5 Jobs You Wanted as a Kid (And Why They Suck)

Every Saturday we have some of our favorite writers from around the web fill in for us. They get the opportunity to be insulted in the comment section and we get to push the neighborhood kids into leaf piles. Today's post comes from Zach Oberman, the man behind Underpants on the Outside which is about superheroes, not fashion.

For some reason, we expect our children to be able to answer the question: "What do you want to be when you grow up?" Some responses are downright idiotic (I wanna be a dinosaur) but for the most part, kids tend to choose the last person they saw in a uniform.

Unfortunately, no one is explaining to our children that there are reasons most people don't stick with the careers that sound so awesome in kindergarten.

Why Kids Think It's Cool:

From a kid's perspective, being a fireman is awesome. You spend all your downtime hanging out in a clubhouse with your friends and a Dalmatian. To go to the first floor everyone slides down a pole. And if that's how they go downstairs, imagine what else firemen get to do! They probably take baths on a water slide! When you factor in the occasional siren, a fire station is only a ball pit away from being a Chuck E. Cheese.

Also, you get to play with the most powerful squirt gun on the planet, which never needs to be refilled. Once the fire's out, all that's left is for you to take pictures with your shirt off, like the ones on Mommy's calendar that make her breathe funny. (Because no childhood fantasy would be complete without some uncomfortable Oedipal implications.)

Why the Job Actually Sucks:

To adults, the idea of wrapping yourself in asbestos and running into a fire with an axe is freakin' INSANE. But there's no point in explaining that to a child. Kids think danger is awesome - it's what makes childhood pastimes like "Hot Potato: M-80 Edition" so popular.

One thing kids absolutely hate though is being bored. Sixty or seventy years ago, when houses were built out of dry leaves and matchsticks, fireman had plenty to do. But now everything's made of flame-retardant materials. These days, being a fireman means a whole lot of sitting around waiting for something to happen. When there is a fire alarm, it's usually some stoner burning toast.

And while firemen may be surrounded by the coolest toys around, what good are they? Sure, you can drive a big red truck, but if you drive it fast, people yell at you. If you use it to play Bumper Cars, people yell at you. And if you use the gigantic water gun to spray your friends, people yell at you (that goes quadruple if some of your friends happen to be African-American). Basically, you sit around, bored, surrounded by toys you can't play with or else you'll get yelled at. Being a fireman is like being in Time Out for a living.

Oh yeah - you also can't play with fireworks ever again. In fact, if you see people playing with fireworks, you have to put them out. Happy Fourth of July, kids!

Why Kids Think It's Cool:

According to our six-year-old niece: "You get to wear pretty dresses and you get to ride ponies and everyone calls you "Your Highness" and you get to eat cake all the time and you get to live in a castle where no one ever tells you to make your bed and you get to marry a handsome prince and did we mention the ponies?" (This is where we became too engrossed in pouring a scotch and soda to continue listening.)

The pony is also a princess.

Why the Job Actually Sucks:

As we explained to our niece, she's correct about almost everything, right up until that part about the handsome prince. It's much more likely that she'll have to marry her cousin - the one you guys see at the lake every summer who picks his nose. If she doesn't like it, too bad, them's the rules, and no amount of preventative cootie measures are going to make the process any easier. In fact, cooties might be the least of her worries, because cooties won't be the reason her children end up like Charles II of Spain, who was so retarded he couldn't chew his own food. That sort of thing comes from "homozygosity." (You'll probably want to spell that for her.)

But hey - you take the bad with the good, right? PONIES!!!

Why Kids Think It's Cool:

If you have to ask, there is something wrong with you. Let us put it this way: OHMYGODYOUGETTOCARRYAGUN. Kids think that guns are the coolest thing ever. When you have a gun it means that you don't have to clean your room until you're goddamn good and ready, and anyone will trade you their Hostess cupcake for your carrots.

As for the job itself, that seems pretty cool too, when you keep in mind that a five-year-old doesn't have such a solid grasp of the American judicial system. As far as they can tell, cops arrest people who piss them off, which is appealing, because kids tend to have a lot of grudges. Maybe a couple years of solitary confinement will make Sally Johnson rethink not inviting you to her birthday party.

Why the Job Actually Sucks:

It's the first rule of the playground: No one likes a tattletale. While an adult might be able to understand a policeman's function as a pillar of society, kids need to know that to be a cop is to be the world's hall monitor. Which means no one will want to hang out with you, Captain Buzzkill. When you come around, everyone will stop playing their games (such as, "Hide and Seek in the back seat of my car in exchange for fifty dollars") and then put away their coolest toys, like that six-foot pipe that Daddy smokes for his asthma.

"Stop having fun, right now!"

Worst of all, everyone will call you "Narc," which is the way adults say "Teacher's Pet."