8 Romantic Songs You Didn't Know Were About Rape

#4. "Maggie May" - Rod Stewart

Offending Lyrics:

All you did was wreck my bed
and in the morning kick me in the head

You lured me away from home
just to save you from being alone
You stole my heart
I couldn't leave you if I tried.
I suppose I could collect my books and get back to school.

What It's Saying:

This song's been a staple of soft rock stations for years and seems like a pretty standard kind of a mind-gelatinizing love song, until you start wondering why Rod's singing about going back to school and maybe going home to his parents one day.

Who knows why Rod Stewart does anything?

The line about being lured away from home clinches the deal. Maggie is a lonely, lecherous old sex offender who apparently steals little boys with terrible haircuts, fucks them mercilessly and destroys their beds in the process.

#3. "My Sharona" - The Knack

Offending Lyrics:

Never gonna stop, give it up
Such a dirty mind, always get it up
For the touch of the younger kind

What It's Saying:

While a quick listen makes it seem like this is a song by idiots that's barely anything beyond gibberish, it's in fact an ode to pedophilia and general debauchery. Who knew?

If you're appalled, try using "Ray Liotta" in place of the chorus for renewed enjoyment

The singer wants us to know over the course of the song that he really wants to bang this Sharona girl and, apparently, that's whether she likes it or not because he has no plans on stopping. And he always gets it up for younger girls. Normally when you advertise this kind of stuff, Chris Hansen asks to sit down and talk to you.

#2. "Young Girl" - Gary Puckett

Offending Lyrics:

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run, girl,
You're much too young, girl

What It's Saying:

This song is almost too obvious a choice--clearly it's about a guy who has a thing for a girl who's too young. Underage young? The song came out in 1968, so we're guessing somewhere around 14. Hey, at least he's bothered to give her good advice. That shit's creepy. "Better run, girl."

Who cares? It was in Glee!

In a testament to self control, Puckett immediately goes from trying to dissuade a girl who should be off playing with Barbies or Susan Sontag dolls or whatever girls in the 60s were into, to threatening her with unspoken consequences if she doesn't leave. If you don't run away now, I am going to have to do all manner of acts that haven't been permissible since the Middle Ages, and it'll be your fault.

#1. "Possession" - Sarah McLachlan

Offending Lyrics:

And I would be the one
To hold you down
Kiss you so hard
I'll take your breath away
And after I'd wipe away the tears
Just close your eyes dear

What It's Saying:

This almost seems innocuous at first, maybe describing a little rough play going on up in Canada for Sarah but nothing crazier than when grandpa and grandpa break into the schnapps on their anniversary, right? Except that this song was inspired by McLachlan's brush with a stalker who sent numerous, crazy-as-a-shithouse-rat letters to her. The stalker actually sued McLachlan after the song was released for plagiarism, alleging she'd used the content of his letters in the song, but the case never made it to trial because he killed himself, potentially because he realized he was obsessed with Sarah McLachlan for some fucking reason.

When not making videos, Sarah stars in Cirque du Soleil as "The Pendulum Mummy"

In any event, it's safe to assume that when he wrote about holding her down and kissing her so hard it takes her breath away, he meant it in the horrifying literal sense and probably intended on stuffing her with old socks and keeping her on the sofa for the next few years as well.

You can find more from Ian Fortey over at FunnyCrave.com, or right here on Cracked, where the chef is recommending his look at 12 "Sexy" Ads That Will Give You Nightmares, and his last guest column wherein he explained Why Homemade Porn is a Worse Idea Than You Think.

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