The 4 Strangest Things Nobody Tells You About Life in China 5 Slapstick Failures by Modern Military Commanders 5 Things I Learned as an Anonymous TSA Blogger

The 7 Most WTF Post-Fame Celebrity Careers

#3.
Bill Berry a.k.a. the Drummer for R.E.M.

Berry, a founding member of the band, drummed with R.E.M. for 17 years. He famously penned "Man on the Moon" and "Everybody Hurts," better known as the most depressing break-up song in the history of recorded music.

After the Spotlight:

Farmer.

In 1995, Berry suffered a brain aneurysm mid-concert. Although he recovered, the drummer left R.E.M., claiming, "I feel like I'm ready for a life change. I'm still young enough that I can do something else."

And what inspired Berry to give up rock superstardom? Farming hay, natch.

Yup, Berry gave up lounging around in a bed made of money for back-breaking labor at the crack of dawn. Of course, this is no weirder than Faith No More guitarist Jim Martin's post-rock career. After 10 years of shredding it onstage with Mike Patton, Martin retired to farm pumpkin, and not just any pumpkins: giant, record-breaking pumpkins.

Martin's farming career doesn't mean he's given up heavy metal hedonism. In 2004, he opined, "Surprisingly, though, in the bizarre, dark underbelly of competitive pumpkin growing, there are groupies." So what do you call these groupies? Gourd girls?


"We actually prefer 'squash sluts.'"

#2.
Terry Chimes a.k.a. the Drummer from The Clash

If you're a fan of today's punk bands, you should thank The Clash. If you love "Paper Planes" by M.I.A., you should thank The Clash (she sampled their song "Straight To Hell"). In fact, just thank The Clash that you're alive because fuck you, they're the fucking Clash.

Chimes was The Clash's original drummer and toured with the band throughout the 1980s. As if being a founding member of The Clash wasn't awesome enough, Chimes toured with Black Sabbath. Sure, Ozzy Osbourne had been kicked out of Sabbath in 1979, but who on this planet can say they've played with both the most influential punk and heavy metal bands of all time?

After the Spotlight:

So what do you do after pounding the skins for both The Clash and Sabbath?


Fuck, yeah.

You become a chiropractor.


Fuck- WUH?

In 1985, Chimes's arms were aching after bowling with Black Sabbath (it's like normal bowling, but with Quaaludes). Sabbath's personal chiropractor fixed Chimes up, which impressed the drummer so much that he decided to become one himself. In 1994, Chimes hung up the spurs and opened his own firm, Chimes Chiropractic.

Chimes's story illustrates the problems with rock and roll godhood. Once you fully ascend the Mount Olympus of eight balls and strippers and tinnitus, you look down at us mere mortals and miss being boring.

#1.
Jason Hervey a.k.a. Wayne from The Wonder Years

No 1980s sitcom portrayed the big brother-little brother dynamic as vividly as The Wonder Years, and Jason Hervey played loser older brother Wayne opposite Fred Savage's plucky Kevin. Although Hervey appeared in Back to the Future and Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, he will be remembered until death as the older brother all of America loved to hate.

After the Spotlight:

A corporate PR shill.

Like the other child actors from The Wonder Years, Hervey pursued a different career later in life. But whereas Paul Pfeiffer grew up to be an attorney and Winnie Cooper became the hottest math teacher outside of a shoddily written adult movie script, Wayne Arnold's fictional failures seemingly translated into real life.


Above: Not a failure.

In 2003, the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission accused Richard Scrushy, the CEO of healthcare service giant HealthSouth, of falsifying earnings to the tune of $1.4 billion, an accounting error you can't blame on a stray coffee stain. Unfortunately for Scrushy--who had blown company dinero on such insane projects as a HealthSouth-sponsored girl pop trio--he had left his public image in the hands of HealthSouth's head of PR... Wayne Arnold.

With the SEC leveling 86 counts of fraud at Scrushy, it's unsurprising that Hervey sucked at his job. What is very, very surprising is that the CEO apparently hired Hervey just so he could say he hung out with the guy who once played Wayne Arnold from The Wonder Years.

HealthSouth eventually fired Hervey, who in turn sued the company for $400,000. We assume Hervey's case was settled after an intense meeting involving wedgies, charley horses and swirlies.

Be sure to check out Fitzgerald's friend Thad over at CallMeThad.

Do you have something funny to say about a random topic? You could be on the front page of Cracked.com tomorrow. Go here and find out how to create a Topic Page.

To learn about what some celebrities were like before they were famous, check out 7 Celebrity Careers That Launched by Accident and The 10 Most Unlikely Celeb Porn Stars.

And stop by our Top Picks (Updated 1.22.2010) to see what Screech has been up to lately (hint: cleaning up our bathrooms).

And don't forget to follow us on Facebook and Twitter to get dick jokes sent straight to your news feed.

  • Random

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here

307 Comments

The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!