what would be even scarier? If it was the police who took your identity and then created an entire new chapter in your life, one where they made you, like, a stripper from Ohio. Which is something the law actually permits them to do.

"Did I overdo it with the syphilis and incest rape? Probably not."

This used to be illegal no more than eight years ago, but it all changed when Ohio passed a new law aimed at combating, ironically, identity theft. The 2002 law allows law enforcement agencies to take anyone's personal information (driver's license number, Social Security Number, etc.) and give it to an agent to use while undercover.

That in itself wouldn't be so bad if the cops were using your identity to pose as somebody cool, like a mafia hitman or a T-Rex.

Or, in Bruce Wayne's case, the Batman.

Sadly, the reality is most often less professional assassins and more street walkers or nude dancers.

You're Shitting Me!

As far as we know, Haley Dawson has never taken her clothes off professionally. But for one month in 2003, a woman with the same name, address and SSN danced naked in front of a bunch of drunkards and Internet perverts at a strip-joint in Troy, Ohio. That woman was actually Michelle Szuhay, a criminal-justice student participating in an undercover police operation, using Dawson's identity as her cover.

Yeah, Dawson: D-A-W-S-

Naturally, the real Ms. Dawson wasn't informed that her good name was being tarnished and fantasized about by sweaty middle-aged guys for over 30 days. But it was all worth it, after local liquor-agents could charge the owner of the club with two misdemeanor charges of furnishing alcohol without a permit. The ends justify the means, people!

Cezary Jan Strusiewicz is a freelance online journalist and Japanese-English-Polish translator. Contact him via c.j.strusiewicz@gmail.com

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