9 Toys That Prepare Children for a Life of Menial Labor

#4. Child Taxi Toy Pedal Car

Yes, with the Child Taxi Toy Pedal Car children of all races and backgrounds can loudly and clearly receive the message that they are destined for a life among the batshit crazy, gibberish-spewing, stank-omitting fringe group known as cab drivers.

Why indulge your child with fantasies of owning a fancy sports car? Remind him that he'll never be in that income bracket, and that fortunately there are relatively few prerequisites to getting yourself behind the wheel of a rickety old taxi cab: Do you lack basic human decency and a respect for laws of the road? Great, you're the ideal candidate. Smell like cigarettes and fermented upholstery sweat? When can you start? Do women usually ask you not to take them to an abandoned lot and murder them? You'll do nicely.

Thanks to you, little Johnny can learn his place ferrying people more important than himself about town even before he learns to tie his shoes or how to spell peon.

Accessories That Should Be Sold Separately:

Soiled shirt

Car radio playing only Turkish music

Driver's ID badge w/ terrifying picture

#3. Mailbox & Mail Set

Good toys offer a world of possibilities and encourage the user to engage their sense of imagination. This is a fucking mailbox. It offers three slots in which to place fake pieces of mail over and over and over and over and over.

After they've done that, they can open one of the two doors in the mailbox, both of which lead to the same place, and discover that all of their time and sweat spent sorting was all a big fat waste since all of the mail just dropped into the same big bucket anyway.

Other than being useful as a handy tool to diagnose an OCD mail sorting disorder in your child, every other kid on Earth should soon be bored and frustrated enough to begin feeling that urge to kill everyone around them--just like a real postal worker!

Accessories That Should Be Sold Separately:


Band-Aids (for paper cuts)

Bulletproof vest

#2. Light & Sound Gas Station

Right off the bat this gas station attendant toy creates a fantasy world wherein children play the part of a person who is all but useless, whose very existence in the modern world can be attributed to nothing more than a different person being lazy as fuck.

After all, the odds are the kid has never seen a full-service gas station outside of TV shows set in the 60s, and if they have any self-esteem at all they should be perplexed as to why they are dressing up in a ridiculous one-piece jumpsuit and performing duties a monkey is sufficiently gifted to handle.

Aside from working the pump, the fact that they have to swipe the customer's credit card and check their tire pressure for them should lead quickly to the child asking, "Why the hell can't this driver just get off their lazy ass and do these things themself?" At this point the child's mother can dutifully inform them that it's because "the driver went to college and you didn't."

Accessories That Should Be Sold Separately:

Kitty litter for spill clean-up

Assorted greasy rags

List of creative ways to make small talk about the weather

#1. i-Tattoo Electronic Tattoo Pen

This toy tattoo gun vibrates and draws tattoos on his customers with hopefully temporary ink. Hope he knows how to draw barbed wire!

With this toy you can hedge your bets completely, by teaching your child skills he'll be able to use both in and out of prison.

Accessories That Should Be Sold Separately:

Set of a dozen unsettling piercings

Head-shaving kit

My first meth lab

Don't get too excited about your other childhood dream jobs either; check out 5 Jobs You Wanted as a Kid (And Why They Suck). Or find out about some more toys that will demoralize (or devour) your child, in The 13 Most Unintentionally Disturbing Children's Toys.

And visit Cracked.com's Top Picks to save you from the shittiness of your current job.

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