5 Insane Supervillain Schemes by Real Governments 5 Things Nobody Tells You About Breeding Endangered Animals 4 Lame Jokes You Start Telling as Soon as You Become a Dad

6 Things Men Do To Get Laid That Science Says Turn Women Off

You may not realize this, but Cracked.com is all about getting you laid. Sometimes this is pretty obvious -- like when we give explicit dating advice or explain the mystical forces that secretly govern our libidos -- but even when we're talking about the horrible ways sex can go wrong, we're still hoping you can use the information we're sharing as an icebreaker to convince an attractive colleague to come back to your humble apartment and get freaky with kitchen utensils (we're not judging). And in this Cracked Classic, we continue that noble tradition by reminding our male readers that some of their trusty "moves" are secretly sabotaging their bone-tential.

So absorb this knowledge and go forth, trusty readers. Use our gifts of knowledge to bone. Bone in ways that leave you numb, dizzy, and reasonably sure you've insulted your ancestors. And then when it's all over and you're laying there in a damp bed all sticky with sweat and shame, spare but a fleeting thought for us.

As we mentioned in this article, attracting a woman can be so easy you don't even realize you're doing it. Of course, most of the methods are totally outside of your control and can only be done on accident.

Unfortunately, it turns out there are just as many things you're doing to repel women, again without even knowing it. Don't blame us; it's science.

Common turn-offs include:

#6.
Talking to Her

So you're in a club and--thanks to those eight shots of Jager, each of which you swear is making you exponentially sexier than you were before you downed them--you finally decide to approach the hot chick you've been leering creepily at all night. You've got your game face on and an arsenal of pick-up lines that would slay a Victoria's Secret catwalk.

With a perfect storm of raw sex appeal like this brewing all around you, it comes as no surprise to you that the object of your carnal desires is flirting back.

But then, just as you're preparing to land your plane at Bonesville International Airport, she starts backing off. Somehow, the more you talk to her, the less smooth you become. When she awkwardly ends the conversation five minutes later you're literally babbling like a moron. A moron with a now totally useless boner.

What the Hell Happened?!

If you feel like you sound stupid when you talk to women, don't worry, you do. In a recent study, men chatted with attractive women and then were subjected to basic tests. They failed miserably. And when we say "basic tests" we don't mean fourth grade math, either. We're talking not being able to remember your own address (unless you were asked to take a woman there, right, killer?)


"Sorry, it appears I have punctured my copy of the test with my boner."

Unsurprisingly, the more attractive you find a woman, the worse this effect is and the stupider you will sound when talking to her. The scientists didn't go so far as to say what everyone was thinking (that the effect is caused by blood flowing away from your brain and directly to your junk), but women suffered no such memory lapses at all when tested after chatting with handsome studs like you.

However, one of the scientists did say the difference could be down to the fact that women are interested in things other than looks while men are "reproductively focused," which is a much more tactful, scientific way of saying, "Dudes get easily distracted by the thought of boning."

#5.
Acting Interested

OK, maybe you were putting yourself out there too much. After all, in this day and age, for better or for worse, women sometimes like to make the first move right?

So, instead of going up to a lady and moronically chatting away, you instead decide to just lean coolly on the bar and smile at the ladies. That way, in their own time, one of them can come over to you and the flirting can commence. Except that none of the ladies you are so very obviously acting interested in ever approach you. What could you be doing wrong now?


It's definitely not the hat.

What the Hell Happened?!

We really enjoy mocking the "Pick-up Artist" community, where guys like this...


...hold seminars on how to reel in women by acting like you don't like them. And dressing like a douchebag.

But research shows there is a least a little bit of a factual basis behind their bullshit. In his book The Game, journalist Neil Strauss entered the world of the pick-up artist and learned one important thing: Women like men who ignore them. According to his experience, your best bet at getting a girl is walking up to her group and completely ignoring her, while chatting away to her less attractive friends.


Even if those friends are men.

We would write that off under our normal rule of "don't believe anything that is also believed by a man in a furry tophat" (and it's saved our lives more than once), but another study came up with hard numbers.

The dating site OKCupid.com actually went through their database of pictures men had submitted, and tracked how many contacts each yielded. They studied 7,000 photos and determined that men who didn't look directly at the camera in their profile pictures received more messages on average than men who did. About 50 percent more, in fact, if said picture combined the looking away with an expression of disinterest (smiling drove down the effect some, but still not as much as eye contact).


See? No eye contact.

No word on how many of those messages were from cam show robots, but still. Now, obviously you can't take this to its logical extreme ("I'll get tons of women if I just never get within 10 miles of one! That's the ultimate expression of disinterest!") because clearly the men in the study were also expressing the fact that they were looking for a mate (or else they wouldn't be on OKCupid). So it's not about total disinterest. The data suggests it's about somehow showing that you're interested, but not in her.

#4.
Dancing

So you've tried it the pick-up artist way, but quickly found that sitting in the corner acting like you don't like women failed to score you any tail. (And you peacocked it out with that feather boa and everything!) But you have a trick up your sleeve: Your sextastic dance moves. After all, dudes have been getting girls this way for thousands of years!


Come on, Rightie... just a few inches lower.

When you finally get drunk enough to hit the dance floor, in your mind, you're Fred Astaire-ing the shit out of the place. Unfortunately, what you're actually doing is some bizarre alt-new wave version of the robot that has every girl in the room pointing and staring open-mouthed. And not in a good way. But it's OK, because deep in your heart you know one day a girl, hopefully one who looks kind of like Zooey Deschanel, will realize your dancing just means you're a quirky free spirit and she'll have quirky, free spirited sex with you.

Fifty years later, you die alone.

What the Hell Happened?!

Dancing is a high-risk venture. Yes, there's a reason why dance clubs are usually just an orgy waiting to happen. But if you dance badly, you'd have been better off staying far away.

Scientists say if you suck at dancing, it signals to women that you're a bad mating partner. It's a subconscious sign that your testosterone levels are lower than average, which means you're not up to a lady's baby-making standards. And your awkward moves on the dance floor may have evolved as a neon flashing sign to warn women to steer clear of you and your inferior DNA.


Not evolutionarily fit.

This effect only increases as you get older. The awkward "dad dancing" you've seen at every wedding you've ever been to and during that season that Taylor Hicks won American Idol? Those guys were probably John Travolta clones in the 70s and moonwalking in the 80s. But now that they're past their prime sexually, they can't even do the electric slide without it turning into a raucous display of awkwardness and sprained ankles.

Seriously, it's not a risk worth taking. Before you bust out the moves this weekend, get yourself to a fertility clinic. If your sperm count is below 60 million/ml then skip the dancing and just chill at the bar.


Or go where everybody is too drugged up to care.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

2,415 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!