Four Movie Presidents Who Would Never Get Reelected

Every Saturday we let some of our favorite writers fill in for us. The Last Gaffe is a comedy website founded by Cracked writer Malcolm Christiansen and staffed almost entirely with other Cracked writers. We'd sue him for stealing all of our writers if we didn't enjoy the site so damn much. Today, Jeff Kelly offers a guide to inspirational movie presidents, and why they'd never get reelected.

Last November, the US made a giant social leap forward with the landslide election of Barack Obama. People wanted a change, and so far... well, change takes time. But that's neither here nor there.

The fact remains that we still live in uncertain times, and more and more of us are being forced to sell ourselves on the street in order to simply pay our bills. In these trying times, we look to our leaders to guide us through to better days. At the end of the day, at least we can all take solace in the fact that we won't have to rely on these fictional presidents, none of whom would ever get re-elected...

#4. Morgan Freeman as President Tom Beck (Deep Impact)

How He Fucked Up

In a moment of crisis, we turn to our leaders to guide us. To offer us encouragement and wisdom. To tell us everything is going to be okay. And the one thing we hope they'll never, ever say to us is, "Shit, I guess you're all fucked! Now excuse me while I take only the elite and hide in a cave somewhere."

Why He'd Never Get Re-Elected

When Frodo Baggins discovered a massive meteor hurtling toward Earth and threatening to kill us all, President Tom Beck did what any leader would do: he kept it a secret for as long as he could, built a secret underground cave system to house the best and the brightest and told the majority of the population that to go fuck themselves.

In a literal display of burying his head in the sand (or in this case underneath a mountain) and hoping for the best, Beck proposed an idea of hiding away some of the best athletes, minds, and professionals in various fields in his elaborate cave system and letting the rest of the world perish. So while Michael Jordan, Bill Gates, and Rue McClanahan were probably okay, the rest of us were pretty well screwed. That anyone might survive what turned out to be a grossly overestimated doomsday was apparently beyond his comprehension.

"Gentleman, I propose a bold strategy."

When the meteor crashed and killed far less people than he had anticipated, it's a safe bet that Beck had a tough time trying to get the masses he'd abandoned to gruesome deaths to forget that he deemed them completely unworthy of continuing to live.

What He Should Have Done Instead

Hindsight is 20/20, but the fact remains that Beck didn't even really suggest any survival strategies or even seem to be thinking about anything other than saving his own and, presumably, the asses of his many financial backers.

If nothing else, with the knowledge that the meteor was going to hit off of the east coast and the majority of the damage would be done to the eastern seaboard, he could have reminded the people that Manifest Destiny needn't be a passing fad, like acid wash jeans or Tila Tequila. Instead, he could have recommended that maybe it'd be a good idea to flee to the west. Hell, it's not like anyone is using Montana or Wyoming anyway.

Wyoming State Motto: "We're so lonely."

Seeing the aftermath of the meteor crashing into the earth, we now know that if only he'd suggested that long awaited trip to check out Mount Rushmore (on which he'll probably never see his face added) a whole pantsload of American voters could have been saved. And if he'd suggested it in that soothing Morgan Freeman voice of his, we're betting he could have salvaged a few votes in the process.

#3. Billy Bob Thornton as The U.S. President (Love Actually)

How He Fucked Up

For years, the US and England were like bickering siblings, and like many brothers who grew up hating each other and beating each other up, they gradually grew to be great friends. And then, a U.S. president like the one portrayed by Billy Bob comes along and fucks everything up because he decides he wants his older brother's new woman. And then you know shit is on!

Why He'd Never Get Re-Elected

"Suck my dick, England."

From his disconcerting "low talking," to the creepy way he leers at women and the overall lack of tact, it's a wonder he was ever elected in the first place. We're a bit baffled that someone could have actually won on a platform of "Show me them titties!"

In a single trip to London he managed to:

- Bully the British government to the point where they were forced to actually grow a pair,

- Acted like such a dick that he very well may have single-handedly shattered one of the countries' oldest alliances, and

- Raised serious doubt as to whether the two nations could possibly remain BFF.

To make matters worse, within seconds of Prime Minister Hugh Grant leaving the room he began forcing himself on a defenseless Monica Lewinski-lookalike, showing even less restraint than Bill Clinton at Hooters.

"What's this supposed to be, some sort of heartwarming seasonal comedy about life and love? Fuck that, get those titties out!"

What He Should Have Done Instead

With the world climate seeing a whole shitload of people turning on the United States and deeming it a nation full of assholes, he may have been better served to acquiesce to a few of the Prime Minister's requests, which we assume consisted of getting Harry Potter a star on the Walk of Fame, maybe a deal on toothpaste and almost certainly "don't touch my woman."

After all, it doesn't make a ton of sense to tell your oldest and best friend that you don't really give a shit what he thinks and then try to steal his woman, which is precisely what President Billy Bob did. It might also help if he didn't look like Billy Bob Thornton.

"Ha ha, yeah, that's great. Seriously though, fish out them titties."

At the very least, he could have attempted to keep his dick at bay when he encountered the Prime Minister's love interest for the sake of the U.S./U.K. alliance. Hadn't anyone ever taught him the time-honored foreign policy of "bros before hoes?"

Recommended For Your Pleasure

To turn on reply notifications, click here


The Cracked Podcast

Choosing to "Like" Cracked has no side effects, so what's the worst that could happen?

The Weekly Hit List

Sit back... Relax... We'll do all the work.
Get a weekly update on the best at Cracked. Subscribe now!